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» Audibles at the Line: Week 16

The FO crew takes on the top contenders as the playoff field rounds into shape. Plus: the great Drew Brees debate of 2014.

31 Aug 2009

The Month in Quotes: August 2009

compiled by Rory Hickey

O ROSENFELS, ROSENFELS, WHEREFORE ART THOU ROSENFELS?

"I think [my return is] great for football. I can't see how you wouldn't think it would be."
-- Vikings quarterback He Who Shall Not Be Named discussing his "return" to the NFL

"If you're a true Packer fan, you understand."
-- Voldemort (EveryJoe.com)

DOING SIT-UPS IN HIS DRIVEWAY IS THE NEXT LOGICAL STEP

"I need some catches. If I'm out there running routes, I've got to get some catches."
-- Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb on lining up at wide receiver during the Eagles' preseason game

"You've seen some of the divas at the wide receiver position. I've got to get some catches. I mean, I'm open. A couple of times I was down the sideline, [Michael Vick] didn't even look my way. I'm just putting that out for the record. Throw me the ball."
-- McNabb channeling his inner Keyshawn Johnson (The Huddle)

SURE BART, AND YOU LED THE LINEBACKING CORPS TOO?

"[Rex Ryan] was the head coach of [the Ravens] last year, whether you guys know it or not. He kept that team together. The defense leads that team over there, and he controls the defense."
-- Jets linebacker and ex-Raven Bart Scott on last year's Ravens coaching situation (The Huddle)

"We don't have any rear-view mirrors in our car."
-- Ravens head coach Jim Harbaugh citing what the Ravens have in common with a Ford Pinto (Baltimore Sun)

ESTA SEMANA EN CHAD OCHOCINCO

"Esteban Ochocinco is back. The most interesting footballer in the world. Everyone has to remember, I've always said that soccer is my No. 1 sport. I think Ronaldinho would be proud of me right now."
-- Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco after kicking an extra point and a kickoff in a preseason game (Cincinnati.com)

"I lost your number so I have no other choice but to tweet, need help in the following department, can't take on the NFL without help"
-- Ochocinco, in a tweet to Oprah (Twitter)

"Final Destination is fuc^#%^ng awesome, Must see, I give it two legs up including my 3rd leg, wink :)"
-- Ochocinco doing his best Ebert and Roeper impression (Twitter)

"It's about protection. They'll catch everything your Johnson shoots."
-- Ochocinco on his plan to launch Ochocinco Condoms
(Hard Knocks)

A NEW MEANING TO THE TERM GUNSLINGER

"I don't think anyone on this team knows what schism means, let alone use it in a sentence form. At first I thought schism was an STD, and I was like WOAH we practice abstinence here!"
-- Vikings defensive end Jared Allen reacting to an ESPN story that there was a 'schism' in the Vikings' locker room about Sir Wrangler. For the record, schism means division (The Big Lead)

ROB DEER NODS GLOOMILY

"It's a little bit like a Home Run Derby in baseball."
-- Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, on punters attempting to hit the video board at new Cowboys' stadium.

"In the All Star Game you have players get up and hit the ball for home runs. And they don't swing like that in regular competition. If they did, they'd probably strike out most of the time."
-- Jones (SportsRadioInterviews.com)

DOES THIS INCLUDE THE DOUBLE STUF RACING LEAGUE AS WELL?

"You certainly get a little emotional ... Actually, I'll tell you what I have to do now: usually we'll play at 1:00 and the Giants are playing at 4:00, but on occasions where the Giants are playing the early game and maybe I'll have a night game, I'll truly get to see Eli's entire game in the hotel on the road. I found myself standing on top of the bed, yelling at one of his receivers or one of his linemen. I find myself, I go, 'Peyton, what are you doing? Why are you screaming at the TV? You have a game here in two hours.'"
-- Colts quarterback Peyton Manning on watching his brother Eli's games.

