It never occured to me to question the presence of cardinals on Arizona, though I would imagine cardinals do reside in the desert. Two of the reasons I can't stand the NBA are the Los Angeles Lakers and the Utah Jazz. Yeah, right!

Finally, a way to link Paris Hilton and Marty Schottenheimer is only 3 steps. Thank you, oh heralds of Pro Football Reference.

Texans and Titnas horrible names.
Raiders have best name.

good names- Jets, Chargers, Ciefs, Jagusr, Browns, Bengals,

crappy names- Colts, Patriots, Bills, Broncos, Dolphins, Steelers, ravens

three teams in Afc named after horses, two teams named after big jungle cats in same divison, amnd Bills is just crappy name all over. what was that team thinking about? Maybe if they ever move to Tornto for good they can change name.
good posibilties-
Tornto Buffs
Tornoto Tornadoes
Tornto Beasts
Toronto Cyclones
Tornoto Wolves

or maybe can change to Toronto Argonauts if CFL team moves out. Does anybody watch CFL football and if you do is the SArgonatus still in league?

Raiderjoe, you can't be serious about the Browns being a good name. No offense to fans or the founder of the original Browns (it was his name--can't really blame him), but how about the Pinks? Chartreuses? Mauves? No, a color won't do.

I agree that, objectively, my Colts have a fairly pathetic name, but even I think the Patriots is a studly, solid name to be envied. Yes, anyone in the 13 colonies might have claimed that name, but you think the Amercian Revolution, and you think of Boston first (tea party, Johnny Tremain) and maybe Philly second. Virginia, the wealthiest colony, a distant third. The Patriot is a macho, brave, yet noble symbol and very American. While the Raider and Buc and Viking all fit the macho bill, it's hard to call them noble or American.

Cardinals are present in Arizona, but they are not nearly as widespread as in Missouri (are practically all the Eastern US for that matter). They can be found in the Phoenix area, though, which i guess is enough. TMQ has been calling them to Cactus Wrens for a while, to match Arizona's state bird.

It's pretty hard to find an intimidating state bird mascot.

Re 5: What, George Washington, Patrick Henry, George Mason, Thomas Jefferson, and James Madison aren't revolutionary enough for you?

7 - they were all johnny-come-latelys. You want real revolution? think thomas paine.

8 - Paine was British, so he doesn't count :P

Re 5:

I believe a Brown is a type of dog, so it isn't quite that bad.

Every time I'm in Arizona, which is frequently, I see cardinals every day. I also get to Missouri and Illinois a lot, and don't see Cardinals nearly as often, although, when in Illinois, I'm mostly in downtown Chicago, and when I'm in Arizona, I'm often on a golf course. Ain't no shortage of Cardinals in Arizona, however.

#1 - in a reasonable world, the Jazz and Hornets would trade names.

Re: 5

I recently learned that raiders and buccaneers were a serious thorn in the side of the American slave trade in the 1700s. They also were far, far more fair & decent to their crews than the vast majority of other ships. So while they may have been savage, they were not without their own kind of nobility, and one could argue they represent a truly American spirit.

Also, Giants are best team name, along with Raiders. Yarrrr!!

#4 Tornto Beasts

i read that as Toronto Breasts, i think its an improvement

Re: 6

I dunno, what if the bird had TEETH and a MENACING SNEER??

I think I'd be a fan of a team called the Beasts, actually. I'm all in favour of more and more crazy nicknames, like, oh, say, the San Francisco Flaming Spears of Death.

I quite like overly poetic ones too, like the African Soccer team called Eleven Men in Flight, and I think the world would be much better if NFL teams had to have descriptive names, like the Washington Credit Card Binge Atrocities, or the Detroit Train Wrecks.

Mosquitoes

Ants

Naked Mole Rats

Flaming Turds

Just think, Joe, if the Oakland team had kept its original name, today you would be known as "SeñorJoe"

I can just hear John Facenda now:

The Autumn Wind is a latino
Blustering in from the south
With a salsa song he sweeps along
Swaggering and running his mouth
His face is weather beaten
He wears a guayabera
With his enormous hat about his head...

Re 3: Great googly moogly.

Re 15: Then it would be just like all the other variations. Well, I mean the two I see regularly (Louisville and Ball State). Still, better the plural bird than the singular color.

Re 4, 14: Yes, the Argos are still around, and yes, I like the alternate suggestions as well.

