compiled by Ben Riley

BEST QUOTE THAT WILL MAKE EVERY NEW YORK GIANTS FAN SMILE THIS AFTERNOON

"If Tom Coughlin had not remained as head coach of the Giants, I might still be in a Giants uniform."

-- Tiki Barber, writing in his crappy book, Tiki: My Life in the Game and Beyond

BEST ILL-ADVISED MASCOT-BASED QUOTE FROM AN OWNER OF AN NFL FRANCHISE

"We're excited to announce 'Steely McBeam' as the name of our new team mascot!"

-- Steelers President Art Rooney II. McBeam disappeared around Week 4 of the regular season and now lives in San Francisco.

BEST LIST OF ALTERNATIVE MASCOT NAMES QUOTE FROM AN FO COMMENTER (WELL DONE, "THOK!")

"Packy McBox?
Viky McPillage?
Matey McLoot?
Niny McGold?
Chargy McInterest Rate?"

-- Thok

THE YEAR IN FRED TAYLOR

"It's a dog-eat-dog business. We're living in the belly of the beast, and sometimes that beast has to regurgitate itself."

-- Fred Taylor, reacting to the benching of Byron Leftwich

"Probably some ribs, some chicken."

-- Taylor, when asked what quarterback Quinn Gray would "bring to the table" for Jacksonville.

WORST PREDICTION BY TWIQ COMPILER BEN RILEY NESTLED WITHIN AN OTHERWISE UNREMARKABLE QUOTE

"For a home opener, we didn't do very well. We didn't play good at all. There's no explanation I can give you for it."

-- From "soon-to-be-fired" Browns head coach Romeo Crennel during Week 1 of the regular season. As everyone knows, the Browns narrowly missed the playoffs and Crennel recently signed a contract extension (after being wooed by Bill Parcells to take over the Dolphins). Oops.

BEST QUOTE FROM SOON-TO-BE-EX-BENGALS WIDE RECEIVER AND QUOTE MACHINE CHAD JOHNSON

"I've got my sex back."

-- Chad Johnson in the preseason, describing his return to his playful ways

BEST SUBTLE BURYING OF REX GROSSMAN QUOTE FROM A CHICAGO-AREA TEN-YEAR-OLD

"It's very easy to take snaps: Just open your hands and wait for the ball, and then you close your hands."

–- Chicago area fifth-grader Jimmy Smolik, age 10, providing some advice to Sexy Rexy

BEST NON-SUBTLE BURYING OF REX GROSSMAN QUOTE

"He told us that Rex was kind of a mental midget so you can get into his head and create that doubt."

–- Chargers linebacker Matt Wilhelm, describing how former Chicago defensive coordinator Ron Rivera described Grossman

BEST TRENT GREEN CINEMATIC ALLEGORY QUOTE

"I'm surprised this analogy hasn't come up yet. Can't you see Bill Belichick and Roger Goodell in the office having the conversation, and you picture Roger Goodell as Tom Cruise, and you picture Bill Belichick as Jack Nicholson. And they're sitting in the courtroom, and they're having this discussion, and all of a sudden Goodell is like, 'Did you order a code red?!? And Belichick is sitting there. And you know he's getting peeved because he's even in there, that [Goodell/Cruise] has the audacity to bring him in and question it. That's the analogy and kind of the visual that I have, is that eventually Belichick just kinda snapped and went, 'You're darn right I ordered a code red!'"

–- Trent Green

"I don't know, maybe I'm the only one that has that warped perception."

–- Green

BEST INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE FROM ONE OF THE TRIPLETS

"I wanted to stand in front of my boys and say, 'Do it like your dad, like any proud dad would want to. Why must I go through so much?' At that moment a voice came over me and said, 'Look up, get up, and don't ever give up. You tell everyone or anyone that has ever doubted, thought they did not measure up or wanted to quit, you tell them to look up, get up and don't ever give up.'"

-- Michael Irvin, during his NFL Hall of Fame acceptance speech

WORST INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE FROM ONE OF THE TRIPLETS

"That makes me feel like a real sissy."

-- Troy Aikman, reacting to seeing scantily clad women in Green Bay in January

MOST PRESCIENT NEW YORK GIANTS QUOTE, MALAPROP DIVISION

"We don't need to make any dramastic changes."

–- Eli Manning quoted in Newsday, after the Giants started 0-2

MOST PRESCIENT NEW YORK GIANTS QUOTE, TOTALLY STUPID DIVISION

"He has his team in the position right now, if they win today they could possibly go on to the Super Bowl, and make an appearance there.

