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» Week 2 DVOA Ratings

Stomping the Jags leaves Washington No. 2 behind only Denver. But what can we really learn from one big win early in the season, before we are applying opponent adjustments?

06 Oct 2011

Walkthrough: Distraction, Frustration

by Mike Tanier

This Walkthrough is being written with Albert Pujols on second base and a Mister Softee truck outside, which I hope will explain any incoherence, distractedness, or insanity.

Pujols is now out, having grounded to Ryan Howard 3-1. The ice cream truck is also gone, but its appearance in the first place was mysterious. It is October. It is maybe 60 degrees. This is not ice cream truck weather. I can still hear the song around the corner. The Mister Softee theme in October is like "I’ll Be Home for Christmas" on April 15th.

Distraction. Confusion. Incoherence. Lack of sleep. You start noticing the craziest things.

I was flipping between the Monday Night Football game and the Rangers-Rays baseball game the other night. The football game was boring. The baseball game was a baseball game. For some reason, I felt compelled to read the little blue capsule that appears when you press the “info” button on a digital cable remote control. Here is what it said about the Buccaneers-Colts game:

“The Colts’ 11-3 MNF record with now-injured quarterback Peyton Manning includes an epic 2003 OT win here in which they rallied for 3 TDs in the last four minutes. Dwight Freeney and Bucs rookie Adrian Clayborn are the top DEs.”

What transcendent incoherence. To summarize, a quarterback who is not playing tonight led an "epic" comeback eight years ago, and there exist humans with the job description "defensive end," including such examples as Dwight Freeney and Adrian Clayborn. It sounds like the introduction of a Japanese video game that has not been properly localized into English.

Let me write one of those for next Monday night: "The Lions and Bears’ epic MNF matchups include a 13-point fourth quarter Bears comeback in 1986, with Doug Flutie throwing for 130 yards. Current Bears players include Dane Sanzenbacher."

Now, to be fair to the poor person who writes these capsules, he or she is expected to churn out dozens per day, receives no credit, does not expect anyone to read them, and probably is not a football fan. Ask me to write a hockey capsule about the Detroit Red Wings, and you will probably get some clunky "Pavel Datsyuck is among top forward skating persons" level sentences.

What is striking about the MNF capsule is that looks like the work of a random thought generator. It takes research to determine that the Colts rallied for three touchdowns in four minutes against the Buccaneers eight years ago. If you are not a Colts or Bucs fan, you probably cannot recall the game, so someone had to look that up, even if it meant scanning a pregame press release. Similarly, it takes a little digging for a non-football fan to unearth the existence of Adrian Clayborn.

What I guess happened is that the writer, looking for something to say about a Buccaneers player, tried to find some exciting new player to mention. When none appeared on the roster, he grabbed the top draft pick and tried to say something nice about him. He hoped bundling Clayborn with Dwight Freeney and mentioning the “top DEs” added insight to the game, just as I hope Pavel Datsyuck is a decent hockey player and is not famous for strangling parakeets now that I casually mentioned him.

So a lot of work went into making something utterly illogical that no one would read. My wife must encounter this all of the time as an English teacher.

It is never a good idea to flip through the ESPN tier on limited sleep, anyway. ESPN2 promised something called the “CrossFit Games” on Monday night but was showing auto racing instead. Out of curiosity, I loaded up an internet video of CrossFit. Sure enough, it consists of people exercising in front of an audience. In a way, that is what all sports are, but CrossFit does more to remove the illusion that anything is going on but simple exercise than anything I have ever seen on television, including the Combine. Contestants don’t lift beer kegs or climb through ninja training obstacle courses. They use rowing machines, outdoors, in the sunshine.

Now, I have a high tolerance for goofball sports, but if you really want to demonstrate your rowing fitness on a sunny day with television cameras watching, perhaps you should consider, I don’t know, getting in a boat? This is what ESPN2 airs to make Curtis Painter and American League baseball interesting. And Dwight Freeney and Adrian Clayborn are the top DEs.

Meanwhile ESPNU ran Palmer and Pollack, in which Jim Palmer dabbles in splatter painting and alcoholism. Kidding! "Former SEC rivals Jesse Palmer and David Pollack break down college football action." That capsule is taken more-or-less verbatim from the digital cable "info" box, so you can tell that the copywriter got his A-game back.