Re 16: no no no no no. It is hard enough to find games/websites that allow enough space for team nicknames as it is. (Never mind how they handle abbreviations for team names: force a third letter? Allow two letters?) :D

2.
If you have sex with someone then you are also linked with Paris Hilton in only 3 steps.

I was always partial to names that already exist in the popular lexicon. For example, the Denver Omelettes, New Jersey Turnpikes, San Francisco Treat, Cleveland Steamers, Buffalo Wings, and the New York State of Mind. Illinois Nazis....not so much. I hate Illinois Nazis

At one point, before the Texans came into the league and realignment was being discussed, I read an article in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette suggesting the divisions be themed by nickname. It's surprising how well it works out, though there are a couple flaws (e.g. one bird had to be a miscellaneous animal). I don't recall exactly, but it was something like:

Birds Division - Eagles, Falcons, Ravens, Seahawks

Cats Division - Bengals, Jaguars, Lions, Panthers

Horses Division - Broncos, Chargers, Colts, Cowboys

Other Animals Division - Bears, Cardinals, Dolphins, Rams

People Division - 49ers, Packers, Patriots, Saints

Piracy Division - Buccaneers, Raiders, Steelers, Vikings

Westerns Division - Bills, Chiefs, Redskins, Texans

Leftovers Division - Browns, Giants, Jets, Titans

Does anybody have a problem with the Washington football teams name?

Virginia could have a team after the revolutionaries as well. I'd also like to point out that the Virginians and New Englanders fought like dogs. The book 1776 highlights a lot of the tensions.

I always like the name, " Las Vegas outlaws and New York Hitmen".

Dallas Cowboys might be the best in the NFL right now.

Re: 21

Awesome. It's a rare thread where raiderjoe's post doesn't get my biggest laughs.

I've got to say, I think "Houston Apollos" would have been an awesome name.

That's approximately a bazillion times better than Texans.

#18 Brilliant.

The Miami Moons? The mind boggles.

Before the current franchise, Boston football had the Bulldogs and [gasp] the Yanks.

Not to mention Braves and Redskins, in reference to the patriots who dumped the tea. Which means that, in fact, the Redskins are named for white people, not Indians.

22: You do realize it's "Steelers," as in steelworkers, and not "Stealers," as in criminals who aren't literate.

Dedicated to the fine men of the steel industry...keep reaching for that rainbow.

And if TransWorld Corp were to buy the Dolphins, we could indeed see a re-naming of the franchise to the Moons over Miami.

#26 - The Redskins were named by owner George Preston Marshall, who was hoping to tap into some of the Boston Braves popularity but was sort of snubbed by the baseball team. At the same time Marshall (despite being a confirmed racist) professed to be an admirer of Native Americans and desired a "war-like" and intimidating nickname. Whatever you think about its current connotations, the name was chosen originally out of respect for Native Americans (really, who would name their team after something or someone they disliked or sought to disparage?)

Yeah, I know the difference between steelers and stealers. It just took some contortions to get eight groups of four. The point is that it didn't take a lot of contortion to do so.

22. Move the Bills into the piracy division (a stretch, but w/e) and put the cowboys into the western division. The Steelers go into the Leftovers division (unless steel workers are actually called steelers?)

29. (really, who would name their team after something or someone they disliked or sought to disparage?)

Everyone in my fantasy league, that's who!

I've always liked the irregular names, like Bills, Browns, Jets...I can't stand the recent trends in names, like Titans, Jaguars, Panthers, etc. I find them unimaginative, although Houston Texans is not bad. At least NFL teams haven't started using adjectives as names, or non-plural names like in the NHL (Avalanche, Wild, etc.).

Neat little bit about the Jets colors reflecting those of Hess stations.

#32 - touche.

Sorry for so many posts...but I really hate Ravens as a nickname. I understand the rationale behind it, but I find it weak and silly.

Link in name to a far cooler proposed name from 1995.

I would love to design the helmet and logos for the "Cleveland Steamers".

"Ravens" is one of my favorite names in the league, actually. Hey, it's literary, I appreciate that. Too bad we couldn't expand that out to other authors. The Minnesota Gatsbys, in honor of F. Scott Fitzgerald! The Alabama Drunken Faulkners! The Key West Fishermen!

#14 - Breasts are legal in Canada so that works. Wardrobe malfunctions are allowed.

#35, I don't care for "Bombers"...at all, but that is a sweet-looking helmet.