"No! Absolutely not! It's never the quarterback's fault, we all know that. So, I'm defending Eli, I'm getting mad at anybody and so I find myself now where I've had to stop watching the game so much. I watch some, watch a rerun of Stripes on another channel and flash back to some Giants highlights."
-- Manning, in response to whether anything was ever Eli's fault (SportsRadioInterviews.com)

RECHE CALDWELL KNOWS THE FEELING

"You saw his eyes get big and he was jumping around in the pocket. We gave him a lot of looks and disguises, and we confused him a little bit."
-- Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis on Jets rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez' preseason performance (New York Post)

ESPECIALLY IN BROWNS GAMES

"[Drops are] just part of football."
-- Browns wide receiver Braylon Edwards on dropped passes

"I can catch 1,000 passes on the JUGS machine, but at the end of the day it's not a game, it's not Brady [Quinn] throwing the ball, it's not Derek [Anderson], it's not a DB covering me. That's just muscle memory. The ball doesn't actually come out like that. That's just like guys who work hard with tennis balls. You're not catching tennis balls. Just being focused is really the only thing you can do. Approach every game like you do a practice ... The practices are harder than the games are. If we can play like we do in practice, we'd go 16-0. Don't quote me on that."
-- Edwards (Cleveland.com)

ALBERT ONLY KNOWS GISELE BECAUSE SHE COOKS

"I mean, it wasn't like I was hitting Gisele or something; he's the quarterback. It was good, it was fine."
-- Redskins defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth, discussing his hit on Tom Brady (D.C. Sports Bog)

RULE NUMBER 1: NO TOUCHING OF THE HAIR OR FACE ... AND THAT'S IT!

"I like an awful lot of guys over at that network but when you get petty and mock me, or you're make fun of me ... don't do that with me ... if you're going to say something, just say something you'd be willing to say to me. The way I go about life, if you're not willing to say it behind a 7-Eleven with someone, don't say it say it ... it's just sports, they just take it so seriously."
-- FOX Sports insider Jay Glazer on ESPN (The Big Lead)

IN THAT YOU WERE ONCE ELITE BUT NOW ARE A SHELL OF YOUR FORMER SELF?

"The way I look at it is I've played 10 good years, and I've done everything a running back can do. I want to help. I think I want to be like Ginobili now -- I want to come off the bench. I'm the new Manu Ginobili! How about that?"
-- Seahawks running back Edgerrin James on his new role (The Huddle)

AT LEAST HE DIDN'T CITE A STATISTIC

"It's just you know what, I come every week, in good faith, but there's a point in time I just get a little tired of the same old BS. So there's times I want to find out if they can handle it coming back. Because it's one thing to ask questions of people all the time, it's another one to have to answer them. You know, so I just want to let them know, if they want to throw stuff, just to be ready to catch."
-- Redskins defensive coordinator Greg Blache belittling CSN Live host Trevor Matich when asked about how his defensive line played (Fanhouse)

SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH THE CUCUMBER MELON

"I got a chance to return punts last night but I forgot about it until game time. I always put some real thick Japanese Cherry Blossom lotion on my arms because it keeps me warm and loose during games. I do it before every game but I forgot that I was returning punts on Thursday. I caught the punt perfectly, but as soon as I tucked it away I felt it start to slip. Then someone hit me from behind and it just slipped out."
-- Cardinals defensive back Antrel Rolle explaining why he fumbled a punt and revealing to America the cold, smooth truth about Japanese Cherry Blossom lotion (Antrel Rolle Official Site)

CHRIS, YOU'RE WEARING SHORT SHORTS. IT'S MONDAY. THAT'S AGAINST THE RULES, YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US

"He does not like short shorts; I was directly made aware of that. But it's not like he's a jerk about it. He'll just talk to you."
-- Redskins tight end Chris Cooley on Jim Zorn's opinion of short shorts (Washingtonian.com)

ADD THE CURSE OF DENDROCHRONOLOGY TO THE CURSE OF 370

"Have you seen his legs? They look like tree trunks. I would never want to tackle that guy."
-- Falcons wide receiver Roddy White on Michael Turner's legs (Atlanta Journal-Constitution)

THE COWBOYS' NEW VIDEO BOARD HAS A 0 AWARENESS RATING

"I opened up the Madden today, and I'm pretty [mad] about that game. They've got me at an 86 speed, 87 hands and like 84 overall or something like that."
-- Cowboys wide receiver Roy Williams, joining fellow receiver T.J. Houshmandzedah in complaining about his Madden rating

"I can't be mad because I didn't have a good year last year. They go off that year, but geez Louise, 86 speed? That's like tight end speed, like I'm a slowpoke."
-- Williams. This makes him the first wide receiver to care about how he is perceived in NFL history (Houston Chronicle)

WISHFUL THINKING PERHAPS?