Palmer and Pollack is amazing, because the two hosts are forced to watch highlights on the same screen that viewers at home watch, so their backs are turned to the camera for much of the show. It is like watching an old Latin mass. Palmer and Pollack are also denied laser pointers, or yardsticks, or whittled tree branches with which to point out what is going on during their tape breakdowns. That means they must often stand directly in front of the screen while commenting about what is happening. "Check out this pulling guard hitting the hole," Pollack might say, but he is standing in front of the pulling guard, so only he can see him. This, sadly, is what a television show would look like if Football Outsiders produced one.

There is something genuinely insane about watching a television program in which two hosts are forced to almost always have their backs turned, just as it is either nutty or creepy to watch someone on a rowing machine. But this stuff no longer registers. A car drove into a house next to my kids’ school the other day. The driver stopped at a stop sign, then somehow suddenly blacked out and jammed his foot on the accelerator. He hopped a curb, climbed a hill, eluded two cherry trees, a No Parking sign, and Colin Baxter, rolled over the railroad tracks, through a fence, and right into the family room of a house. The driver was not hurt. A passed out guy with his foot on the gas, causing unintentional but still terrible damage, probably has great metaphor value. But Juan Castillo has suffered enough, as have we at his hands.

A few hours after the accident, I stopped at 7-11, where a four-year-old girl was begging her mom for a treat. "Please mommy, please: I want this!" It was a bag of jalapeno beef jerky. Her mother told her she could not have it. "No, no, no," mom said. "That is not the kind you like." She then handed the preschooler a different brand of jalapeno beef jerky. This is what passes for normal in the Philadelphia area these days.

But back to MNF. Painter hit Pierre Garcon for a long touchdown in the second quarter, and the cameras showed Peyton Manning clapping in the coach’s booth. Manning claps funny. I know, I know, focusing on Manning’s every move and criticizing his body language is someone else’s shtick. Heck, it is everyone else’s shtick. But the man claps funny. I rewound and went frame-by-frame, mesmerized by the difficulty he had generating noise through the collision of one hand with another. There was too much space between the fingers. He clasped palm to palm, but his fingers were splayed and limp, and they kind of fluttered, like they were made of felt and pinned to his knuckles. At one point, he missed: he threw one palm against another and missed completely, with one index finger crashing into the top of the other wrist and fingers toppling over each other like they were trying to escape a car driving over railroad tracks and into someone’s house.

My wife tried to explain the ridiculous clap technique. "Maybe it is because he is hurt," she said.

Maybe. And maybe the guy who writes the digital cable capsules is Adrian Clayborn’s cousin. Maybe I live in the ice cream and beef jerky capital of America. Or maybe we have all been driven to distraction, incoherence, and insanity.

If so, I blame Juan Castillo.

Frustration Rankings

There is a difference between a bad team and a frustrating team. The Chiefs are a bad team. The 1998 Eagles were a bad team. There is nothing worse than rooting for a bad team, because bad teams cause a deep-tissue despair that ruins your week and makes you dread Sundays.

The 2011 Eagles are a frustrating team. They have talent and expectations, but they lose, causing the kind of insanity that leads to rambling Walkthrough intros. Frustrating teams are more memorable than truly bad teams, and they usually inspire a riper variety of griping.

The Eagles have rarely been truly bad during my lifetime, but they have almost always been frustrating. So far, the 2011 team is on pace to be the Most Frustrating Eagles Team Ever, a true accomplishment. In honor of that, and as a form of therapy, I assembled this Top Five list of the most frustrating Eagles teams ever.

5. The 2008 Eagles: 9-6-1. This was the infamous "Donovan McNabb does not know the overtime rules" team. It was also the Eagles team overshadowed by the Phillies World Series win, which was great, because most people in the Delaware Valley could chuckle about the tie and the following week’s ugly loss to the Ravens while thinking happy thoughts about the Phillies parade.

One of the worst things about that 2008 team was that the Eagles were on their fourth year of wobbling along with Andy Reid and late-era McNabb. Four years of Jeff Garcia stories, injuries, and repetitive complaints: the whole routine had grown incredibly stale. As much as I criticize fans and writers for lapsing into "Fire the Coach" or "Bench the Quarterback" mode after every loss, fatigue does set in, especially after four solid years of watching the same storyline unfold in the same way every year.