I dig the Ravens if only because it might encourage somebody to read. I would only support "Bombers" if the logo was Bin Laden. Tennessee Tuxedos is kind of ridiculous, but given the penchant of some SEC fans to wear suits and cocktail dresses to games, it's not all that far-fetched.

#39 - Bombers would totally work to describe the high-flying ... um ... offense ... that ... uh ... Brian Billick ... installed...

The San Diego Chargers were owner by a guy that owned a credit card company, hence the name.

What about the NY Big Apples instead of the Jets ? They can keep their colors :o)

And I like the Ravens, it's one of the few nicknames which doesn't refer to something of glory as you don't usually like the ravens. They're birds of fateful news.

37. The NY/NJ Whitmans?

I'm amazed it took until #32 for that to show up. ;)

Err, make that #36. Meed nore coffee...

RE Raiderjoe: Really? Did Jacksonville move to the north, or Cincy to the south? Or did Detroit or Carolina swap conference? Please tell me Detroit's in the AFC South... I'd rather see them twice on the schedule than Houston or Tennessee. (I'd rather boot Jax, but if we have to have two cats in the same AFC division, I can't.)

RE 5/10: I believe a Brown is also a type of elf or imp or something. I first saw it in a video game seveal years ago (SNES?). Then I saw the one logo of the Browns that had one (link in name)
RE 21: Nice.
As far as San Francisco, my friend thought it would be amusing for a certain Green Bay franchise to move there, yet keep its mascot. I suppose you could also have the Indy Racers/Cars, Chicago Politicians/Daileys/Dead People Voting, StL Arches (just not golden, no need for a lawsuit), NO Looters (too soon?), Washington Fat Cats, Detroit Gang Wars, Seattle Garage Bands, Atlanta Traffic Jam (just to have one token singular), New England Snobs, Tennessee Hatfields/McCoys, Philly Cheesesteaks, Minnesota Manholes (would be in same division as Cleveland), and Arizona Retirees. OK, I should get back to work and stop coming up with bad ideas.

RE 27: I've always liked to spell it Stealers myself, knowing it's not the proper spelling, but I'm not so much a fan of the team - for one, they're the most obnoxious fans in sports bars, but at least not in forums - here's looking at you Dallas and New England! (outside FO, of course)

RE 28: We work hard, and we play hard. (queue: "Everybody dance now!")

C'mon, everyone knows the Cleveland Browns were named after a character in Family Guy!

Damn, what a fine thread. Simpsons refs, historical refs, 3 Musketeer commercial refs, Blues brothers refs... San Francisco treat made me piss my pants, but I suggest the NFL avoid linking the words Flaming and San Francisco together, unless of course Jeremy Sensitive PC Guy Shockey is the TE.

How about Miami Vice. Think of the cheerleader costume options! Coach has to dress like a pimp (if Reebock agrees to make a wide-brimmed golf hat).

#13 I recently wrote a book about pirates for my kids and after a lot of research, yes, they were reputed to be a much more fair and democratic society than any nation's navy at the time. Still though, not saying much. Many were basically their era's version of today's homeless--randomly living outside the system in a subsistence fashion. High mortality rate. Bad teeth. Rampant venereal and othre diseases. Johnny Depp. Now Privateers (a poor NFL name IMHO) were instrumental in helping the revolutionary war effort. The Brits called John Paul Jones a pirate while we call him the father of our navy.

Oh, and WA state's Richland Bombers (HS) are very proud that their city made the two big bombs that helped end WWII. Still, with the mushroom cloud on their helmet and a fair-sized japanese population in the state, it strikes me as a pretty awful nuclear holocaust related name.

Anybody else ever notice that you can skip the first anti-spam word with no negative repercussions? Just wondering. Saves valuable seconds.

i like the idea of a new rivalry between the toronto breasts and the tennessee titnas.

Bobman, your notion of proper attire for a renamed Miami football team makes me wish very hard for a certain fellow to return to coaching. Think of the title in the club's media guide; "Big Tuna, Gentleman of Leisure".

Hell, he already has his hair dyed correctly for the role!

Am I the only one who thinks of rice-a-roni when I hear "San Francisco Treat"? Or was that the reference there all along?

