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12 Oct 2012

NFL Lowdown: Week 6

Tag! You have Elite Cooties. I also have a college basketball article up at Sports on Earth, if you are in to that sort of thing.

Posted by: Mike Tanier on 12 Oct 2012

24 comments, Last at 14 Oct 2012, 3:11am by BigCheese

Comments

1
by Ryan D. :: Fri, 10/12/2012 - 8:50am

The Seahawks piece nearly got me fired because I was laughing so loudly in the office. Thanks, Mike.

EDIT - the cows eating iPhones line got me too. My boss wants you to be less funny, or for me to not read your column at work. You should probably start being less funny.

5
by BlueStarDude :: Fri, 10/12/2012 - 10:44am

LLOL'd at the Seahawks bit as well. Fortunately I'm on an early lunch break.

2
by Eddo :: Fri, 10/12/2012 - 9:48am

I literally laughed out loud at this line: "The guys dined upon many delicacies, including Wagyu beef, which costs $35 per ounce (the cows are fed a strict diet of iPhones)."

3
by Anonymous-45 (not verified) :: Fri, 10/12/2012 - 10:19am

I think you are missing a decimal point in the number of humans who ever lived.

6
by Thunderbolt of ... :: Fri, 10/12/2012 - 11:28am

No, 106 billion is about right (unless that was a change from an earlier number).

15
by Mike Tanier :: Fri, 10/12/2012 - 2:27pm

I have the number at 106 billion EVER from some scientific sources that point out, well, there is a lot of fudge in the estimate.

15
by Mike Tanier :: Fri, 10/12/2012 - 2:27pm

I have the number at 106 billion EVER from some scientific sources that point out, well, there is a lot of fudge in the estimate.

7
by Thunderbolt of ... :: Fri, 10/12/2012 - 11:29am

Sorry, double post, because the captcha won't display for me, which is confusing.

4
by RickD :: Fri, 10/12/2012 - 10:35am

Good job with the Seahawks' score.

8
by DEW (not verified) :: Fri, 10/12/2012 - 11:30am

I can see Jeff Ireland drafting a Wagyu cow. This might let him slide if he asks if its mother was a heifer during the interview.

(I can also see Packers and Bears fans wishing that their GM would draft a Wagyu cow, as it might take more time for defenders to get around than their current left tackles.)

11
by JoeyHarringtonsPiano :: Fri, 10/12/2012 - 12:48pm

Right now, Lions fans would take a Wagyu cow as a running back. It might be slow to hit the hole, but at least it would plow forward for a short gain rather than dancing at the line for a few steps before being tackled for a 3 yard loss.

-I'm not Billy Bad-Ass.

12
by dryheat :: Fri, 10/12/2012 - 12:55pm

If he would ask if its mother was a heifer, he's probably too dumb to be a GM. Of course, plenty of Dolphins fans seem to know that answer independently.

13
by DEW (not verified) :: Fri, 10/12/2012 - 1:46pm

As a Dolphins fan, oh yes, I am quite aware of that.

9
by MJK :: Fri, 10/12/2012 - 11:32am

The Cards-Bills section was the funniest, I thought.

10
by James-London :: Fri, 10/12/2012 - 12:45pm

Pats/Seahawks was awesome, but loved the section on the Jets as well

Phil Simms is a Cretin.

14
by Little Bobby Tables (not verified) :: Fri, 10/12/2012 - 2:19pm

Great writeup, especially this part:

"...wildcat backup Colin Kaepernick, an oddly assembled athletic specimen who runs like he was edited into the game tape during post-production by Ridley Scott."

This is possibly the most accurate description of Colin Kaepernick ever, outside of "wow, that dude runs like a gazelle."

17
by dryheat :: Fri, 10/12/2012 - 2:52pm

Unless he runs on four appendages, it's probably a more accurate description.

18
by The Ninjalectual :: Fri, 10/12/2012 - 9:52pm

He runs like a gazelle would if it ran on its hind legs

20
by jebmak :: Sat, 10/13/2012 - 1:40am

That put an amusing image in my head.

21
by dryheat :: Sat, 10/13/2012 - 10:20am

Cheetah Wheelies?

23
by andrew :: Sat, 10/13/2012 - 10:23am

Oh. I thought they said he "runs like a Gisele".

19
by Passing Through (not verified) :: Sat, 10/13/2012 - 12:48am

When I try to read the article on my phone, there's a floating black transparent field (ad?) that I can't close. Anyone else have that problem?

My phone is a samsung galaxy s3.

22
by andrew :: Sat, 10/13/2012 - 10:21am

22½ to 5π...

so that works out to about 22.5 and 15.70796325..., right?

24
by BigCheese :: Sun, 10/14/2012 - 3:11am

I know I should be grateful that we get teh two links a week, but it would be great if we got the links to all of Tanier's football columns. The Jets one on tuesday was the best football column I've read all year.

- Alvaro

Phil Simms is to analysts what Ryan Leaf is to NFL QBs