"BETTIS"
-- Name on the back of Redskins running back Ladell Betts's jersey during a preseason game

"Actually, I do like Jerome Bettis, but I don't prefer to have his name on my back. I wasn't upset or anything. I think the equipment people felt bad, but I wasn't mad at them."
-- Bettis ... err, Betts (D.C. Sports Bog)

DO YOU REALLY LOVE SACKS OR ARE YOU JUST SAYING IT BECAUSE YOU GET THEM?

"Sacks. Love 'em. Not even sacks, just hitting quarterbacks and watching them not complete the [pass]. And watching them get up real slow. I mean, I love it. I love it."
-- Redskins defensive lineman Brian Orakpo on hitting quarterbacks (Reiss's Pieces)

BILL PARCELLS WILL TURN THOSE TWO THINGS INTO A HOUSE

"Maybe a pack of Chiclets and an old fingernail clipper."
-- Chiefs offensive lineman Ikechuku Ndukwe on what Kansas City gave up to acquire him (Boston.com)

'STOP BEING SO MODEST' -- LARRY FITZGERALD SR.

"At the end of the day all I really do is catch a football. I'm not saving any lives. I'm not changing anything. I'm just catching a ball."
-- Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald on not being a prima donna like other receivers (SportsRadioInterviews.com)

Posted by: Rory Hickey on 31 Aug 2009

44 comments, Last at 02 Sep 2009, 3:06pm by Displaced Cane

Comments

1
by Joe T. :: Mon, 08/31/2009 - 2:58pm

"I don't think anyone on this team knows what schism means, let alone use it in a sentence form."

I think schism is an SAT word, which we all would have taken prior to applying to...oh never mind.

2
by Temo :: Mon, 08/31/2009 - 3:04pm

At some point, Donovan McNabb needs to realize that he's just not that funny.

4
by tuluse :: Mon, 08/31/2009 - 3:38pm

Yeah but there is something oddly appealing watching him continue to try despite continuing to fail.

8
by Bowl Game Anomaly :: Mon, 08/31/2009 - 4:11pm

I thought it was funny.

11
by chemical burn :: Mon, 08/31/2009 - 5:18pm

Temo, your status as a Cowboys fan disqualifies from having opinions on the Eagles' QB. Also, that quote was pretty funny. Not as funny as Tony Romo fumbling a field goal hold or Dallas losing 44-6 or anything... but funny.

15
by Temo :: Mon, 08/31/2009 - 6:48pm

Well, I'll give him this... at least McNabb was funnier than the time-honored "Remember when your player did an oops!" and "Remember when your team lost to mine" jokes.

In general, athletes are much less funny than fans give them credit for, especially fans of the player's team. For a similar example on the Cowboys, take Martellus Bennett. He's about 1/8 as funny as most Cowboys fans say he is and about 1/2 as funny as your general fan claims he is.

McNabb's humor is so generic and forced; however, thanks to most Eagles' fans and media cynicism, I'd say he's only 1/4 and 1/3 respectively. Then again, I suppose comedy can be a subjective experience to an extent, so your mileage will vary. But I'm still right.

Most of the best humor in sports seems to come from laughing AT athletes rather than with them (see: Chad Ocho Cinco). It's the rare athlete that can actually tell a funny joke and have people laugh accordingly.

16
by chemical burn :: Mon, 08/31/2009 - 6:51pm

Yeah, maybe I should just stay out of it - I think Martellus Bennett is pretty funny, too. You're making feel like maybe I just an awful sense of humor... What's the verdict on Chris Cooley? Do we have any kind of consensus on the funniest player in the NFL?

18
by Temo :: Mon, 08/31/2009 - 7:27pm

I never said you, I said fans in general. It's like how certain girls in high school always thought jocks were funny. Fans are the girls in high school, we think all of our favorite players are much funnier than they actually are.

Besides, just take a look at Bennett's twitter on any day, then look at some of the comedians out there that have twitters they use for jokes. Then tell me if he's funny or not. I think Simmons wrote something about this that made sense, ranking different athletes on a "Athlete Funny" scale.

