As actual NFL football returns to our lives, we have observations on good quarterback play in Dallas, bad quarterback play in Denver, the Olympics, baseball, taxes, and mermaids.
07 Feb 2008
compiled by Ben Riley
"If Tom Coughlin had not remained as head coach of the Giants, I might still be in a Giants uniform."
-- Tiki Barber, writing in his crappy book, Tiki: My Life in the Game and Beyond
"We're excited to announce 'Steely McBeam' as the name of our new team mascot!"
-- Steelers President Art Rooney II. McBeam disappeared around Week 4 of the regular season and now lives in San Francisco.
Chargy McInterest Rate?"
"It's a dog-eat-dog business. We're living in the belly of the beast, and sometimes that beast has to regurgitate itself."
-- Fred Taylor, reacting to the benching of Byron Leftwich
"Probably some ribs, some chicken."
-- Taylor, when asked what quarterback Quinn Gray would "bring to the table" for Jacksonville.
"For a home opener, we didn't do very well. We didn't play good at all. There's no explanation I can give you for it."
-- From "soon-to-be-fired" Browns head coach Romeo Crennel during Week 1 of the regular season. As everyone knows, the Browns narrowly missed the playoffs and Crennel recently signed a contract extension (after being wooed by Bill Parcells to take over the Dolphins). Oops.
"I've got my sex back."
-- Chad Johnson in the preseason, describing his return to his playful ways
"It's very easy to take snaps: Just open your hands and wait for the ball, and then you close your hands."
â€“- Chicago area fifth-grader Jimmy Smolik, age 10, providing some advice to Sexy Rexy
"He told us that Rex was kind of a mental midget so you can get into his head and create that doubt."
â€“- Chargers linebacker Matt Wilhelm, describing how former Chicago defensive coordinator Ron Rivera described Grossman
"I'm surprised this analogy hasn't come up yet. Can't you see Bill Belichick and Roger Goodell in the office having the conversation, and you picture Roger Goodell as Tom Cruise, and you picture Bill Belichick as Jack Nicholson. And they're sitting in the courtroom, and they're having this discussion, and all of a sudden Goodell is like, 'Did you order a code red?!? And Belichick is sitting there. And you know he's getting peeved because he's even in there, that [Goodell/Cruise] has the audacity to bring him in and question it. That's the analogy and kind of the visual that I have, is that eventually Belichick just kinda snapped and went, 'You're darn right I ordered a code red!'"
â€“- Trent Green
"I don't know, maybe I'm the only one that has that warped perception."
"I wanted to stand in front of my boys and say, 'Do it like your dad, like any proud dad would want to. Why must I go through so much?' At that moment a voice came over me and said, 'Look up, get up, and don't ever give up. You tell everyone or anyone that has ever doubted, thought they did not measure up or wanted to quit, you tell them to look up, get up and don't ever give up.'"
-- Michael Irvin, during his NFL Hall of Fame acceptance speech
"That makes me feel like a real sissy."
-- Troy Aikman, reacting to seeing scantily clad women in Green Bay in January
"We don't need to make any dramastic changes."
â€“- Eli Manning quoted in Newsday, after the Giants started 0-2
"He has his team in the position right now, if they win today they could possibly go on to the Super Bowl, and make an appearance there.
-- Emmitt Smith on what a win in the NFC Championship game would mean for Eli Manning
"People are throwing us underneath the radar."
â€“- Giants linebacker Antonio Pierce during the preseason. This quote prompted Gerry D. to ask, "Perhaps the radar is on the bus?"
"He's real quiet ... he's a good athlete, he's big as hell, he's Megatron."
â€“- Lions wide receiver Roy Williams, describing his teammate Calvin Johnson
"I always try to find the little guy, but there wasn't a little guy. I wouldn't bring my little guy here, either."
â€“- Williams on Oakland's Black Hole
"I just got involved in orchestra and band when I was a kid. I was tall, so basically I was the only one who was tall enough to hold the bass in orchestra. So I played bass and picked up other instruments along the way. I taught myself on the piano. I was in band or orchestra right up to high school. They used to call me the 'Orch Dork.'"
-- Williams on being in the band
"It's that cherry syrup that you can put into drinks. It's the greatest stuff ever made. Sprite. Tea. Orange juice and pineapple juice. I can drink it in anything."
-- Williams on the magical elixir known as grenadine
"I'm good at everything we do. If we had a bowling champion, I'd be the bowling champ. If we had a cooking champ I'd be the cooking champ. I'm good at everything."
â€“- Williams on being the champ
"The pizza man knows when he comes to my address, he's coming for free. But I am real polite and I say, 'Thank you, sir."'
-- Williams on tipping
"Logic isn't always the answer for a number of reasons."
-- Scott Linehan, struggling to explain why he was continuing to play a clearly injured Marc Bulger during midseason
"When you lose a guy like me, you're going to do whatever it takes to get the edge to win."
â€“- 49ers linebacker (and former Patriot) Tully Banta-Cain, offering his explanation for the signal-taping scandal
"The day before I got called by the Seahawks, I got pooped on by a cow."