-- Emmitt Smith on what a win in the NFC Championship game would mean for Eli Manning

BEST QUOTE AND HEADLINE COMBINATION SUBMITTED BY AN FO READER (THANKS GERRY D.!)

"People are throwing us underneath the radar."

–- Giants linebacker Antonio Pierce during the preseason. This quote prompted Gerry D. to ask, "Perhaps the radar is on the bus?"

THE YEAR IN ROY WILLIAMS

"He's real quiet ... he's a good athlete, he's big as hell, he's Megatron."

–- Lions wide receiver Roy Williams, describing his teammate Calvin Johnson

"I always try to find the little guy, but there wasn't a little guy. I wouldn't bring my little guy here, either."

–- Williams on Oakland's Black Hole

"I just got involved in orchestra and band when I was a kid. I was tall, so basically I was the only one who was tall enough to hold the bass in orchestra. So I played bass and picked up other instruments along the way. I taught myself on the piano. I was in band or orchestra right up to high school. They used to call me the 'Orch Dork.'"

-- Williams on being in the band

"It's that cherry syrup that you can put into drinks. It's the greatest stuff ever made. Sprite. Tea. Orange juice and pineapple juice. I can drink it in anything."

-- Williams on the magical elixir known as grenadine

"I'm good at everything we do. If we had a bowling champion, I'd be the bowling champ. If we had a cooking champ I'd be the cooking champ. I'm good at everything."

–- Williams on being the champ

"The pizza man knows when he comes to my address, he's coming for free. But I am real polite and I say, 'Thank you, sir."'

-- Williams on tipping

BEST QUOTE TO SUGGEST THAT THE RAMS MIGHT WANT TO BE THINKING ABOUT GETTING A NEW HEAD COACH

"Logic isn't always the answer for a number of reasons."

-- Scott Linehan, struggling to explain why he was continuing to play a clearly injured Marc Bulger during midseason

BEST QUOTE ON A TOPIC THAT GOT A LITTLE TOO MUCH AIRTIME THIS YEAR AND SINGLEHANDEDLY DESTROYED OUR COMMENT THREADS, HINT HINT

"When you lose a guy like me, you're going to do whatever it takes to get the edge to win."

–- 49ers linebacker (and former Patriot) Tully Banta-Cain, offering his explanation for the signal-taping scandal

BEST QUOTE TO REMIND YOU THAT NOT EVERYONE IN THE NFL LIVES THE LIFE OF TOM BRADY

"The day before I got called by the Seahawks, I got pooped on by a cow."

-- Seattle's long snapper, Jared Retkofsky, who had been working on a ranch in Texas prior to being signed

BEST QUOTE THAT WE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE PAID MORE ATTENTION TO AT THE TIME

"Coach [Bobby Petrino] didn't address anything with us. You guys probably know more than we know. You guys just talked to him. We don't know nothing. We're going to have to wait and read what y'all put out."

–- Falcons cornerback DeAngelo Hall, describing the team confusion after former head coach Bobby Petrino cut tackle Grady Jackson without warning

BEST BILL BELICHICK QUOTE THAT DID NOT RUN IN TWIQ (BUT SUBMITTED AS A COMMENT BY ALERT READER "ILLEGALLEAPING")

"The origin of it? I don't know. It's comfortable. I can carry my stuff in my pouch here, whatever I need."

-- Bill Belichick, when asked to describe the "origin" of his sweatshirt

THE YEAR IN HERM

"You drive by that Krispy Kreme, you see that sign that say 'Hot,' you pull your car in there and you get me a dozen glazed donuts and you make sure they are on my desk on Saturday morning. I don't care about anything else. And the sign gotta say ... and the sign gotta say ... gotta say 'Hot,' gotta' say 'Hot.'"

-- Herm Edwards, hazing Chiefs rookie wide receiver Dwayne Bowe in the preaseason

"What we've done well is we survived. We got into that (0-2) wreck again, but we had our seat belts on, and we got out of the car, took it to the auto shop, knocked out the dents, and we're starting to roll again."

-- Herm in Week 4, when the Chiefs sat at 2-2 and had just beaten the San Diego Chargers on the road. The Chiefs finished at 4-12.

"I go with my gut. Your gut always tells you what's right."

-- Herm. Perhaps this explains why the Chiefs finished 4-12.

"It would be nice if we could run the football."

-- Herm

"It's a bad box to be in, because eventually I'm going to run you out of here."

-– Herm, describing his "tolerance box"

"I'm a very patient man. But I'm also patient in the fact there are two sides of me. I'm patient with you, and then I put you in the tolerance category. When you get put in the tolerance category, I'll tolerate you until I can replace you."