Of course, the Eagles rebounded late in that season to make the playoffs, win two games, and almost beat the Cardinals to reach the Super Bowl, which guaranteed another year of McNabb and several more of Reid. It was one of the least "fun" playoff runs ever: it felt undeserved, the postseason wins were not very convincing, and Reid-McNabb hatred had grown so virulent that there was a push-pull element to the rooting, even in the NFC Championship game. It was not how being a football fan was supposed to feel.

4. The 1990 Eagles: 10-6. Late-era Buddy Ryan football felt a little like the lap dance you get just before closing time from the girl who already gave 75 of them. It was so exhausted and perfunctory that it went beyond going through the motions. I think Jets fans are about to experience the same feeling. The "pillaging pirate" thing wears off very quickly when your team’s weaknesses never improve but the coach and players keep crowing on and on about toughness and grudge matches.

Randall Cunningham had his best statistical season in 1990, but the Eagles opened the season 1-3, losing to the awful Cardinals in what felt like an annual tradition during Ryan’s tenure. They followed a mid-season five-game winning streak with two losses, and it was hard to muster enthusiasm for what had become the same old Eagles: they had no running game other than Cunningham scrambles, and even the great defense couldn’t register as many sacks as the offense allowed. Late in the year, the Eagles beat the Packers with Anthony Dilweg at quarterback and the Cowboys with Babe Laufenberg at quarterback, so it was off to the playoffs again. Unfortunately, Joe Gibbs did not oblige Ryan by putting some obscure backup under center for the Redskins in the playoffs.

I was at college when the Ryan era fizzled out, living a surprisingly low-football lifestyle, by my standards anyway. It was easy to ignore these Eagles when there was always another coming-of-age adventure to be had. Many friends my age lionize the whole Buddy Ryan experience. I believe that they: a) get some of the big events from the early Rich Kotite years, like the "House of Pain" game against the Oilers, mixed up in their Ryan vault, or b) equate these years with being 23 years old and having the world by the package, so they just forget all of those games when Heath Sherman and Robert Drummond were the running backs.

3. The 1994 Eagles: 7-9. If the late Ryan era was like 3:00 a.m. in a strip joint, the late Rich Kotite era was like the wee hours at a turnpike off-ramp convenience store, with drunks shuffling around buying microwave hotdogs and spilling things. It was depressing without that faint afterglow of sexiness. The 1994 Eagles raced out to 4-1, beating what looked like an unbeatable Niners team in the process, then built their record to 7-2 before losing seven straight games to end the season. Charlie Garner arrived on the scene with a 111-yard game against the Niners, then a 100-yarder against the Redskins, then was alternately injured or misused by Kotite, whose only plan for the man who would become a dynamic runner-receiver in better hands was to feed him to the line from the I-formation. Cunningham got progressively worse, grew nuttier and nuttier, and got benched in favor of Bubby Brister. Kotite was not a joke before this season: he took the Eagles to the playoffs twice. He became a joke during that last losing streak.

2. The 1981 Eagles: 10-6. One year after reaching the Super Bowl, Dick Vermeil’s Eagles started the season 9-2, winning games by margins like 36-13 and 52-10. They then lost four of their last five games, in increasingly ugly ways, before a sloppy 27-21 Wild Card loss to the Giants which was not nearly as close as the score. Ron Jaworski endured an awful late-season slump, which really marked the beginning of his second career as a guy who got sacked a dozen times per game.

Years later, a retired Eagles player admitted that he sold cocaine to several members of the 1981 team –- not Jaws and the guys, but second-tier players, some of whom visibly regressed as the 1981 season wore on -- and there were rumors of out-of-control parties before the Wild Card loss. Cocaine was big in football back then, and the Giants probably partook as much or more than the Eagles, but I have always wondered just how much of that 1981 collapse –- and Vemeil’s impending burnout –- was caused by a few snowblind players. It at least gives them a plausible excuse, which is more than what we have now.

