The Week in Quotes: December 1, 2009

compiled by Rory Hickey

I JUST HAVE TO TIP MY CAP AND CALL BRETT FAVRE MY DADDY

"They play well up front and they got a daddy in the backfield. I felt like a little kid out there with a daddy just beating us up."

-- Bears defensive tackle Tommie Harris on the systematic dismantling of the Bears' defense by Vikings quarterback Brett Favre and the Vikings. (Chicago Tribune [1])

HEY MATT LEINART, SUCK IT!

"I almost couldn't do it, because I was peeing in my pants. I'm serious."

-- Titans owner Bud Adams on the multiple sensations he felt from watching quarterback Vince Young lead the Titans to victory on a 99-yard drive to end the game. (USA Today [2])

MISTLETOE!!

"Maybe we'll kiss."

-- Broncos wide receiver Brandon Marshall on the suddenly harmonious Denver locker room after their 26-6 Thanksgiving victory over the Giants. (NFL Nation [3])

I HOPE YOU DON'T KISS BRANDON MARSHALL WITH THAT MOUTH

"All we're trying to do is win a fucking game!"

-- Broncos coach Josh McDaniels, while addressing his team on the sideline during Thursday night's win against the Giants. The profanity was picked up by the NFL Network and broadcast to whoever actually gets NFL Network. (AP [4])

THANKS FOR MAKING ME THINK OF LADY GAGA, REGGIE

"If you doubt, you're done. It's just like showing a bad poker face. If they see that, you're in trouble."

-- Colts wide receiver Reggie Wayne on how the Colts never doubted themselves when down by three scores against the Texans. (Honolulu Advertiser [5])

THE UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA IS A FINE ACADEMIC INSTITUTION

"You see what happens when I play smart. I don't know how to explain it, but it works."

-- Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez on the phenomenon of playing smart football and the magical effect it has on winning games. (AP [6])

"It's like The Da Vinci Code. I'll send you a crypt text. It has nothing to do with the play calling. Nothing. I mean, absolutely nothing. It's just a mindset. There's a lot that goes into it."

-- Sanchez. (FantasyAces.com [7])

YOU COULD BE RETAINED IF ONLY FOR YOUR VOCABULARY

"Oh, I love it. I told him, 'You have some big gonads.' And I told him as long as he keeps hitting them, keep throwing them."

-- Bills interim coach Perry Fewell on quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick throwing it deep to wide receiver Terrell Owens to put Sunday's game out of reach. (The Buffalo News [8])

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT TAFFY HAS TO DO WITH FOOTBALL ...

"At some point we can sit back in Ocean City [and] have some salt water taffy, right now we're right in the middle of the season."

-- Patriots coach Bill Belichick on his Hall of Fame prospects. (The Huddle [9])

HINES WARD IS NO LONGER ON MIKE DITKA'S CHRISTMAS CARD LIST

"I've lied to a couple of doctors saying I'm straight, I feel good when I know that I'm not really straight. I don't think guys really worry about the future while they're playing currently in the NFL."

-- Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward referring to quarterback Ben Roethlisberger not playing in the Steelers' overtime loss to the Ravens. (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette [10])

LOOK, I LOVE JAY CUTLER. HAVING SAID THAT ...

"Look, I love Jay [Cutler], and I understand he's a great player who can take us a long way, and I still have faith in him. But I hate the way our identity has changed. We used to establish the run and wear teams down and try not to make mistakes, and we'd rely on our defense to keep us in the game and make big plays to put us in position to win. Kyle Orton [11] might not be the flashiest quarterback, but the guy is a winner, and that formula worked for us. I hate to say it, but that's the truth."

-- Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher's thoughts on the Bears' change in identity. (Yahoo! [12])

FLACCO MUST HAVE REALLY BEEN BLIND-SIDED BY THE CRITICISM

"The first time I met her, we were in an elevator in San Diego. She says, 'Hi, I'm Michael Oher [13]'s mom. You need to get rid of the ball faster.'
"I said, 'What are you talking about?'
"I went up to Mike and said, 'Mike, your mother just came up to me and is like, you need to get rid of the ball faster.'
"He told her, just joking, nothing too serious. I liked it. It was funny.
"After the game, she sees me and she's like, 'Where's the tattletale?' "

-- Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco on the first time he met offensive tackle Michael Oher's mom. (USA Today [14])

QUARTERBACK-ON-QUARTERBACK CRIME!

"Yeah, I think it was a 15-yarder maybe."

-- Redskins quarterback Jason Campbell, when asked if the hit he took at the end of the game would have been a penalty if he were Tom Brady. (D.C. Sports Bog [15])

IN THE YEAR 3000 ...

"Definitely. I don't know what guy would be happy to be a backup, but some situations you have to take advantage of. Not many quarterbacks can say they learned from a Hall of Fame quarterback."

-- Vikings quarterback Tarvaris Jackson on whether he is still the Vikings' quarterback of the future. (St. Paul Pioneer Press [16])

GUS FREROTTE IS NOT AN IDEAL ROLE MODEL

"I had a bad game. This is the type of game that you hit your head on a wall about."

