compiled by Rory Hickey

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, REX ISN'T HOME

"Hey, this is Rex Ryan, the head coach of the New York Jets. I just wanted to let you know how much we need you this week. You know, I've already admitted that, hey, the Patriots have a better head coach and they've got a better quarterback than us. But we're going to see who's got a better team. Again, I admit that I'm not as good as Belichick, but at the end of the game, I want to be 1-0 against him. So, help me out if you don't mind. That's my challenge, OK? Thank you. Bye."
-- Voicemail left by Jets coach Rex Ryan to Jets' season ticket-holders (AP)

REX RYAN ... YOU ARE RIDICULOUS

"I think it's ridiculous, personally."
-- Ryan on the Jets' possible tampering in regards to Michael Crabtree (ESPN)

IT HAPPENED.

"We will hit him more than six times. I promise you that."
-- Jets defensive back Kerry Rhodes on how often the Jets planned to hit Tom Brady on Sunday (ESPN)

ILLEGAL CONTACT MUCH?

"I just covered him. If he went to the bathroom, I went too. I covered him any way I could. When he went to the sideline, when our offense was on and he sat down, I sat right across from him wherever he was sitting on the bench."
-- Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis on covering Randy Moss (Boston Globe)

RANDY: TROY BROWN OF THE FUTURE

"All week, he's talking about he's a shutdown corner. There's really no shutdown corner in the league because they have help for most of the game. I mean, I probably could play corner if I had [Brandon] Meriweather over the top for the whole game. I think I could be a shutdown corner."
-- Patriots wide receiver Randy Moss dismissing Darrelle Revis' claim that he is a shutdown corner (Boston Herald)

THEY OUT ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGED US

"Give the Jets credit ... they outplayed us, out-coached us, played better than we did for 60 minutes. That's the story of the game. We had our chances, but we didn't finish them."
-- Patriots coach Bill Belichick on why the Jets defeated the Patriots in Week 2 (Boston Globe)

MAYBE A SPORK?

"Stick a fork in them. They're done."
-- FOX analyst Jimmy Johnson on the Arizona Cardinals before their thrashing of the Jacksonville Jaguars (The Huddle)

WHICH ONE OF YOUR SELFS WILL YOU TEST?

"I will go in there and test myself against any 20 year old. I know there will be naysayers and I'm fine with that. I want to prove to people who sit on a couch and don't do anything but criticize other people that, if you're a true athlete or martial artist, you're not old until you can't get up and walk around anymore. MMA fighters are said to be some of the best athletes in the world, my plan at the age of 47 is to show the world I am still one of the best athletes as well."
-- Herschel Walker on signing with Strikeforce (Fanhouse)

DID YOU STEAL LEODIS MCKELVIN'S JEWLERY?

"I don't want to talk about it. That's the way my career has been and I'll let you figure that out."
-- Eagles defensive back Sheldon Brown on wearing a Jason mask during pregame introductions (Shutdown Corner)

WHAT DOES TEDDY ROOSEVELT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

"Dallas just found out they had a T.R. problem not a T.O problem !!"
-- A "re-tweet" posted by Bills wide receiver Terrell Owens, presumably in reference to Tony Romo (Twitter)

THERE'S NO JOKE TO BE MADE

"It was out of love. Steve would do it for me. He pretty much did it for me when I was growing up. I have a history with the boys and I want to do anything I can. I am their big brother."
-- Titans quarterback Vince Young on taking Steve McNair's kids to a father-son breakfast (Shutdown Corner)

WHAT DO BRIDGET AND HOLLY THINK?

"This is a great opportunity for Hank to be playing for the Colts. Peyton Manning is one of the best -- if not the best -- quarterbacks in the league, and I'm excited to see my baby kick some ass! So proud of Hank for staying strong and positive."
-- Former playmate Kendra Wilkinson on spouse Hank Baskett signing with the Colts (People)

SUPERMAN WEARS Tim Tebow PAJAMAS

"Star power is incredible, and Tebow is an iconic figure. That's very compelling. He clearly is an outstanding football player and would be an asset to any football organization."
-- Jaguars owner Wayne Weaver on the possibility of the team drafting Tim Tebow next year. We are two weeks into the season. (AP)

WHY WOULD I SWITCH SPOTS WITH YOU IF I HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE?