1. The 2005 Eagles: 6-10. This was the sit-ups-in-the-driveway team. Like the 1981 Eagles, they were coming off a Super Bowl appearance with most of the roster intact. Terrell Owens went into shenanigans mode during camp, then deftly turned his contract dispute into an anti-McNabb crusade. The Eagles lost the season opener to the Falcons. They then beat the Niners 42-3 in a win that protested too much: it felt a lot like the season-opening Rams win this year, as if they were saying "so what if we hate each other and make stupid mistakes, look how talented we are when we are destroying an awful team." They had to come back from a 24-6 deficit to beat the Chiefs, then lost 33-10 to the Cowboys, and then everything really started to unravel, with Owens suspended and McNabb hurt and the team going 2-8 down the stretch.

The best thing the 2005 team did was disappear, getting so bad down the stretch that the world was ignoring them and I could watch their games for giggles, or even better, get lots of out-of-town games in the bar even when the Eagles are on. That answers a likely complaint about this frustration list: that some fans would kill for a season like 1990 or even 2008, because it was better than watching a team go 4-12. Sometimes, that 4-12 season is a favor –- not if it happens for several years in a row, like it did for the Lions or the Rams, but if it happens with a dull, satisfying thud that tells you to make other plans for Sunday afternoons. It’s better to be bored than infuriated, sometimes at least. And as the list above shows, it’s easy to get too much of a somewhat good, but maddeningly frustrating, thing.

And Finally

Thanks to everyone who came out to the Collingswood Book Festival! I got to sit on a sportswriter murderer’s row between Les Bowen, who had some extra time on his hands, and Allen Barra. We talked to readers and each other about football history and other topics, though mostly we teased Bowen. (He’s a great guy!) I nearly sold out of copies of The Philly Fan's Code, but there are plenty more on Amazon. My mother asked me after the book festival if I sold any copies to people I did not personally know. Prove my mom wrong! Buy a book!

Diagram fans and people who want their Walkthrough more technical, don’t despair! Two diagram-heavy articles are dropping on the NBC family of websites this week, and I will be sure to XP them. Also, my work on the Bats blog for the New York Times continues. Walkthrough may get a little loopy at times over the next few weeks, but keep the faith.

Now, for all of you Lions fans and Cowboys bashers out there, a moment of Zen:

Figure 1: Life Is A Series Of Compromises

Posted by: Mike Tanier on 06 Oct 2011

61 comments, Last at 11 Oct 2011, 4:09pm by C-Weezy

Comments

1
by ASmitty :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 9:12am

I love the info button! A couple of years back I recall the info caption for an Atlanta Hawks/Orlando Magic basketball game read as follows:

"Former Duke stars JJ Reddick and Sheldon Williams meet up in an NBA clash."

Of course, neither guy played a minute in the game, as both are substandard NBA players and were the 12th men on their respective teams.

I also enjoy info-buttoning bad movies on Comcast, which starts the info caption off with a star rating followed by a summary. For bad movies, the rating is invariably one star, but the summary will say something like "Cuba Gooding Jr. and Eric Roberts team up at last for this hysterical romp from the director of Big Momma's House II."

2
by tenthring (not verified) :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 9:30am

I believe one company, called next level stats, produces all the shitty random statistics for sports (the NFL at least). They then sell their shitty statistics to anyone who needs shitty statistics.

3
by slopduck (not verified) :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 9:45am

I think you'll find that those info caplets are actually written by computers algorithms. Slate on a thing on something similar last week in their week long feature about robots taking all our jobs. Look on the last page of this story
http://www.slate.com/articles/technology/robot_invasion/2011/09/will_rob...

4
by Keith(1) (not verified) :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 9:56am

The most amazing play diagram just happened!

6
by gtliles82 :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 10:04am

Phenomenal. Love the 6-9-3 formation.

37
by Independent George :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 5:08pm

That diagram should be a motivational poster.

5
by Travis :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 10:00am
57
by jebmak :: Sun, 10/09/2011 - 9:06am

Hah!

60
by Noah of Arkadia :: Tue, 10/11/2011 - 12:37pm

That's awesome!

------
When you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you will head off your foes with a balanced attack

7
by Southern Philly :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 10:06am

I guess Rob Ryan should get some credit for saying that he wasn't worried about Calvin Johnson and then sticking to his guns all game long.

No, he gets no credit at all. None.