50.
I did.

Now ya' got me thinkin', Bobman. If a certain head coach had a little make-up done to add 20 years or so, stuffed some cotton balls in his cheeks, and donned an old-school tux, it would be perfect for his club, after the nickname chanted in the stands became D-O-N-S, DONS, DONS, DONS! When a reporter asked the coach at a press conferencee what his qb needed to do, after the qb gave a tearful explanation regarding his career plans, the coach could reply angrily, "HE CAN ACT LIKE A MAN!!!"

The assistant coaches would need to be very careful when stopping at toll booths, however, and any owner of another club who was also involved in horse racing, who franchised a player our nattily attired head coach wanted to sign, would likely end up shopping for new sheets for the master bedroom.....

This all reminds me, when the Montreal Expos were relocated to Washington DC, I proposed somewhere two names: DC Comics and DC Marvels, just to see how people dressed at games.

You might also like this article about The World's Most Ridiculous Sports Team Names.
(link in my name)

I'd go with Arizona Snowbirds over Retirees

Philadelphia Cream Cheese
New England Clam Chowder
....wow must be lunchtime

The best football team name of all time is the AAFC Los Angeles Dons. They merged with the Rams in 1950 -- I guess the Rams made them an offer they couldn't refuse.

When the Texans were formed, I wanted them to pick the name Stallions amongst the final choices. Not sure what I think about the Apollos.

#12 - It might be even better for Utah to be the Bees or the Yellowjackets, since Utah is "The Beehive State".

Just to throw it in there, I can recall some informal NFL polls where players liked the Raiders, old falcons, Cowboys and Steelers uniforms the best.

Re: 9. Well, they were all British before 1776.

A certain vision in my head, of a couple of employees of the McKaskey family going down to Cook County's government center, to pay their organization's delinquent property taxes, after the football team gets a more cinematic nickname, is also very appealing.

#56 Nick Saban is obviously Carlo and Cam Cameron is Fredo, but who's Michael?

The Jacksonville 5 and 11?

5 - I love colors for team names. Cincinnati Reds. New Zealand All Blacks (rugby team). St Louis Blues. Nothing wrong with the Browns.

12 - How about a three way trade between the Lakers, Jazz, and Hornets? SLC Lakers, LA Hornets, NO Jazz.

18 - I think he'd be señorjose

47 - Brownies are imp-like creatures

Names I'd like to see: Seattle Slackers, Chicago Gangsters, Boston Beans, Kansas City Barbecue, and Phoenix (But it's a dry) Heat.

Harris, that's definitely Belichik as late-period Michael. If Cameron ever gets invited to go fishing by Belichik, and one of his assistants shows up instead, explaining that Bill/Michael had something come up at last minute, ol' Cam oughta' stay out of the boat, or at least sit in the back!

Hmmm, maybe the Miami club could relocate 90 miles south.....I can see a white-haired old man on the verge of retirement, with a heart condition, cutting a birthday cake, saying to guy in the same business, who he has known a long time, "I'm going to take a nap. When I wake up, I'll either have a partner in a trade for a back-up qb, or I won't". Much excitement will follow....

#68, I now know where to send my resume.

#66, Miami went 1-15 last year. They're dreaming of the day when they find a Michael.

#62 - the name they should have used was the Utah Stars, after the ABA franchise of the same name which was relatively popular, though guess not enough to merit an invite into the NBA. I think it did play a role in bringing the Jazz to Utah, and they should have taken the name then. As it is, they eventually used it for their WNBA team, the Starrz IIRC.

I also remember the Jazz owner offering the name to the New Orleans owner... for a price. Which was apparently too steep...

Damn, what a fun waste of time. As one of the resident Seattlites, the whole Slacker thing (alliteration aside) might be innacurate. Seattle Lattes (or if you need the alliteration, "Seattle Starbucks, soon to be sold to Oklahoma!"--there are three SBUX in my office building alone), Seattle Windows--we control 90% of the league, Seattle 747s (too close to the Sonics? not a problem anymore!), but the M's and Seahawks are actually pretty well named.

My problem with the Browns is the same as Steve Buscemi's in Reservoir Dogs.

So Will Allen, who gets to be Johnny Fontaine and get slapped by the coach? Can we volunteer players on a rotating basis? I can vaguely hear that conversaion... COACH: "You playing good? Good. Hitting hard? Good. You stay in your lane on kick returns, right? Because a man who does not maintain his lane cannot really be a man...."

Seattle Greys (in honor of their weather)

#71 Hell, they're dreaming of finding a Fredo right now! They'll take Sonny, bullet holes and all.

