Tom and Mike have climbed to the top of the Hill of Nonsense and unleash another wave of insane wagering on the world.
20 Sep 2007
compiled by Ben Riley
"I'm surprised this analogy hasn't come up yet. Can't you see Bill Belichick and Roger Goodell in the office having the conversation, and you picture Roger Goodell as Tom Cruise, and you picture Bill Belichick as Jack Nicholson. And they're sitting in the courtroom, and they're having this discussion, and all of a sudden Goodell is like, 'Did you order a code red?!?!'"
-- Dolphins quarterback Trent Green, sharing his cinematic vision of how it all went down
"And Belichick is sitting there. And you know he's getting peeved because he's even in there, that [Goodell/Cruise] has the audacity to bring him in and question it."
"That's the analogy and kind of the visual that I have, is that eventually Belichick just kinda snapped and went, 'You're darn right I ordered a code red!'"
"I don't know, maybe I'm the only one that has that warped perception."
-- Green (Palm Beach Post)
"When you lose a guy like me, you're going to do whatever it takes to get the edge to win."
-- 49ers linebacker Tully Banta-Cain, offering the second-funniest explanation for the signal-taping scandal. To be clear, Banta-Cain was joking. (Santa Rosa Press-Democrat)
"The evidence we saw and the evidence we gathered, and the other tests we had other experts look at and we felt at that time there was no objective evidence. At the time we made that statement all of the evidence was pointing in his favor. Obviously something came out three weeks after that, and that obviously didn't look favorable on David."
-- Buccaneers general manager Bruce Allen, explaining why the Bucs' front office issued a public statement that claimed there was no "objective evidence" that wide receiver David Boston was under the influence of a foreign substance at the time of his arrest, even though (a) Boston was arrested while sleeping in a running vehicle; (b) there was a police video of Boston refusing to walk the line; and (c) the arresting officer clearly indicated that he knew Boston was under the influence of something other than alcohol. Boston's urine test later revealed traces of GHB -- also referred to as "liquid ecstasy" -- and the Bucs released him.
"I'm very disappointed not only for David Boston but for our fans. This is a guy that got hurt in the pre-game warm-up, turned his ankle or whatever it was, and there are some pending things going on off the field that will be resolved by people of a high authority and more knowledge than me. But for two years it was a Cinderella story."
-- Buccaneers head coach Jon Gruden, offering his unorthodox view of Cinderella stories
"We do have strict Buccaneer policies that we do abide by. The actions of Jerramy occurred before he was a Buccaneer. The case you brought up is a player before one of our games under our jurisdiction."
-- Allen, when asked why the Buccaneers were not punishing tight end Jerramy Stevens for his recent conviction for driving under the influence.
"He'll be subjective to the Substance Abuse Policy. Any appeals he has are once again between his lawyers and the courts of Arizona."
-- Allen, offering his subjective opinion
"The character of this team is outstanding. I know a lot of you have met these players, fans have met these players. The character of this team is excellent."
-- Allen (Pewter Report)
"Dude, it's everything. No, it's just football. We're just making sure that we're OK."
-- Seahawks running back Shaun Alexander, describing his mysterious wrist injury
"The weirdest thing."
-- Alexander, still describing the injury
"I would call it a boo-boo. That's what I use on my daughter."
"Boo-boos are good."
"A boo-boo with a boo-boo protector."
-- Alexander, describing the device he planned to wear to protect his wrist (Seattle Times)
"I'm not comfortable with some of the body language he's exhibiting."
-- Jaguars head coach Jack Del Rio, describing his discomfort with the body language of under-performing Jaguars wide receiver Matt Jones
"What I saw and the responses I get are for private consumption."
-- Del Rio
"When he enters a room, he has an infectious ability."
-- Del Rio, describing the "infectious abilities" of Jaguars safety Reggie Nelson, presumably in contrast to the non-infectious abilities of Jones
"Physically, he doesn't have to show all that rah-rah, that jumping up and bouncing off the walls. That doesn't impress me. It doesn't do anything for me."
-- Jaguars running back Fred Taylor, describing his physical expectations of Jones
"I'm getting what I need. I'm fine with that. As far as I'm concerned, he's mentally into the game. I don't know what he's doing with everybody else."
-- Taylor, describing his needs from Jones
"I have a certain way about me that I can approach guys without them feeling like I'm stepping on toes. I just try to use my past experiences to talk to them and let them know I'm not here to beat your butt."
"Let me look into your eyes. I can see your focus."
-- Taylor (Florida Times-Union)
"It's that cherry syrup that you can put into drinks. It's the greatest stuff ever made. Sprite. Tea. Orange juice and pineapple juice. I can drink it in anything."
-- Lions wide receiver Roy Williams, describing his obsession with grenadine
"I just got involved in orchestra and band when I was a kid. I was tall, so basically I was the only one who was tall enough to hold the bass in orchestra. So I played bass and picked up other instruments along the way. I taught myself on the piano. I was in band or orchestra right up to high school."
"They used to call me the 'Orch Dork.'"
-- Williams (Yahoo! Sports)
"Our passing game was basically embarrassing."