8
by Raiderjoe :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 10:09am

L ol at Tanier's moday might football game info. Going to do the same with some other games when get chancr. Can only post from pgpne for next few days. Have to give Vrizon good talking to. Cut service afyer didn't pay bill but that becauasuse they dodn(t give service for over one month. Jerk company. No way will pay for 31 ddays no phone and 45 days no inteenet.

Funny aside. Saw two dogs other day. Boith tan. Other person with liked them. Replied to person that one tanier than other one. Probably likes football

51
by divisionnick (not verified) :: Fri, 10/07/2011 - 11:00pm

It's an absolute crime if RaiderJoe doesn't have a Twitter page.

9
by Nate Jones (not verified) :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 10:33am

I dunno, from where I was the 2008 Eagles playoff run was pretty fun. The Phillies had already won the World Series, so the whole thing felt like we were playing with house money. We got in in the first place with the 'Eagles porn" game against Dallas, then in the wild-card round we had the beatdown on the Vikings that led to this epic gif: Then we beat #1 seeded Giants in the division a few weeks after Plaxico has been shot. I don't think anyone REALLY expected us to beat the Cardinals, so while it was heartbreaking that we lost (especially after coming so close) it was probably only the third-most-disappointing NFC championship loss of the Andy Reid era.

But as with your buddies and the Buddy Ryan Eagles, I was also in my early 20s at the time, so who knows?

19
by Yuri (not verified) :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 12:04pm

A lot of people expected the Eagles to beat Arizona--they were favored!

NY Times had the line as Eagles by 4.
http://fifthdown.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/01/17/nfc-championship-preview-e...

42
by Whatev :: Fri, 10/07/2011 - 9:43am

Aren't the Cardinals like, the Eagles' historic nemesis?

59
by Trinian (not verified) :: Mon, 10/10/2011 - 4:53pm

Not really,

The Cardinals and the Eagles played each other for the NFL Championship in 1947 & 1948. The Cardinals won in 1947 (the second of their two NFL Championships) and the Eagles in 1948 (the first of their three NFL Championships). Neither team has a Super Bowl win.

24
by qed :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 1:01pm

I believe that Eagles team finished first or second in DVOA. The NFC championship game loss was disappointing but I wouldn't consider the overall season "frustrating".

10
by AnonymousD (not verified) :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 10:46am

Who would they have put on Calvin Johnson anyway? Their tallest corner is the indomitable Alan Ball. The secondary player with the best height/vertical jump combination is Gerald Sensabaugh - who was injured. Not that Sensabaugh would've stopped Megatron/Optimus Prime/other 80s character anyway. Do you line up two guys on him when Detroit has the ball at your 1 yard line?

12
by Karl Cuba :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 10:56am

A few years ago Dallas did have a rather good cornerback called Prime.

16
by David Stern (not verified) :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 11:27am

With the NBA locked out, I wonder how much it would cost to rent Dwight Howard just to defend Megatron in the end zone.

26
by Tim Wilson :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 1:38pm

For the course of the game, CB Mike Jenkins allowed 1 completion on 4 attempts to Calvin Johnson. And the Cowboys were doing much much better against him before Sensabaugh went down...then Pettigrew exploded and so did CJ. Barry Church is not an adequate quarterback of the secondary.

29
by tuluse :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 1:50pm

I think you line up a linebacker on Johnson's side with the instructions to take away slant routes, and the corner is just responsible for fades then. Ideally the corner gets a good jam and forces an inside release.

11
by Karl Cuba :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 10:54am

I really enjoy Walkthoughs when Tanier is beginning to go slightly insane, great read.

53
by Dean :: Sat, 10/08/2011 - 8:37pm

Agreed. The last couple walkthroughs have been uninspiring. I acutally thought that maybe Mike was burned out from the book/strike/whatever - but didn't feel like bashing a guy whose track record is as good as his. Hey - they can't all be winners. Whatever. Mike's back on form.

13
by t.d. :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 11:03am

I would actually disagree about that 2003 Colts comeback, because that was before Peyton Manning became PEYTON MANNING. It was sort of when he arrived as a great player.

14
by Karl Cuba :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 11:17am

Marvin Harrison was outstanding in that game too, lighting up what was one of the better pass defenses of all time.