(By the way, I say all this was an admittedly bad sense of humor myself, I'll acknowledge)

35
by Nathan :: Tue, 09/01/2009 - 7:47pm

Bill Simmons had a good rating system for "Athlete Funny" recently. And for the record, I totally agree with him about Philip Rivers, no matter how good he gets he's still known as "Philip Quivers" around these parts which always makes me chuckle for some reason.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/090717

14
by HostileGospel :: Mon, 08/31/2009 - 6:38pm

You try being the Eagles starting QB for a decade and retaining anything remotely like a sense of humor. I'm still amazed that he shows up to press conferences and doesn't shout "FUCK YOOOUUUU" and throw microphones at reporters.

And is it just me, or is this one of the best TWIQ's ever? Maybe it's just offseason hangover or something, but I laughed quite a bit.
--
Overall, I'd be kind of embarrassed to critique something when I didn't know what the hell I was talking about, but then, oh yeah, my NAME is on what I write, isn't it?

-Les Bowen

34
by Dunbar (not verified) :: Tue, 09/01/2009 - 6:15pm

Agreed on both points--that it's surprising that McNabb hasn't gone on a press conference rampage yet and that this was a particularly fine month in quotes.

3
by buzzorhowl (not verified) :: Mon, 08/31/2009 - 3:26pm

Hey, for the record, I know that a lot of people don't know this, but "wherefore" actually means "why," not "where."

http://mw1.meriam-webster.com/dictionary/wherefore

So yeah, if you were trying to say "where are you, Sage Rosenfels" up there, you should probably know that that's not actually what you said.

5
by Rory Hickey :: Mon, 08/31/2009 - 3:41pm

It's actually a reference to Romeo and Juliet.

http://www.enotes.com/shakespeare-quotes/o-romeo-romeo-wherefore-art-tho...

Note how Romeo and Rosenfels both have the same first syllable and have three total syllables.

"You play to win the game" - Herm

7
by Temo :: Mon, 08/31/2009 - 4:00pm

Wherefore clearly makes more sense than "Where" here. We all know where Mr. Rosenfels is, he's floundering deep in the Vikings' depth chart.

The real question is much like Juliet questioning Romeo's existence as Romeo. IE, since Romeo is, well, Romeo, he is a Montague and hence much more trouble than if he were anyone else. Since Juliet would presumably be attracted to Romeo regardless of his name or stature (obviously an assertion that deserves its own investigation, but whatever), she asks why he must be a Montague and thus off-limits.

Similarly, we ask not where Sage Rosenfels is physically, but why he must be named Sage Rosenfels. We make the implicit assertion that Rosenfels is the superior QB, but denied the opportunity to start simply because he is Sage Rosenfels and not Brett Favre.

10
by PatsFan :: Mon, 08/31/2009 - 5:08pm

FO: come for the football, get literary analysis :)

12
by andrew :: Mon, 08/31/2009 - 5:37pm

I just wish the Vikings had a backup quarterback named "Guildencrantz"

13
by dbostedo :: Mon, 08/31/2009 - 5:52pm

Or perhaps one named Tybalt, and the real internal dueling could start...

17
by Temo :: Mon, 08/31/2009 - 7:16pm

Rosenfels and Guildenjackson? With Favre playing the very appropriate role of the ever indecisive Hamlet?

I suppose, though I prefer Rosenfels as Romeo, Favre as Paris, Adrian Peterson as Mercutio (a curse on both your houses, get me a real qb!), Childress as Lord Capulet, and the Vikings' season as Juliet.

22
by justanothersteve :: Mon, 08/31/2009 - 11:28pm

To retire or not to retire. That is the question. Whether it is nobler on the field to suffer the sacks and pick-sixes of outraged defenders or use my arm against a sea of Pack fans, and by using offend them.

23
by Purds :: Tue, 09/01/2009 - 12:18am

To retire, to rest;
No more, and by a rest to say we end
The arm-ache and the thousand natural crack-back blocks
that wildcat formations are err to. Tis a consummation
Deanna must have wished.

24
by Eddo :: Tue, 09/01/2009 - 12:27am

I love this site.

