Aaron's Page of Email Jokes

Like everybody else, I get different jokes in emails, and I thought I would start a page to keep the ones I thought were funny enough to keep around.

The Israeli Ambassador is sitting down with Arafat to try to work out an agreement. The ambassador asks if he might first tell a story.  Arafat tells him to go ahead. When Moses was in the desert for forty years the Jews got very thirsty and Moses asked G-d for water and there appeared a beautiful lake. The Jews first drank and then bathed themselves. Moses did the same but when he came out of the water his clothes were gone. Moses shouted "Where are my clothes? Who took them?" The Jews answered "The Palestinians took them." Arafat quickly objected by saying that there were no Palestinians at that time. The ambassador looked at Arafat and said "Now we can begin to negotiate".

In America, everyone knows that it is terribly dangerous in Israel now, and it is not recommended to travel to Israel.

In Israel everyone knows that it is dangerous only in the territories and in a little bit of Jerusalem.

In Jerusalem everyone knows there is shooting going on, but only in the neighborhood of Giloh.

In Giloh everyone knows that it is dangerous, but only on Ha'anafa Street.

On Ha'anafa Street everyone knows that it is dangerous, but not all along the street, just in the houses that face Beit Jalla.

In the houses facing Beit Jalla everyone knows it is dangerous, but mostly in a few apartments on specific floors that get shot at
occasionally.

In the apartments that get shot at they know it is dangerous, but not in all the rooms, just in the kitchen. In the bedrooms and bathrooms for instance, it is totally safe.

In the kitchen that gets shot into they know it is really dangerous, but not in the entire kitchen, just near the fridge and toaster.

Those near the fridge know that where it is really dangerous is in the freezer, which is directly in the sights of the sharpshooter from Beit Jalla. You can take milk and cheese out of the fridge part without getting hit usually. Word-of-honor.

And in the freezer over the fridge part of the refrigerator on one part of Ha'anafa Street at the edge of Giloh in Jerusalem in Israel? Oh boy, it is dangerous there. If you stand there and get some frozen schnitzels out of the freezer - you're taking your life in your hands.

So for a few months, just until things calm down, we're not going to use the freezer. Nu, this you call dangerous?

Subject: Engineering Contest

A contest was held for people to submit their theories on ANY subject.  Below are the winners:

4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory): If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics): Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.

2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic): Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.

1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics): The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics): The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion): When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast-cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

From Nerve.com: 

Following closely on the heels of The New York Times' much-heralded decision last month to publish reports of same-sex commitment ceremonies, as of this weekend, the "Sunday Styles" section of the Times will begin publishing reports of random hook-ups and one-night stands, the newspaper announced yesterday.

Citing a "growing and visible trend" in society towards casual sexual encounters, J.R. Whipple, a spokesperson for the Times, explained, "There is a large segment of the urban population that sleeps around, with no real intention of ever seeing each other again. Such encounters are, however, important to many of our readers, their families and their friends."

"The Times hasn't exactly been on the cutting edge. We realize we were way behind the curve with respect to listing gay commitment ceremonies, and we don't want to make the same mistake twice," Whipple added.

The "Weddings/Celebrations" pages will be renamed "Weddings, Celebrations & Booty Calls". Mr. Whipple also confided that the Times was considering listing the weddings and ceremonies of lower-middle-class couples. "We'll have to wait and see on that one," Whipple said. "Booty calls are one thing, but I don't know if the 'Styles' section is ready for stories about poor people just yet."

Following is a selection of some hook-up announcements which will run this Sunday.

Liza Brownstein and Timothy Franks Liza Avital Brownstein, the daughter of Evelyn and Martin S. Brownstein of Queens Village, Queens, spent much of last Thursday night at the home of Timothy David Franks, a son of Beatrice and Arnold T. Franks of Scarsdale, N.Y.

Ms. Brownstein, 20, currently attends New York University. She has not yet declared a major. Her mother is an elementary school teacher. Her father owns The Clean Kitchen, a vegan restaurant in Queens Village. Ms. Brownstein's parents met under similarly dubious circumstances. Mr. Franks, 23, graduated cum laude from Amherst College. He works as a management consultant at Bain & Co. His mother is the managing partner of Lowell, Harper, a law firm in New York. His father is a partner in the law firm of Cravath, Swaine & Moore, also in New York.

The two met at the popular disco club Polly Esther's in Greenwich Village, where Mr. Franks plied Ms. Brownstein with several "Brady Punches" and "Afro-Disiacs". The pair eventually ended up at Mr. Franks' studio apartment, where, according to Mr. Franks, he "rocked her world." Mr. Franks assured Ms. Brownstein the next day that he would call her "to get together again," but has since misplaced her phone number. Since the encounter, Ms. Brownstein has told several persons about "this really cool guy I'm going out with."

Jennifer Pattersen and "The New Guy in Accounts Payable" Jennifer Margot Pattersen, a daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Carl I. Pattersen, Jr. of Rye, N.Y., went home last Friday