compiled by Rivers McCown

THEY ALSO STRUGGLE AGAINST SNEASEL

"I don’t know what it was, but there is ways to handle things and there is ways to not handle things. I don’t know…they are a good football team. No doubt about that. They don’t do very good when they get beat up I guess." -- Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher, on the Detroit Lions (Sports Radio Interviews)

BUT NOW THAT MY CAREER IS TAKING ON WATER, THIS IS A NICE FIT

"It was too pretty, too much water, too much sun here, and I’d just bought a big nice boat, a good fast boat, and I really felt like if I came here I’d mix my time in with football and boating." -- Buccaneers defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth, on how he should have picked Tampa Bay in free agency (The Tampa Tribune)

I CALL MYSELF A DOCTOR, BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME A DOCTOR. THESE FANCY CLOTHES DO!

"I’m better than everybody. Everybody. Period. Point blank. I just haven’t had the recognition, man. I’m more versatile than everybody. Period. Pont blank. I’m more versatile than everybody. Hands down. I can do it all." -- Dolphins linebacker Karlos Dansby (Miami Herald)

I'M A SHAAAAARK!

"Thirty-seven points on the best defense in the league, s--- my d---." -- Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, to his son after beating the Jets (New York Post)

AFTER YOU'RE FIRED, THEY'LL HIRE JACK THOMPSON

"This video game is that important? We'll see how important it is on Saturday. I said, in about a week or so, you're going to be throwing that video game away. But we let a video game take control of us. And young people, there are so many factors they're dealing with. They listen to so many outside influences and that can not happen. Within a program, the focus has to be there, the preparation has to be there." -- Louisville coach Charlie Strong, on how the release of Call of Duty distracted his team (CardinalSports.com)

YES, ALL OF OUR SCOUTING REPORTS ARE FROM 2010

"Yeah, if you have Michael Vick and Chris Johnson at running back, yeah, it can work. Those are probably the two fastest guys that can get out on the edge." -- Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis, on if an NFL team can succeed running the option (New York Daily News)

WELL, THE ORANGE SHOES WAS ABOUT DEALING WITH POVERTY

"After that I've heard that they are going to call delay of game and maybe kick me out of the game." -- Bears wideout Earl Bennett, on being fined repeatedly for wearing orange shoes (NFL.com )

DON'T WORRY, TROY AIKMAN IS WORKING ON ELIMINATING HIM

"I just think it just goes to the point that you can’t take a whole lot of what those people say too personally because they’re shock experts on ESPN and NFL Network. A lot of them are just going for the shock value of what they’re saying, as is typified by that guy on ESPN, I don’t want to even say his name. He works for First Take." -- Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers, on his contempt for Skip Bayless (ESPN Milwaukee)

SHOULD HAVE ASKED HIM YOUR SAVED QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW HE COMPARES TO STEVE SPURRIER

"You just couldn't let it go, could you, Shannon? Alright, thank ya." -- Illinois head coach Ron Zook, leaving the stage after getting a question about his future (Dr. Saturday)

RUNS THROUGH READS AS IF THEY WERE CHOPPED AND SCREWED

"Let me tell you something: My man is really good in this offense. You know what I mean? If we were trying to run a regular offense, he'd be screwed." -- Broncos head coach John Fox, on the Tim Tebow offense (NFL.com)

PLUS, CAN YOU BELIEVE EITHER SIDE HAD THE GALL TO WEAR THAT UNIFORM TO SCHOOL?

"At this point, it’s not like two sides of the cafeteria — this side is buying in, this side is not. People are keeping it to themselves. No one knows who is going to go [transfer], who is going to stay, who is feeling which way." -- Maryland kicker Nick Ferrara, on the locker room dissension in the Randy Edsall regime (The Washington Post)

HUH, THEIR STATEMENTS ARE JUST AS FOCUS-GROUPED AS THEIR SONGS

"We are honored to perform at the United Way halftime show on Thanksgiving Day. We always love playing in Detroit, our fans there have been tremendously supportive of us through the years and we can't wait to come back and celebrate an exciting day for the Lions and the city of Detroit." -- Nickelback lead singer Chad Kroeger, on an online petition that garnered thousands of signatures to keep his band from singing at halftime (The Detroit News)

ON THE OTHER HAND, HE DOES HAVE EXPERIENCE COACHING COLLEGE-LEVEL TALENT

"I've gotten about 20 or 25 e-mails from people in that regard. I passed that on to Peyton. He said, 'Just tell them that I'm 0-10 as an assistant for Indianapolis.'" -- Retired quarterback Archie Manning, on the possibility of Peyton Manning coaching Ole Miss (Memphis Commercial Appeal)

SAVING UP TO BUY SOME SHARES OF UHF

"My grooming habits have nothing to do with the performance of our team. That’s my own obsession, compulsive disorder, whatever they call it. You don’t get to see me when I’m picking up pennies and how I do it and what pocket I put them in." -- Chiefs head coach Todd Haley, on his lucky beard (Kansas City Star)

WE'RE ALL GETTING REALLY TIRED OF JOE FLACCO DOING THAT FRENCHMAN'S WAVE

"Which of the following QBs do you think is 'elitist'?" -- CBS pregame show poll question (Shutdown Corner)

I SUPPOSE YOU WANT US TO ANALYZE THIS STATEMENT

"All week long, they talked about attacking. They hear what’s being said. They know. This was a big game, and they were out to prove a point. It was like, manage this." -- 49ers quarterback Alex Smith, on managing the 49ers to another win against the Giants (Yahoo!)

THREE BIG BAGS OF TRASH!

"That’s the maturing process that you’re seeing. Great defenses, if you’re ever out there with them, it sounds almost like a stock market. Guys are saying, ‘This guy’s up! This guy’s up! The tight’s split! Tight’s split! Closed split! Closed split.’ And you have the linebackers saying, ‘The back’s far, the back’s near.’ That’s great defenses. That’s what happens. And then the secondary’s talking about ‘Cut split! This guy’s split!’ Well, first few weeks it was like a morgue out there. I mean, come on, talk!" -- Michigan defensive coordinator Greg Mattison, on his unit's rise this season (MGO Blog)

HE WASN'T SAYING YOU WERE BENCHED, HE WAS JUST LOOKING FOR A BENCH TO COLLAPSE AT AFTER WORKING THOSE 20-HOUR DAYS

"Honestly, I’ve never seen coach [Andy] Reid do anything like that. I’ve never seen him bench anybody for missing a meeting." -- Eagles wideout DeSean Jackson, on his suspension last Sunday (NFL.com)

WON'T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE MEDIA NARRATIVE?

"I like winning, but I wish it wasn’t quite that stressful." -- Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow, defying his clutchy instincts (New York Times)

If you see a quote that you think should be in the next TWIQ, send it via email to quotes-at-footballoutsiders.com or via Twitter to @FO_RiversMcCown

Posted by: Rivers McCown on 18 Nov 2011

31 comments, Last at 22 Nov 2011, 8:02pm by Intropy