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16 Sep 2011

The Week In Quotes: September 16, 2011

compiled by Rivers McCown

JAWS IS JUST OUT HERE, SHOOTIN' THE CHAD

"That's one Chad [Henne] would love to have back. He knew he had the one-on-one matchup going down the right sideline. ****, you have to get rid of this ball just a split-second quicker." -- ESPN Analyst Ron Jaworski, live on Monday Night Football (On TV, submitted by many)

IF YOU WERE WONDERING, THIS MAKES TYLER THIGPEN THE WHITE RANDALL CUNNINGHAM

"Yeah the white Vick," -- Dolphins receiver Brandon Marshall, referring to Chad Henne (South Florida Sun-Sentinel)

KERRY COLLINS CAN SING! CAN'T YOU JUST LOVE HIM FOR WHO HE IS?

"Oh my God. This is what's wrong with today! The young ladies today! They're not learning from mom! How to cook? We're losing recipes!" -- NFL Analyst Michael Irvin, on the Colts not having a young backup for Peyton Manning ... we think? (Sports Grid)

I THINK THAT MY WORDS COULD GET TWISTED, SO I BEND MY BACK OVER, TAKE A GULP, BE FUNNY CAUSE I KNOW THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO

"Wake up! If you're just waking up now -- I don't know when this was, six minutes ago? -- get out your bed and get to the stadium and watch some film if you still think it's amazing. If you're in it and you know what you're doing and you execute out there, you don't think it's amazing. You know why? Because it's what you're supposed to do." -- ESPN analyst Tedy Bruschi, on the awe of Patriots receiver Chad Ochocinco (ESPN Boston)

OPEN UP YOUR PURSES FOR THE BOYS WHO REIMBURSE US

"Big (right guard Jahri) Evans, he was like in a root-hog pig stance, and I didn’t think they were passing. The guy was basically like three centimeters off the ground. I just tried to get low and knock him back enough." -- Packers defensive tackle B.J. Raji, on Green Bay's goal-line stand to win their season opener against New Orleans (Sports Grid)

LOOK WHO'S TALKING NOW

"You can get hurt from an illegal chop block, but I guess it isn't an illegal chop block if they don't call it," -- Steelers defensive tackle Casey Hampton, alleging that the Ravens chop blocked several times against the Steelers (Pittsburgh Tribune-Review)

GOOD PLAN, I'M GOING TO SUE APPLE OVER ITUNES' TERMS AND CONDITIIONS

"Because I heard all the details. But the entire piece? I’m not going to read that." -- Redskins owner Daniel Snyder, on why he didn't fully read the Washington City Paper piece about him before suing for defamation (New York Times)

THAT'S LIKE SMASHING ELVIS COSTELLO'S GLASSES

"During the opening game of the 2011 WVU football season, one of the ESPN cameras showed a young man wearing a blue t-shirt with 'West F##### Virginia' on the chest. Based on the TV rating of the game, this picture was seen by at least a few million people around the country. I think you would agree with me that this is not the image of our University and our state that we want to promote." -- West Virginia athletic director Oliver Luck, in an open press release (MSN Sports)

"WHY DIDN'T YOU MOON ANYBODY AT LAMBEAU THURSDAY?"

"If anyone has questions for Randy Moss. He's available." -- Saints coach Sean Payton, on receiver Montez Billings, after rumors flared up that the Saints were chasing Randy Moss following Marques Colston's injury (Twitter)

AND THUS, THE THIRD SEQUEL TO HOMEWARD BOUND WAS GHOSTWRITTEN AROUND THOSE VERY LINES

"So I told our players, I tried to let it out the front door—'MEEEOOOW!'—the cat's still goin' crazy in there. And I told our players: you need to be more like a dog! We don't need a bunch of cats in here—'meeeooow!'—lookin' in the mirror. 'I look gooooood, I got my extra bands on, I got my other shoes'—Be a dog! We don't need no meows, we don't need no cats. We need more dogs." --Coastal Carolina head coach Steve Bennett, on ... something? (YouTube, transcript from Deadspin)