"All you fake half-hearted Skins fan can ... I won't go there but I dislike you very strongly, don't come to Fed Ex to boo dim wits!! No I didn't play but I still made more than you in a year and you'd [gladly] switch spots with me in a second, I was talking to the fans [who] said the crazy stuff, I'm use [to] heckling but I've never been booed in my own stadium. Again that was for the half-hearted but if everyone wants to jump in come on.
-- Redskins defensive end Robert Henson on Redskin fans following them booing during the team's 9-7 win versus the Rams

"The question is who are you to say you know what's best for the team and you work 9 to 5 at McDonalds. You don't wanna follow me anymore then fine but we play for you and win lose or draw we represent you!! My guy on the Rams said they never got booed even when they didn't win a game. We made mistakes out there but we fought through them tooth and nail."
-- Henson (D.C. Sports Bog)

... I THINK HE CREATED THE MUPPETS?

"Who the hell is Robert Henson. First of all, I'll talk for the fans. Get on the field, Robert Henson. Make a play and make sure someone know who the hell you are. You can write on Twitter about me, but you know what, these fans pay your salary. They can boo you if they want to boo you, and when you don't play great, and when you're sitting at home watching the game, you damn sure can't get mad at the fans."
-- Former Redskins return man Brian Mitchell eviscerating Robert Henson (The Huddle)

I DON'T WANT TO BE THE ONE THAT TELLS HIM THAT EVERYBODY GET ONE

"A roster bonus! I blocked 600 lbs last wk -- I better get a roster bonus."
-- Giants offensive lineman Rich Seubert after opening his paycheck in the locker room (Twitter)

THIS WEEK IN RODNEY HARRISON

"He's the biggest idiot I've ever see in the National Football League. I would have to put Ryan Leaf and him as the two biggest idiots that ever played in the NFL ... How could you turn down close to $20 million guaranteed?"
-- NBC analyst Rodney Harrison on Michael Crabtree (The Huddle)

"Everywhere he goes, he craps on everybody. He goes to Green Bay and he leaves them with a bunch of noise. He goes to the Jets, they give him a bunch of money ... he plays bad and he craps on them."
-- Harrison on Brett Favre (Dan Patrick Blog)

EVERY SUPER BOWL CHAMPION'S DEFENSE IN HISTORY HAS BEEN OUT OF HAND IN WEEK 2 SO IT'S FINE

"It's already out of hand."
-- Buccaneers coach Raheem Morris on the team's defensive woes (JoeBucsFan.com)

BUT ... THEY'RE AMERICA'S TEAM ....

"I hate the Cowboys straight up. It's beginning to be a personal thing. And it's been like that since I was a kid. I've been wishing bad things on them for a long time. I was a hateful little kid. Everyone loves them, so I had to hate them."
-- Giants running back Brandon Jacobs's thoughts on the Cowboys

"It's a beautiful place. It was nice of Jerry to invite us down here. But he better be careful what he asks for next time. Last year, [Jerry Jones] said he wanted to play us on Broadway, and then he got his ass beat. They got whooped 35-14 on Broadway."
-- Jacobs's thoughts on the Cowboys new stadium (NFL Nation Blog)

MAYBE THEY DIDN'T HAVE THEIR EARS ON DURING THE GAME

"I told the team we're 0-2 and you need to turn your ears off because you're not going to like what you hear."
-- Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio on what he said to his team (Jaguars.com)

TAYLOR SWIFT IS SILENTLY WEEPS

"Yo Tech, I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish but Texas has the best team of all time."
-- A Kanye West inspired sign at College Gameday (The Big Lead)

A-TRACK! DISCO! PAGERS!