23
by InTheBoilerRoom :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 12:49pm

Likewise. I'm neither a Colts nor a Bucs fan, but that MNF game is the most memorable one that I've ever seen in my lifetime. Before watching this past week's game, I was actually telling my wife about that game from 8 years ago, because we were joking about how every regular season matchup becomes some grand rivalry, even between two teams that play each other once every four years. We were expecting the game to be referred to as the "Dungy Bowl" the whole time (even though Dungy is no longer involved with either team), and I expected constant references to the comeback win eight years previously (even though very few of the parties involved in that game were actually involved in this week's game). Of course, that turned into a contest of us coming up with ways that broadcasters would make the most mundane matchups seem like some great rivalry with historical significance.

36
by Independent George :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 5:07pm

Interestingly enough, what I remember most about that game was the "leaping" call at the end of the game, which allowed Vanderjagt to kick the game winner despite shanking it a second time in a row. That somehow managed to outweigh Manning, Dungy, and that Bucs D in my mind.

15
by Harry (not verified) :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 11:17am

" Many friends my age lionize the whole Buddy Ryan experience"

Wow, as someone from Tanier's age group (but 'Skins fan), I find that kind of surprising. The Buddy Ryan Eagles always seemed like mediocre underachievers to me, never a serious threat to win anything. But I guess the fact that I was out of the country during the '88 and '89 seasons may have skewed my memory. Those seem to have been Ryan's best years. I wonder if Charger fans 20 years from now will feel similar nostalgia for the Turner years.

18
by MJK :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 11:56am

Given human nature to always think the grass is greener (especially when it comes to Philly sports teams), I'm guessing Philly fans of the day didn't necessarily love Buddy Ryan, but now they lionize him as a counter-stroke to bashing Andy Reid.

20
by Cro-mags (not verified) :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 12:10pm

I think it's more a case of what you see now with Rex Ryan - he brought a bravado, toughness, and almost vengeful nature to every game. Win or lose he gave the team an identity, something that fans could get behind and feel proud of supporting. The problem is, that act wears thin after a few years.

It doesn't help that Ryan's Eagles were in a very tough division with Parcell's Giants, Johnson's 'Boys and Gibbs Redskins who all won SuperBowls out of that division. That was a tough division to rise out of.

54
by Dean :: Sat, 10/08/2011 - 8:40pm

Quite the opposite. Eagles fans LOVED Buddy. At least everyone I knew did. I was in high school when he was hired and college when he was fired, so the fact that a coach had a set of balls was great. The only coach more canonized in Philly is Vermeil. And a generation from now, time will heal things with Reid, much like it eventually did with Freddy Shero.

31
by mansteel (not verified) :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 2:37pm

Your perception may have a lot to do with the fact that the Redskins (almost) always beat Buddy Ryan's Eagles.

Meanwhile, from over in Giants' fan land, I'll always remember those Eagle teams as both fearsome and absurdly lucky. They almost always found a way to beat the G-Men (5-1 in '88-'90 against Giants teams who were 34-8 against everybody else), whether it was a 90-yd Randall Cunningham punt, Clyde Simmons running in a blocked PHILLY field goal for a game-winning TD, or just plain abusing our O-line to the tune of something like 2.2 yds/carry and 4 sacks.

There's a Giants-fan website lists the 15 most painful Giants losses ever: 3 of the top (bottom?) 10 are losses to Ryan's Eagles teams--and #14 is from the year after he left. From my perspective, it's a wonder those teams didn't win multiple SBs.

39
by Tom M. (not verified) :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 11:11pm

It's true. For a pretty significant segment of Eagles fans, Buddy remains a hero, and those teams somehow still stand as the Ultimate Eagles Teams for a lot of people around here, even though they never won a playoff game. Stuff like the Body Bag Game has a lot to do with it.

46
by Kevin from Philly :: Fri, 10/07/2011 - 2:28pm

The thing about Buddy Ryans Eagles was, they were fun, and fun goes a long way when all your other teams stink. The bluster, the defense that would smack around the Simms' and Aikmans of the world, the lunacy of Randall - sheer entertainment magic. Yeah we never won under Buddy, but we'd never won before either, so it's not like the fans were shocked when the season ended poorly agian and again. At least we had good stories to laugh at.

17
by justanothersteve :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 11:49am

You know Tanier is distracted and somewhat incoherent when he starts out by having Pujols grounding out from second base. Fun read.

