compiled by Rivers McCown

JAWS IS JUST OUT HERE, SHOOTIN' THE CHAD

"That's one Chad [Henne] would love to have back. He knew he had the one-on-one matchup going down the right sideline. ****, you have to get rid of this ball just a split-second quicker." -- ESPN Analyst Ron Jaworski, live on Monday Night Football (On TV, submitted by many)

IF YOU WERE WONDERING, THIS MAKES TYLER THIGPEN THE WHITE RANDALL CUNNINGHAM

"Yeah the white Vick," -- Dolphins receiver Brandon Marshall, referring to Chad Henne (South Florida Sun-Sentinel)

KERRY COLLINS CAN SING! CAN'T YOU JUST LOVE HIM FOR WHO HE IS?

"Oh my God. This is what's wrong with today! The young ladies today! They're not learning from mom! How to cook? We're losing recipes!" -- NFL Analyst Michael Irvin, on the Colts not having a young backup for Peyton Manning ... we think? (Sports Grid)

I THINK THAT MY WORDS COULD GET TWISTED, SO I BEND MY BACK OVER, TAKE A GULP, BE FUNNY CAUSE I KNOW THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO

"Wake up! If you're just waking up now -- I don't know when this was, six minutes ago? -- get out your bed and get to the stadium and watch some film if you still think it's amazing. If you're in it and you know what you're doing and you execute out there, you don't think it's amazing. You know why? Because it's what you're supposed to do." -- ESPN analyst Tedy Bruschi, on the awe of Patriots receiver Chad Ochocinco (ESPN Boston)

OPEN UP YOUR PURSES FOR THE BOYS WHO REIMBURSE US

"Big (right guard Jahri) Evans, he was like in a root-hog pig stance, and I didn’t think they were passing. The guy was basically like three centimeters off the ground. I just tried to get low and knock him back enough." -- Packers defensive tackle B.J. Raji, on Green Bay's goal-line stand to win their season opener against New Orleans (Sports Grid)

LOOK WHO'S TALKING NOW

"You can get hurt from an illegal chop block, but I guess it isn't an illegal chop block if they don't call it," -- Steelers defensive tackle Casey Hampton, alleging that the Ravens chop blocked several times against the Steelers (Pittsburgh Tribune-Review)

GOOD PLAN, I'M GOING TO SUE APPLE OVER ITUNES' TERMS AND CONDITIIONS

"Because I heard all the details. But the entire piece? I’m not going to read that." -- Redskins owner Daniel Snyder, on why he didn't fully read the Washington City Paper piece about him before suing for defamation (New York Times)

THAT'S LIKE SMASHING ELVIS COSTELLO'S GLASSES

"During the opening game of the 2011 WVU football season, one of the ESPN cameras showed a young man wearing a blue t-shirt with 'West F##### Virginia' on the chest. Based on the TV rating of the game, this picture was seen by at least a few million people around the country. I think you would agree with me that this is not the image of our University and our state that we want to promote." -- West Virginia athletic director Oliver Luck, in an open press release (MSN Sports)

"WHY DIDN'T YOU MOON ANYBODY AT LAMBEAU THURSDAY?"

"If anyone has questions for Randy Moss. He's available." -- Saints coach Sean Payton, on receiver Montez Billings, after rumors flared up that the Saints were chasing Randy Moss following Marques Colston's injury (Twitter)

AND THUS, THE THIRD SEQUEL TO HOMEWARD BOUND WAS GHOSTWRITTEN AROUND THOSE VERY LINES

"So I told our players, I tried to let it out the front door—'MEEEOOOW!'—the cat's still goin' crazy in there. And I told our players: you need to be more like a dog! We don't need a bunch of cats in here—'meeeooow!'—lookin' in the mirror. 'I look gooooood, I got my extra bands on, I got my other shoes'—Be a dog! We don't need no meows, we don't need no cats. We need more dogs." --Coastal Carolina head coach Steve Bennett, on ... something? (YouTube, transcript from Deadspin)

THEN THROW MIKE MCCARTHY IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM, WHICH WILL HEREAFTER BE REFERRED TO AS "THE BRIG"

"Everybody plays this game because they want to play. I’m not selfish. I understand we’ve got a lot of weapons, so I’m not saying I want the ball every play. But I think I deserve to be on the field more than I was." -- Packers wide receiver James Jones, on his low snap count against the Saints (Green Bay Press-Gazette)

AFTER ALL, IT WAS SLIGHTLY EASIER THAN BEATING SUPER GHOULS 'N GHOSTS

"The whole thing about ghosts and demons and monkeys, that stuff is not real to us. This was a football game." -- Ravens head coach John Harbaugh, on finally beating the Steelers (Sports Illustrated)

OH, THE OLD GRAY MARE, SHE AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE, AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE, AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE

"This team is getting a hungry man right now." -- New Browns punter Brad Maynard, who had been cut by the Texans and Bears recently (Twitter)

TAWMY IS OFFENDED YOU'D EVEN THINK THAT HE WOULDN'T BE "LUBED UP" FOR THIS ONE

"Start drinking early. Get nice and rowdy. It's a 4:15 game. There is lots of time to get lubed up." -- Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, before a team media relations director shrewdly clarified that he meant for fans to "stay hydrated" (The Boston Channel)

WELL, THE BAY AREA DOES HAVE A GOOD HISTORY WITH QUAKES

"Watched the tape on Ray and we all felt that here's a guy that's just about ready to explode onto the scene. It's kind of like there have been some tremors, some earthquake tremors have been reported and sighted on the Richter scale and here's a guy that the big one could be coming." -- 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh, on 49er's defensive end Ray McDonald (Niners Nation)

I'M SORRY, BUT UNLESS HE PLAYS QUARTERBACK, WE AREN'T INTERESTED IN CREATING A CHOKING STORYLINE FOR HIM

"You saw what happened in the fourth quarter. We had wide receivers that couldn't finish the game. Come on! Jeez! The first quarter was spectacular. Great job, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. But now we need you in the fourth quarter and you can't even run? You catch three passes in the first quarter and then you get targeted five times after that and you don't make any catches?" -- Ex-Cowboys receiver Drew Pearson, on current Cowboys wideout Dez Bryant (The Dallas Morning News)

IS THIS GUY A SHARK OR WHAT? BUT SERIOUSLY, WE STINK OUT LOUD

"I think the whole New York is overhyped. Him personally, he's a good player, Pro Bowl player, I'm trying to make it to the Pro Bowl, too. This'll be a good game to put some notches on our belts too. It's the New York Times vs. the Jacksonville paper. New York Times they got a lot more viewers than you got." -- Jaguars wide receiver Jason Hill, on Darrelle Revis (Florida Times-Union)

ODDLY APPROPRIATE SONG FOR BEING WITHOUT MANNING AS WELL

"I need to be able to relax to play. Dealing with Peyton [Manning], you’ve got to be able to relax. I need to calm my nerves, be ready for Peyton." -- Colts running back Joseph Addai, on why he listens to "No Woman, No Cry" before hitting the football field (ESPN AFC South)

AT LEAST YOU CAN ALWAYS FALL BACK ON YOUR DEGREE IN ... COMMUNICATIONS?!?

"A lot of us majored in eligibility" -- Ex-Buccaneers defensive tackle Warren Sapp, on the over-complication of the game as it relates to Chad Ochocinco (Sports Grid)

If you see a quote that you think should be in the next TWIQ, send it via email to quotes-at-footballoutsiders.com or via Twitter to @FO_RiversMcCown

Posted by: Rivers McCown on 16 Sep 2011

20 comments, Last at 19 Sep 2011, 6:14pm by greenOak