"You know, everything won't be right in the scheme of things in college football until Notre Dame gets back and Michigan gets back and all the powers that used to be get back to where they were."
-- ABC analyst Bob Griese on the state of college football (Deseret News)

I THINK THAT GUY ON BIG LOVE HAS MORE THAN 54 WIVES

"FSU MUST PLAY THE GAME OF THEIR LIVES SCORE MORE POINTS THAN MORMONS HAVE WIVES"
-- A sign before Florida State University played Brigham Young University (The Big Lead)

BUT ADAM SCHEFTER CAN'T BE ON ESPN 24 HOURS A DAY

"Who knows, it could be one of the shortest tenures ever."
-- Newly signed ESPN analyst Derrick Brooks (Sports Radio Interviews)

WILL SMITH IS MORE EMBARRASSED BY THIS THAN HE IS OF HIS RAP CAREER

"Clemson can get cute, but between the tackles they're getting jiggy with it just bulldozing"
-- ACC broadcaster Doc Walker (Awful Announcing)

DAN SNYDER IS LOOKING TO VOID CAMPBELL'S CONTRACT

"Jason wore a light gray suit and everybody else wore dark colored suits, so we've got to retake it on Wednesday. He knew what suit we had to wear, he knew what color, but he just wore his gray suit. It's all good though, we'll redo it. He can get away with anything. That's the starting quarterback of the Washington Redskins, c'mon now, you know how it goes."
-- Redskins running back Rock Cartwright on Jason Campbell wearing a light colored suit to the captains' photoshoot (Washington Redskins Blog)

THIS IS WHAT THE UNEDITED VERSION OF AUDIBLES LOOKS LIKE

"Before I say what I'm about to say, I've been a Skins' fan longer than you have been alive. I'm pissed right now. I saw a bunch of SOFT, OVER-PAID, B**** MADE MUTHAF***AS on Sunday play against the G-Men. Yes, I'm talking about the whole entire Skins Team. First, the defense got their a**es handed to. Again, the d-line looked like s*** most of the game (Haynesworth is soft and not worth that large contract) and the secondary couldn't stop d***. Landry is always late with the help, he needs to shut the f*** up and learn how to play. Sure, he is a hard hitter but he sucks a d*** at saftey. D-Hall is the softest b**** on the team, next to Portis. He looked like a high school CB out there among men on Sunday. Shouldn't have let Springs go for this sorry a** b****. Smoot is straight up the worst CB in the league. The only thing he could cover is a d*** with them big a** l**s......LOL. Offense looked like s*** but what else is new. You bamas can't seem to do s***. Moss, is NOT a number 1 receiver. If he was on any other team he would be a number 2, maybe even a number 3 receiver. Portis had that one good run to start the game and didn't see s*** after that. Oh, wait a minute, the camara caught him s*****g your d*** on the sidelines..... Damn, we need some new players cause you guys are not getting s*** done and I can't believe management keeps bringing the same soft s** b****es back every year thinking this year will be different. YOU GUYS f****** SUCK.... just a bunch of b****es out there not caring if they lose cause they know dumb a** is going to pay them and then over pay again when they are free agents......YOU B****ES NEED TO START PLAYING WITH SOME HEART, PASSION, AND LOVE FOR THE GAME instead out there collecting paychecks. The only team I see out there with some heart are the cheerleaders. TELL BIG SOFT A** ALBERT HAYNESWORTH TO GIVE BACK HIS PAYCHECK THIS WEEK BECAUSE HE DIDN'T EARN IT.....MATTER OF FACT ALL YOU B****ES SHOULD RETURN YOUR PAYCHECKS CAUSE NONE OF YOU EARNED IT."
-- An e-mail from a fan named Joseph posted by Chris Cooley on his blog. I thank God every day that Chris Cooley exists. (The Official Blog of Chris Cooley)

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Posted by: Rory Hickey on 22 Sep 2009

39 comments, Last at 24 Sep 2009, 11:20pm by dudeman