Always imagined a FO show being a couple guys in front of a blue screen (like the local weatherperson) pointing out stuff they actually see on a monitor slightly out of camera view. Lots of cool animated diagrams showing player movement followed by the play on film. Going in and out of commercials would be lots of spreadsheets with numbers breaking down every part of football. It would be awesome.

33
by MrBismarck :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 3:51pm

I imagined a FO TV show to be just 22 minutes of numbers scrolling down the screen.

"You get used to it. You don't even see the code. All I see is Painter, Brady, Dalton."

48
by Bowl Game Anomaly :: Fri, 10/07/2011 - 4:01pm

Like.

49
by armchair journe... :: Fri, 10/07/2011 - 9:06pm

perfect.

21
by Cro-mags (not verified) :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 12:15pm

"House of Pain Game."

That was the MNF game where Wes Hopkins broke Ernest Givens nose with the elbow?

55
by Dean :: Sat, 10/08/2011 - 8:42pm

That was a great one. I still have a VHS copy of that game. Come to think of it, I'll be back in a couple hours!

22
by CathyW :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 12:30pm

As a fellow Eagles fan, I completely agree both with your list and where you have the seasons ranked. 2005 still stands out to me as the most frustrating season in recent memory. 2011 right now is falling somewhere not quite at 2005 level, but close. Argh.

25
by Raiderjoe :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 1:27pm

Funnh tbat Kotote won a playoff game but not Buffy Ryan.

44
by ibanez_ax (not verified) :: Fri, 10/07/2011 - 12:39pm

As bad as Kotite was, I believe in my heart to this day that he was a Randall Cunningham injury away from being a Super Bowl coach in 1991 with that defense.

27
by tuluse :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 1:40pm

There is something genuinely insane about watching a television program in which two hosts are forced to almost always have their backs turned

I admit MST3K was a little quirky, but insanity seems a bit much.

50
by armchair journe... :: Fri, 10/07/2011 - 9:11pm

That's 3 hosts.. The extra one makes it quirky.

28
by IAmJoe (not verified) :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 1:48pm

"Pavel Datsyuck is among top forward skating persons"

I cheered!

38
by TomC :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 7:25pm

Indeed, that was awesome. The funny thing (to me) is that I clearly hear that in a Russian accent, and my first reaction was "but surely a Russian would know how to spell 'Datsyuk'". But then, not if that Russian didn't know how to properly transliterate from Cyrillic. But if he didn't know how to do that, how did he know enough to properly spell all the other words?

And that's 30 seconds of my life I will never get back.

58
by jebmak :: Sun, 10/09/2011 - 9:47am

And now we too.

30
by TomKelso :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 2:04pm

I was afraid the second act of Palmer/Pollack would be a guy who vaguely looks like Ed Harris shilling for ridiculously high-interest loans while wearing only Jockey...

And I'm a lifelong Orioles fan, but that would be too hard to take!

32
by gtliles82 :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 2:44pm

Mike, where would you rank the '92 Eagles? Believe that was the post-Jerome Brown season where the defense (White, Joyner, Allen, Waters, Simmons, etc.) was super-intimidating. They had a solid year but got thrashed by the Cowboys in the playoffs. During the regular season they had been pretty even.

34
by Pat (filler) (not verified) :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 4:19pm

"The 2011 Eagles are a frustrating team. They have talent and expectations"

I don't get the "they have talent" part. They have some talent, sure, but only the really, really bad teams have no talent. They've got talent at QB, at RB, at WR, at CB, and at DE.

That's pretty much it. Their offensive line is absolutely pedestrian right now, and I'd honestly be surprised if any of the linebackers or safeties would start on another team in the NFL right now (which, incidentally, is what I said before the season... which might be why the 2011 Eagles don't interest me that much).

That's what, 8 players out of 22 that are talented. They're not really all that talented a team. They just happened to have talent at showy positions.

35
by Shattenjager :: Thu, 10/06/2011 - 4:55pm

I had never before looked at the game logs for Cunningham's 1994 season. What the hell happened to him, seriously?