-- Lions running back Kevin Smith on his Thanksgiving performance against the Packers. (MLive.com [17])

YOU NEED A GALL BLADDER OR A SPLEEN TO FIGHT OPPOSING COACHES, RYAN

"Honestly, my thought on that is, I would like to petition Mr. Goodell and say, if a coach can talk to me like that, I should be able to fight him. I don't know where he's from, but where I'm from, when somebody talks to you like that, they've got a problem with you. And we should be able to fight. If a player talks that way, you get to hit him. When a coach talks that way, you don't really get to strike back. Who wants to have verbal jabs with a coach? That's no fun. Let's fight."

-- Steelers safety Ryan Clark on Broncos coach Josh McDaniels allegedly trash-talking players on opposing teams. (Yahoo! [18])

THE REVOLUTION IS NOT AN APPLE THAT FALLS WHEN IT IS RIPE. MARK MANGINO HAS TO SHAKE THE TREE TO EAT ALL THE APPLES

"I don't have anything to say to any decision-makers or anything. A friend of mine told me something one time I think is a very good way to go about life. That is: I'd rather die on my feet than live on my knees."

-- Kansas Jayhawks coach Mark Mangino defending his administration by channeling his inner Che Guevara. (Huffington Post [19])

I HATE SNOWBOARDING AND I HATE LAKES WITH HIGH CONCENTRATIONS OF SALT

"A little bit, yeah. I don't like Utah. In fact, I hate them. I hate everything about them. I hate their program, I hate their fans, I hate everything. So it felt really good to send those guys home. They didn't deserve it. It was our turn, and our turn to win. We deserved it."

"I think the whole university, their fans and their organization is classless. They threw beer on my family and stuff last year, and they did a whole bunch of nasty things, and I don't respect them, and they deserved to lose."

-- BYU quarterback Max Hall on whether Saturday's victory over Utah redeemed last season's loss against the Utes. (Salt Lake Tribune [21])

IF YOU THINK LOAVES OF BREAD ARE CONTROVERSIAL WAIT UNTIL YOU TAKE A LOOK AT SLICED BREAD

"If you think the Bowl Championship Series is controversial, wait until you realize how much more contentious a playoff would be."

-- BCS executive director Bill Hancock on why playoffs are terrible and we should let the BCS run not just college football but our entire lives. (Deadspin [22])

USC WAS THE 14-POINT FAVORITE AND NEUHEISEL HAS A HISTORY OF GAMBLING ... JUST SAYIN'

"I don't forget much."

-- UCLA coach Rick Neuheisel, referring to USC throwing a 48-yard touchdown pass to go up 28-7 with 44 seconds remaining and the game already in hand, after Neuheisel called a timeout when USC was attempting to kneel the clock out. (Los Angeles Wave [23])

ARE WE EVEN SURE THE UFL KEEPS TRACK OF POINTS?

"Score more points."

-- Las Vegas Locos coach Jim Fassel on what it would take for his team to defeat the Florida Tuskers in the UFL Championship Game. They did win 20-17 in overtime ... but you knew that. (UFL Access [24])

WHY ARE SIDELINE REPORTERS NECESSARY?

"I'm getting you this time, Brady."

-- ESPN sideline reporter Suzy Kolber on The Mayne Event making light of her unwitting attempt to interview Tom Brady when Brady was not supposed to be interviewed. (Awful Announcing [25])

TIM TEBOW ORDERED A BIG MAC AT BURGER KING ... AND GOT ONE

"He's so much more than stats."

-- CBS analyst Gary Danielson on Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow. (Awful Announcing [26])

"It's like watching The Natural; I feel like lightning is about to hit somewhere."

-- Danielson on Tebow's entrance into The Swamp. (Awful Announcing [27])

"Look at me! I'm even paying tribute to Tim Tebow today!"

-- CBS sideline reporter Tracy Wolfson showing her true journalistic integrity by joining the fans at The Swamp in wearing eye black in honor of Tim Tebow, our Lord and Savior. (Awful Announcing [28])

THE STEELERS ARE EITHER ROBBERS OR BIG BAD WOLVES

"Anybody that sees us coming, they better bring their best, because that's what we're bringing to the table. And I back coach on that 100 percent. I work too hard in the offseason, and we worked our tails off to come out and defend our throne. Obviously, things haven't turned out like we planned. The next thing is to start knocking over people's houses until we get what we want."

-- Steelers offensive tackle Willie Colon (Page Two [29])

JOE BUCK NOW RETROACTIVELY HATES MONSTER'S BALL

"That would mean a lot. That's like me dating Halle Berry."

-- Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco on the potential of an unblemished division record, which the Bengals earned with a 16-7 victory over the Browns. (Cincinnati.com [30])

LIONS OFFENSE = ANNOYING LITTLE BROTHER?

"I thought we had our house of cards built up pretty good and a [darn] stiff wind came and knocked 'em all down. That really did hurt. That game was not what we were looking for on defense. The offense was so outstanding, we didn't hold up our end."

-- Browns defensive coordinator Rob Ryan on his team giving up 38 points to the Detroit Lions in their Week 11 loss. (Ohio.com [31])

WAIT SO IT'S A FOOD BUT IT CAN SING TOO?

"Is there only one Black Eyed Pea group? I've seen them everywhere."

-- CBS analyst Gary Danielson on the confusing nature of the Black Eyed Peas. (Awful Announcing [32])

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