Man, what a football team that organization could field--Luca Brazi as the entire DL, Sonny as MLB, Michael as QB, Tommy Hagen as a wily WR, and the Don as coach. Fat Clemenza is sort of a Tony Suragusa tough guy/clown. Anybody ever read the interview with Puzo that he based the Don on his mother? Quite funny. Damn, this is bordering on Simmons-esque, which makes me sick. Time to stop.

Bobman, I'll have to think about the rotating Johnny Fontaine part; it's too good of a role to waste on just anybody!

However, I'm starting too envision recasting your boy in Seattle; I can see Rich Rodriguez as Solazzo, pitching the spread offense to Holmgren/Brando, with perhaps Ray Rhodes as Luca Brasi, who then gets ambushed in the film room by Jim Mora Jr. as Tattaglia, after Don Holmgren turns Rich Solazzo down. I can hear Holmgren muttering now...."Tattaglia's a pimp...".....

Nah, Will. Michael has to be somebody inside the organization (The Family?). Belichick is more like Barzini, except, unlike Barzini, he won. I can only assume the Fins are still reeling under Sonny's incompetent leadership and Michael has yet to assert himself. We're somewhere between the wacking of Luca Brazzi and the attack on the Godfather. Shula should stay away from fruit stands.

Of course, the least desirable role is to play Carlo, opposite Steve Smith's Sonny.......talk about method acting!!

Hmmmm.......Harris, I CAN see Parcells reading one line ESPECIALLY well....."Leave the gun, take the cannoli"....

I like the idea of naming teams after their first big-name or successful coach, as the Browns did.

We could have the Tampa Bay Mackays (to go along with Rays), Miami Shulas, New York Ewbanks, Minnesota Grants, Oakland Davises, KC Strams and so on.

If the nameing scheme was from the owners, it wouldn't work so well...you'd have the Tampa Bay Glazers, Washington Sniders, Seattle Allens, Pittsburgh Rooneys, New York Maras, Detroit Fords, St. Louis Fronteires, Miami Huziengas, Arizona Bidwells.. and again the Oakland Davises... and the Minnesota Wilfs, which just sounds dirty.

The Philadelphia Greasies? It seems to fit the city's love of cheesesteaks and mob's former prevalence, but I'll only accept it if we can also recognize Giants fans and make the team the New York Guidos.

Shouldn't the rule (perhaps law?) be that a team nickname stays with the city rather than the franchise, like they did in Cleveland? We'd still have the Baltimore Colts, St. Louis Cardinals, and Houston Oilers, with the Rams returning the L.A. one of these years.

Re: 82. No, the Rams would belong to Cleveland. The Cleveland Rams started in 1936 and moved to Los Angeles in 1946 (the same year the Cleveland Browns started in the AAFC).

The NFC is later, but if I recall correctly, the Cardinals are in fact named after the color, not the bird.

re48
Sorry, forgot Jagusr and Bengals are in different divisions. Had a little too much to drink last night.

82,83 - And the Cardinals are originally from Chicago, not St Louis.

And like the Standford Cardinal, also named after the color.

I like the Houston Wildcatters. It would create a great mix of costumes. I can see the guys all showing up in oil gear, smeared with crude petroleum, while their girlfriends were making like Cat Woman.

Cardinals first called Racine Cardinals (change name to Chuicago Cardinals during season )and named after color of Universitoy of Chicago uniforms beacsase they borrowed used jerseys from Universitty of Chicago. figures that horrible Cardinals franschese played with smelly used jerseys from college kids

The Buffalo Bills are still famous...

depending on who you talk to, of course. Any other barbershoppers out there to back me up?

87 Now that lucid historical snapshot is just eerie, RJ.

Part 2

wait... one of the suggested names for the Atlanta team was the Crackers? Really?

#91 There was a Negro League team called the Atlanta Black Crackers, and evidently a white team called the Atlanta Crackers. Apparently the word had a racial, though not necessarily negative, connotation even then.

Cracker explained, link in name.

#82, I agree. It would be great if the NFL would force franchises to get a new team name if the team changes cities so the old city can restart the team later if they want.

If you can set the place name after the nickname such as the former Mighty Ducks of Anaheim or Moon over Miami, I nominate Feeling Minnesota. They can keep the purple.

The East Coast Hockey League had the Macon Whopee a few years back. Perhaps the Falcons could relocate?