-- Seattle's long snapper, Jared Retkofsky, who had been working on a ranch in Texas prior to being signed
"Coach [Bobby Petrino] didn't address anything with us. You guys probably know more than we know. You guys just talked to him. We don't know nothing. We're going to have to wait and read what y'all put out."
â€“- Falcons cornerback DeAngelo Hall, describing the team confusion after former head coach Bobby Petrino cut tackle Grady Jackson without warning
"The origin of it? I don't know. It's comfortable. I can carry my stuff in my pouch here, whatever I need."
-- Bill Belichick, when asked to describe the "origin" of his sweatshirt
"You drive by that Krispy Kreme, you see that sign that say 'Hot,' you pull your car in there and you get me a dozen glazed donuts and you make sure they are on my desk on Saturday morning. I don't care about anything else. And the sign gotta say ... and the sign gotta say ... gotta say 'Hot,' gotta' say 'Hot.'"
-- Herm Edwards, hazing Chiefs rookie wide receiver Dwayne Bowe in the preaseason
"What we've done well is we survived. We got into that (0-2) wreck again, but we had our seat belts on, and we got out of the car, took it to the auto shop, knocked out the dents, and we're starting to roll again."
-- Herm in Week 4, when the Chiefs sat at 2-2 and had just beaten the San Diego Chargers on the road. The Chiefs finished at 4-12.
"I go with my gut. Your gut always tells you what's right."
-- Herm. Perhaps this explains why the Chiefs finished 4-12.
"It would be nice if we could run the football."
"It's a bad box to be in, because eventually I'm going to run you out of here."
-â€“ Herm, describing his "tolerance box"
"I'm a very patient man. But I'm also patient in the fact there are two sides of me. I'm patient with you, and then I put you in the tolerance category. When you get put in the tolerance category, I'll tolerate you until I can replace you."
"Be a pro, stay out of bad places where bad things happen."
"We have more three-and-outs than anybody in football. We have more negative plays than anybody in football. It's hard playing that way."
"There are a lot of things other teams are doing that we'd like to do."
"Would we like to do some different things? Sure. If I'm somebody else, then maybe I do it differently. But I know what I am right now."
"When you play the game, the players have to make plays."
"The coaches will take their share of the blame, but the players have a part of it, too. They get in the game, and they've got to go make plays."
"That's how you end up winning."
"People aren't used to this [i.e., losing] in Kansas City. Get over it, it happens, it's called life."
"Am I glad it's over? Yes, I'm glad it's over."
-- Herm, after the season ended
"I had the trifecta done on me."
â€“- Broncos punter Todd Sauerbrun, who had a punt returned by Devin Hester for a touchdown, a kickoff returned by Hester for a touchdown, and a punt blocked, all in one game
"If he can be healthy, stay healthy, I think he's going to be a great teammate for everybody."
-- Tim DiPiero, Randy Moss's agent
"I'm going to be back."
â€“- Ex-Ravens head coach Brian Billick
"Certainly with the wind, it was cold, but I have a beard so that helps out a little bit. It's kind of warm in this area."
â€“- Bears quarterback Kyle Orton
"... People now will get an idea that the only way you can go undefeated is to win every game."
-- Former Miami running back Mercury Morris, explaining the hidden secret of the 1972 Dolphins (San Francisco Chronicle)
"They told me I tweaked my oblique, which is awesome because I didn't know I had any obliques. It's good news, honestly. It's in there somewhere, so I am really happy about that. I'm going to go home and tell my wife."
-- Matt Hasselbeck
"I'm going as the Burger King Guy."
â€“- Hasselbeck, when asked about his Halloween costume
"I tell you this, Tony. Sometimes they can smell fresh cash."
-- Jerry Jones, warning Tony Romo about partying with Britney Spears. We all know how this one ended.
"He knew me well before I knew myself."
-- Steve Young
"That's why I don't read the newspaper! Because it's GARBAGE! And the EDITOR who let it come out is GARBAGE! Attacking an amateur athlete for doing everything right! Are you KIDDING ME? Where are we at in society today? COME AFTER ME! I'M A MAN! I'M 40! I'M NOT A KID! Write something about ME!"
â€“- Oklahoma State head coach Mike Gundy
"I couldn't find London on a map if they didn't have the names of the countries. I swear to God. I don't know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I learned that. I know (Washington Redskins linebacker) London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That's the closest thing I know to London. He's black, so I'm sure he's not from London. I'm sure that's a coincidental name."
-- Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder, who faced an absurd amount of undue criticism for this quote
"I am on my fantasy team. I think I'm gonna bench myself."
-- Roy Williams
"It's almost like the son I never had. Except that I do have a son."
â€“- Buffalo Bills superfan Ken Johnson, describing his bowling ball on Inside the NFL while his (human) son looked on.
"Here's the concern: In our society now, so many things come up on Web sites and Internet. First of all, I don't even have the Internet. I wouldn't even know how to use it."
"Don't quit. Don't even quit."
-- Emmitt Smith
70 comments, Last at 28 Feb 2008, 11:53pm by the silent speaker