THEN THROW MIKE MCCARTHY IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM, WHICH WILL HEREAFTER BE REFERRED TO AS "THE BRIG"

"Everybody plays this game because they want to play. I’m not selfish. I understand we’ve got a lot of weapons, so I’m not saying I want the ball every play. But I think I deserve to be on the field more than I was." -- Packers wide receiver James Jones, on his low snap count against the Saints (Green Bay Press-Gazette)

AFTER ALL, IT WAS SLIGHTLY EASIER THAN BEATING SUPER GHOULS 'N GHOSTS

"The whole thing about ghosts and demons and monkeys, that stuff is not real to us. This was a football game." -- Ravens head coach John Harbaugh, on finally beating the Steelers (Sports Illustrated)

OH, THE OLD GRAY MARE, SHE AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE, AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE, AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE

"This team is getting a hungry man right now." -- New Browns punter Brad Maynard, who had been cut by the Texans and Bears recently (Twitter)

TAWMY IS OFFENDED YOU'D EVEN THINK THAT HE WOULDN'T BE "LUBED UP" FOR THIS ONE

"Start drinking early. Get nice and rowdy. It's a 4:15 game. There is lots of time to get lubed up." -- Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, before a team media relations director shrewdly clarified that he meant for fans to "stay hydrated" (The Boston Channel)

WELL, THE BAY AREA DOES HAVE A GOOD HISTORY WITH QUAKES

"Watched the tape on Ray and we all felt that here's a guy that's just about ready to explode onto the scene. It's kind of like there have been some tremors, some earthquake tremors have been reported and sighted on the Richter scale and here's a guy that the big one could be coming." -- 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh, on 49er's defensive end Ray McDonald (Niners Nation)

I'M SORRY, BUT UNLESS HE PLAYS QUARTERBACK, WE AREN'T INTERESTED IN CREATING A CHOKING STORYLINE FOR HIM

"You saw what happened in the fourth quarter. We had wide receivers that couldn't finish the game. Come on! Jeez! The first quarter was spectacular. Great job, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. But now we need you in the fourth quarter and you can't even run? You catch three passes in the first quarter and then you get targeted five times after that and you don't make any catches?" -- Ex-Cowboys receiver Drew Pearson, on current Cowboys wideout Dez Bryant (The Dallas Morning News)

IS THIS GUY A SHARK OR WHAT? BUT SERIOUSLY, WE STINK OUT LOUD

"I think the whole New York is overhyped. Him personally, he's a good player, Pro Bowl player, I'm trying to make it to the Pro Bowl, too. This'll be a good game to put some notches on our belts too. It's the New York Times vs. the Jacksonville paper. New York Times they got a lot more viewers than you got." -- Jaguars wide receiver Jason Hill, on Darrelle Revis (Florida Times-Union)

ODDLY APPROPRIATE SONG FOR BEING WITHOUT MANNING AS WELL

"I need to be able to relax to play. Dealing with Peyton [Manning], you’ve got to be able to relax. I need to calm my nerves, be ready for Peyton." -- Colts running back Joseph Addai, on why he listens to "No Woman, No Cry" before hitting the football field (ESPN AFC South)

AT LEAST YOU CAN ALWAYS FALL BACK ON YOUR DEGREE IN ... COMMUNICATIONS?!?

"A lot of us majored in eligibility" -- Ex-Buccaneers defensive tackle Warren Sapp, on the over-complication of the game as it relates to Chad Ochocinco (Sports Grid)

If you see a quote that you think should be in the next TWIQ, send it via email to quotes-at-footballoutsiders.com or via Twitter to @FO_RiversMcCown

Posted by: Rivers McCown on 16 Sep 2011

20 comments, Last at 19 Sep 2011, 6:14pm by greenOak

Comments

1
by jsmith2 :: Fri, 09/16/2011 - 11:10am

I have no love for the MNF crew, but when I first heard Jaws say that I had to run the DVR back. Yep... Maybe one of the funniest things to come out of that booth since "There are a lot of Johnsons on the field..."