First nine games: 169/299 (56.5%), 2248 passing yards (7.52 Y/A), 14 passing TD, 8 INT (7.52 AY/A), 49 carries, 192 rushing yards (3.92 Y/A), 2 rushing TD.
Last five games: 96/191 (50.3%), 981 passing yards (5.14 Y/A), 2 passing TD, 5 INT (4.17 AY/A), 16 carries, 96 rushing yards (6.00 Y/A), 1 rushing TD.

Note: pfr doesn't have sack or fumble data in its game logs, so that's why they aren't there.

After typing that, I may have already found the answer: three of those five games were against the top three teams in defensive DVOA (Pit, Dal, Ari) while another was against the number ten team (Cle).

40
by BigCheese :: Fri, 10/07/2011 - 2:18am

Glad to see you haven't lost your Rorshan voice during the intro, Mike...

- Alvaro

Phil Simms is to analysts what Ryan Leaf is to NFL QBs

41
by Marko :: Fri, 10/07/2011 - 5:04am

"Let me write one of those for next Monday night: "The Lions and Bears’ epic MNF matchups include a 13-point fourth quarter Bears comeback in 1986, with Doug Flutie throwing for 130 yards."

The most memorable Lions-Bears MNF game can be summed up in two words: Eric Hipple.

43
by Gnopaine :: Fri, 10/07/2011 - 10:23am

I think Mrs. Tanier would give today's essay an A+. I haven't laughed this much at a sports article in years.

45
by ASmitty :: Fri, 10/07/2011 - 1:20pm

Along a similar vein as Palmer and Pollack, when I was in Spain I noticed probably the most bizzarre sports programming I've ever seen. I'm not sure if it was some sort of end-around the Spanish version of blackout rules, but there were soccer matches where, if you tuned into the game on your television, the broadcast consisted of two announcers just watching the game on television, but the television wasn't visible to the viewers at home.

And, upon reflection, it would be kind of a stretch to call them announcers, since they didn't really announce the game in any sort of play-by-play fashion. They just sort of sat there and reacted as any other pair of people would while watching a game on their couch; stretches of silence punctuated by exasperated groans of "how did he miss that?" and the like.

It was mesmerizing.

47
by Raiderjoe :: Fri, 10/07/2011 - 2:40pm

Is column writer frink? B. Ryan lionized becaususe put bounty on Cowbpys and his yeams usually beat Giants and was tough guy head coaxh. Kotite not as pupular with eagles fans becauuse waa s considered dummy and looked like stooge and was not tough seeming even though was good boxer in younger fays but that is hoe eagles fans see it.

Also team need to change unifprms. Horrible looking crap they wear. Go back to van brocjlin era outfits. Wore them week 1 2010 seaspn. Greta clean lookinh things. Helmets current = dorky. Number fonts also geelky

52
by Bright Blue Shorts :: Sat, 10/08/2011 - 2:04pm

Go RJ ... the bounty bowl woohoo ... do you remember the great press conference quote where Jimmy Johnson said "I would have talked to Buddy about it but he put his big fat ass into gear" and then when they interviewed Buddy Ryan he said "Ah I resent that I've been on a diet and I've lost a couple of pounds" ...

56
by JV (not verified) :: Sun, 10/09/2011 - 2:10am

As a football handicapper who also suffers from a lack of sleep, I have to compliment you on today's intro. Hilarious. I was, as my little sister says, LOL'ing (or something like that).

Great article as usual. Thanks.

61
by C-Weezy (not verified) :: Tue, 10/11/2011 - 4:09pm

Another Eagles fan checking in here. Believe it or not, the 2008 team might actually end up being my favorite of the Andy Reid Eagles team. This is due to the fact that everyone knew it was their last shot, and the last season with McNabb, Westbrook, Dawkins, Tra Thomas, and Jon Runyan together. The linebackers were one of the better triplets in the era. The only game the team got really blown out in was the Baltimore game, and they had a good record versus playoff teams that year. and despite coming up short again in the title game, they ended the Giants and Cowboys' seasons. It's really a shame they didn't get to the Super Bowl that year, as in a regular season game that year the Eagles ravaged the Steelers.

I think the 2003 team might now be my second favorite. The luck and breaks they caught that season were really magical. I remember an atrocious run defense that I think gave up 100 yards rushing for about three months straight, but somehow coming up with a 4th and 1 stop or something else weird to win. Think the Westbrook punt return, and the two Packers games from that season.