-- Raiders head coach Lane Kiffin, describing the performance of Raiders quarterback Josh McCown
"He has to be more accurate."
-- Kiffin, still talking about McCown
"I just feel [McCown] gives us a better chance to win right now. Will that be the case next Monday?"
-- Kiffin, who did not answer his own question
"I apologize to the fans, but I can't make decisions based on their reactions ... But I can't say if I were in their shoes and I had a guy [Culpepper] who's been to three Pro Bowls, I wouldn't be doing the same thing."
-- Kiffin (Inside Bay Area)
"I'm not going to try to explain it. That's our business."
-- Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis, refusing to answer questions about the Bengals' 51-45 loss to the Cleveland Browns (Lexington Herald-Leader)
"Here's the concern -- in our society now, so many things come up on Web sites and Internet."
-- Chiefs head coach Herm Edwards, reacting to the availability of a rap song purportedly sung by Larry Johnson -- and widely available on "Web sites and Internet" -- that was critical of the Chiefs general manager Carl Peterson and Priest Holmes
"First of all, I don't even have the Internet. I wouldn't even know how to use it."
-- Edwards, locking up TWIQ's "Quote of the Year" Award in September
"There are a lot of things that happen that people are subject to, and you never know where it comes from. For me to sit here and try to be Inspector Clouseau and figure out who did it ... I can't do that. I've got to beat Chicago. I can't worry about stuff like this."
"He [LJ] said whatever he had to say. He said, 'I'm not involved in it.' Why is it so hard for us anymore to believe somebody?"
-- Edwards (ESPN.com)
"She took half of everything I had. I should have never did that. Why are you laughing? I'm serious."
-- Chad Johnson, expressing regret over proposing to a Bengals' cheerleader last year
"Dude threw beer on me. I didn't like that. The beer was kind of cold and it messed up my uniform. The rest of the game I smelled real bad."
-- Johnson, describing the aromatic effects of leaping into Cleveland's Dawg Pound after scoring a touchdown last week
"No one ever jumped into the opposing team's stands. And actually, they embraced me except for that one person who was drunk."
-- Johnson (Seattle Times)
"No. 'We,' meaning the African-American quarterbacks. Now, when I say 'all of us as quarterbacks,' I say 'all of us as quarterbacks.' That's all. Am I not explaining it good for all of you, or what is it? You're all trying to find answers and I'm not giving you. I'm not understanding what you're saying."
-- Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, denying that it is hypocritical to refer to black quarterbacks as "we" while simultaneously criticizing the media for treating black quarterbacks differently from white quarterbacks. Or something like that. (ProFootballTalk.com)
"We're going to play some people, but Willie Parker is our feature runner and that's no secret. When he needs a blow, he's going to get a blow; when he doesn't, he won't."
-- Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin, describing his plans to run Willie Parker "until the wheels come off" (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)
"They did an outstanding job. I credit the New York Jets. Their defensive line and linebackers did a very, very effective job of illegally simulating the snap count."
-- Ravens head coach Brian Billick, accusing the Jets of a different sort of tomfoolery (Fox Sports)
"I guess I'm not that deep, strategy wise. You ever been kicked in the groin?"
-- Vikings head coach Brad Childress, when asked why Vikings quarterback Tarvaris Jackson didn't milk his groin injury to buy backup quarterback Brooks Bollinger more time during overtime of the Vikings-Lions game. The reporter who asked the question responded by asking "Who hasn't?" (Minneapolis St. Paul Pioneer Press)
"We don't need to make any dramastic changes."
-- New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning, denying that the Giants (0-2) need to make any dramatic -- or drastic -- changes (Newsday)
"I just definitely feel the hand of God. That's all it was. You can't explain it."
-- Lions quarterback Jon Kitna, describing God's medical intervention to cure his mild concussion (Yahoo! Sports)
"They just jumped on us like a spider monkey."
-- Chargers fullback Lorenzo Neal, evoking an interesting metaphor to describe the beat-down the Chargers suffered against the Patriots (Yahoo! Sports)
"Whether I'm out to dinner with Dallas Clark and Jeff Saturday, or lifting weights with Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne, there's always that moment, between sets of bench press or just sitting in the restaurant, when we make eye contact and know what we accomplished last year and how hard we worked to accomplish it."
-- Peyton Manning, describing the special moments (as quoted in "Stack" magazine and republished in the Indianapolis Star)
"Most of the cheerleaders are nice to me, but some of them aren't -- which is kind of a shame."
-- Christy Oglevee, former Redskinette and fiancÃ©e of Redskins tight end Chris Cooley (Washington Post)
"I don't see how it happens. I know we have the same first name, but Williams, Johnson. About 300-something pounds, 200-something pounds. Bald head, braids. But, you know, I guess it happens."
-- Vikings safety Tank Williams, reacting to Emmitt Smith's mistaking him with suspended defensive tackle Tank Johnson. Smith later called Williams to apologize. (Minneapolis St. Paul Pioneer Press)
Remember to send your quotes to quotes-at-footballoutsiders.com, like my man Alex A. and my mellow Rich C. did this week -- you two are the freaks of the quote industry.
65 comments, Last at 25 Sep 2007, 12:03pm by Podge