2
by Keith(1) (not verified) :: Fri, 09/16/2011 - 11:31am

I usually have no idea what is going on in TWIQ, and this week is no exception. Maybe because I never listen to the commentary, nor do I watch the press conferences...

14
by Cro-Mags (not verified) :: Fri, 09/16/2011 - 4:55pm

Yeah, I need more context for that Irvin one.

3
by apk3000 :: Fri, 09/16/2011 - 11:32am

Isn't that Maynard quote Beck on not being named Redskins starter?

9
by Rivers McCown :: Fri, 09/16/2011 - 12:39pm

Fixed. Botched copy/paste job.

4
by MCS :: Fri, 09/16/2011 - 11:51am

I don't think I've ever seen root-hogs and the metric system mentioned together before.

We live in amazing times.

11
by Aaron Brooks Go... :: Fri, 09/16/2011 - 2:18pm

It's amazing how much the Drug War has taught our children about the metric system.

5
by Temo :: Fri, 09/16/2011 - 11:59am

I dunno, the Irvin thing makes perfect sense in context. (Much like young (people) who don't learn how to cook mom's recipes, the Colts never had a capable backup who was learning to execute the offense like Peyton Manning and had to import Kerry Collins at the last second, who has no idea what kind of offense Manning would have run, forcing the Receivers to adapt).

I mean, Matt Cassell isn't a very good QB, but he was able to run the offense more or less in the same fashion as Brady if not the same quality, which is something a good organization should have.

13
by justanothersteve :: Fri, 09/16/2011 - 4:54pm

I agree. I also can't figure out that after Sorgi left, they should have used a late draft pick each year on a QB in the hopes that one would be better than Curtis Painter (a low draft pick who didn't turn out). While it's unlikely they'd have gotten a Tom Brady, they might have gotten a Matt Hasselbeck or Cassel.

16
by sesentaynueve (not verified) :: Sat, 09/17/2011 - 9:29am

I wonder how much having $55m tied up in 6 players has to do with that.

6
by Harris :: Fri, 09/16/2011 - 12:15pm

Tedi Bruschi: Living proof that a lifetime of smashing your head into things is poor preparation for a career of talking in public.

Hail Hydra!

17
by Bryan and Vinny Show (not verified) :: Sat, 09/17/2011 - 12:36pm

He's just trying to fit in with all of the other blockheaded ex-jock shouters on ESPN. I haven't watched, has he grown his goatee yet?

7
by Bobby Wommack (not verified) :: Fri, 09/16/2011 - 12:21pm

Michael Irvin has always been kinda nuts, but I don't know what's happened to him. He's on another level now on NFL Network. Seriously. He's flipped his lid multiple times already. He's beyond crazy now.

Between him and Warren Sapp, I don't know if I can stand watching NFLN on Sunday's anymore.

12
by Aaron Brooks Go... :: Fri, 09/16/2011 - 2:38pm

I can't imagine what might have suddenly gotten into a known crack dealer...

8
by Neil (not verified) :: Fri, 09/16/2011 - 12:24pm

Love the Futurama references!

10
by Theo :: Fri, 09/16/2011 - 1:42pm

It kinda loses the impact when you're sensoring what Jaws said.
Was it the S-word? The F-word?
[edit]
The first.

15
by Theo :: Fri, 09/16/2011 - 10:18pm

The United States Geological Survey says that the chances of a quake of at least 6.7 on the Richter scale hitting San Fran in the next 30 years sits at a cozy 99 percent.

Read more:
http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/03/16/us-japan-quake-california-idUS...

19
by Aaron Brooks Go... :: Mon, 09/19/2011 - 10:12am

Is that a surprise? They've had two 7+ quakes in the last century.

18
by buzzorhowl (not verified) :: Sun, 09/18/2011 - 2:37pm

Feed em to the lions, Linden.

20
by greenOak (not verified) :: Mon, 09/19/2011 - 6:14pm

I hope Steve Bennett doesn't ever have to play Michael Vick.