25
by BD (not verified) :: Tue, 09/01/2009 - 1:53am

Probably the finest commentary I've seen. All it needs is Raiderjoe in iambic pentameter....

27
by andrew :: Tue, 09/01/2009 - 10:01am

To complete this, at some point Wilf must decide to cut Favre, and have Rosenfels deliver the written instructions for this Childress. Favre reads the message and crosses out his name and put Rosenfels (and Jackson's) names on the list...

40
by Strange/David (not verified) :: Wed, 09/02/2009 - 10:17am

I imagine raiderjoe in iambic pentameter to be something like:

teh raiders are th bst they cant B beat
jamarcus rusel throw like 90 feet
al davis and tom cable kick yr @ss
mcfaden run & blcok & cach a pass

41
by Tri Shanku (not verified) :: Wed, 09/02/2009 - 12:36pm

Not only the best TWIQ in some time (thanks partially to Lord Voldemort Wrangler) but also the best thread in Shakespearean football, ever.

42
by tuluse :: Wed, 09/02/2009 - 12:45pm

That's reasonably good, but Raiderjoe doesn't use aimspeak.

29
by Mike B. In Va :: Tue, 09/01/2009 - 12:44pm

Wow. I sit here in awe.

30
by coboney :: Tue, 09/01/2009 - 2:53pm

Beautiful work both of you!

28
by Temo :: Tue, 09/01/2009 - 11:05am

I love how you used "outraged" instead of "outrageous" and "Pack" instead of "Packer", to keep the syllables in order. Nice touch.

31
by nat :: Tue, 09/01/2009 - 3:53pm

Yes, his footwork is impressive.

33
by Temo :: Tue, 09/01/2009 - 4:36pm

Would have been better if you'd left it unlinked. Puns are only fun if not everyone gets them.

36
by mikegillnz :: Tue, 09/01/2009 - 9:26pm

That line always annoyed me - I feel it should be 'Romeo...wherefor art thou Montague' rather than Romeo. I mean, its not like his first name's the issue here as far as Juliet's concerned.

43
by TomC :: Wed, 09/02/2009 - 2:25pm

Agreed. Stupid Shakespeare.

6
by dryheat :: Mon, 08/31/2009 - 3:46pm

First time I've ever read Trevor Matich's name in a sentence that didn't also have Jerry Rice's.

9
by panthersnbraves :: Mon, 08/31/2009 - 4:45pm

ANy reason Chad 8-5 couldn't become a kicker one day? Assuming his ego could handle it, that is. Acknowledging that he had finally lost a step.

19
by DH (not verified) :: Mon, 08/31/2009 - 7:35pm

Any chance of getting "the guitarist for the Dwarves" in the mix when discussing the Vikings' QB situation?

21
by TheRealDeal (not verified) :: Mon, 08/31/2009 - 9:50pm

I may be the only one who got that. Well done.

20
by Turtle&JamieLynn4Ever (not verified) :: Mon, 08/31/2009 - 8:35pm

ENTOURAGE REFERENCE FTW. TOTALLY STOKED BRO.

26
by good stuff ~ (not verified) :: Tue, 09/01/2009 - 8:04am

The man whose name should not be mentioned,
whom will never go gently into that good night.

RAGE RAGE AGAINST THE DIEING OF THE LIGHT

32
by Temo :: Tue, 09/01/2009 - 4:35pm

ouch dude. *dying

37
by Raiderjoe :: Tue, 09/01/2009 - 9:51pm

if Chad Ocohcinco really get condom deal any of you going to buy some? Might get them just to try on and see hoe feel. But knowing Chad Ocothcinco probably condoms good for a whiel and then fail in end. Compant that makes them probably crappy one compared to Trojan or Lifstyle.

38
by I am excellent at making love (not verified) :: Wed, 09/02/2009 - 1:15am

Raiderjoe, you never let us down. For that, a thousand thank yous.

39
by JoeD (not verified) :: Wed, 09/02/2009 - 1:26am

...try on and see hoe feel... The best unintentional pun yet.

44
by Displaced Cane :: Wed, 09/02/2009 - 3:06pm

Great TMIQ, and the tidbit about Peyton watching "Stripes" made my day. He kinda reminds me of Russell Zisky....