-- Herm

"Be a pro, stay out of bad places where bad things happen."

-- Herm

"We have more three-and-outs than anybody in football. We have more negative plays than anybody in football. It's hard playing that way."

-- Herm

"There are a lot of things other teams are doing that we'd like to do."

-– Herm

"Would we like to do some different things? Sure. If I'm somebody else, then maybe I do it differently. But I know what I am right now."

-- Herm

"When you play the game, the players have to make plays."

–- Herm

"The coaches will take their share of the blame, but the players have a part of it, too. They get in the game, and they've got to go make plays."

–- Herm

"That's how you end up winning."

-- Herm

"People aren't used to this [i.e., losing] in Kansas City. Get over it, it happens, it's called life."

-- Herm

"Am I glad it's over? Yes, I'm glad it's over."

-- Herm, after the season ended

BEST QUOTE BY A KICKER

"I had the trifecta done on me."

–- Broncos punter Todd Sauerbrun, who had a punt returned by Devin Hester for a touchdown, a kickoff returned by Hester for a touchdown, and a punt blocked, all in one game

MOST PRESCIENT QUOTE FROM AN NFL AGENT THAT SOUNDED REALLY DUBIOUS DURING THE PRESEASON

"If he can be healthy, stay healthy, I think he's going to be a great teammate for everybody."

-- Tim DiPiero, Randy Moss's agent

LEAST PRESCIENT QUOTE FROM AN NFL HEAD COACH

"I'm going to be back."

–- Ex-Ravens head coach Brian Billick

BEST QUOTE ABOUT A NECK BEARD

"Certainly with the wind, it was cold, but I have a beard so that helps out a little bit. It's kind of warm in this area."

–- Bears quarterback Kyle Orton

BEST POST-SUPER BOWL QUOTE (RETIRED PLAYERS WHO ARE RELEVANT ONE DAY EACH YEAR DIVISION)

"... People now will get an idea that the only way you can go undefeated is to win every game."

-- Former Miami running back Mercury Morris, explaining the hidden secret of the 1972 Dolphins (San Francisco Chronicle)

THE YEAR IN HASSELBECK

"They told me I tweaked my oblique, which is awesome because I didn't know I had any obliques. It's good news, honestly. It's in there somewhere, so I am really happy about that. I'm going to go home and tell my wife."

-- Matt Hasselbeck

"I'm going as the Burger King Guy."

–- Hasselbeck, when asked about his Halloween costume

BEST UNHEEDED ADVICE FROM AN NFL OWNER TO HIS TAIL-CHASING QUARTERBACK

"I tell you this, Tony. Sometimes they can smell fresh cash."

-- Jerry Jones, warning Tony Romo about partying with Britney Spears. We all know how this one ended.

THE BILL WALSH MEMORIAL LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT QUOTE

"He knew me well before I knew myself."

-- Steve Young

QUOTE OF THE YEAR (NCAA EDITION)

"That's why I don't read the newspaper! Because it's GARBAGE! And the EDITOR who let it come out is GARBAGE! Attacking an amateur athlete for doing everything right! Are you KIDDING ME? Where are we at in society today? COME AFTER ME! I'M A MAN! I'M 40! I'M NOT A KID! Write something about ME!"

–- Oklahoma State head coach Mike Gundy

QUOTE OF THE YEAR (MISINTERPRETED BY THOSE WITH NO SENSE OF 'HUMOUR' EDITION)

"I couldn't find London on a map if they didn't have the names of the countries. I swear to God. I don't know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I learned that. I know (Washington Redskins linebacker) London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That's the closest thing I know to London. He's black, so I'm sure he's not from London. I'm sure that's a coincidental name."

-- Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder, who faced an absurd amount of undue criticism for this quote

QUOTE OF THE YEAR (ROY WILLIAMS EDITION)

"I am on my fantasy team. I think I'm gonna bench myself."

-- Roy Williams

QUOTE OF THE YEAR (NFL FAN EDITION)

"It's almost like the son I never had. Except that I do have a son."

–- Buffalo Bills superfan Ken Johnson, describing his bowling ball on Inside the NFL while his (human) son looked on.

HERM OF THE YEAR

"Here's the concern: In our society now, so many things come up on Web sites and Internet. First of all, I don't even have the Internet. I wouldn't even know how to use it."

-- Herm

AND THE WINNER FOR QUOTE OF THE YEAR IS ...

"Don't quit. Don't even quit."

-- Emmitt Smith

Posted by: Ben Riley on 07 Feb 2008

70 comments, Last at 28 Feb 2008, 11:53pm by the silent speaker