compiled by Rivers McCown

REACHINGBALL

"When you get two people in their mid-20s that are married and have wonderful wives, they're kind of like me because I think they were able to over-marry." -- Jaguars GM Gene Smith on how their respective wives played a role in the signings of Laurent Robinson and Chad Henne (Wall Street Journal)

"He’s the player in that round at your pick that you feel can upgrade your football team. I think that’s an easy decision for me, to get a starter in the third round." -- Smith on spending a third-round pick on California punter Bryan Anger (ESPN AFC South Blog)

MERLIN HAS A PHONE! EVERYBODY! MERLIN HAS A PHONE!! BURN HIM! BURN HIM!

"The infrastructure needed on campus is significant. That's a factor. That's just one example of the intricacies that are part of this." -- BCS Executive director Bill Hancock, on possible discussions to put playoff games on campus (CBS Sports)

HARD TO NEGOTIATE WITH A MAN WHO CAN CHANGE TENSES THAT FAST

"When I’m on the football field, I’m giving you everything. Do the Ravens know that? Yes they do. Did Ozzie know that Ed Reed was going to be playing against the Pittsburgh Steelers regardless of negotiating his contract? Yes he did. Did Ed Reed get the respect that he deserves? No he did not. Am I gonna get it? Probably won’t. Hopefully he do. If I don’t, then, hey man, I’m alright with me." -- Ravens safety Ed Reed, on his lack of monetary respect from the front office (Ravens.com)

NOT COMPLETELY TRUE, THEY DO SAVE SOME OF THEM FOR NEW MEXICO STATE

"I don’t know. I sort of always liked playing them that second game because you could always count on them having two or three key players suspended." -- South Carolina head coach Steve Spurrier, on playing Georgia later in the season (ESPN SEC Blog)

HALLOW VACUUM CHECK THE OXYGEN TANKS

"'Early retirement' sounds wonderful. It certainly did that cold night in Pittsburgh. I was going to use my time to conquer the world. Boy, was I wrong. Now I find myself in music chat rooms arguing the validity of Frank Zappa versus the Mars Volta. (If the others only knew Walkingpnumonia was the screen name for a former All-Pro football player and not some Oberlin College student trying to find his place in the world.)" -- Former Broncos and Jets tackle Trevor Pryce, on the life of a bored retired athlete. (New York Times)

SWAGGER, COINCIDENTALLY, IS ALSO THE NAME OF THE LSU OFFENSIVE PLAYBOOK

"I'm not bitter. I'm glad he stayed there. I really mean it. Here's the truth: If you don't have some swagger to you and you can step into this stadium and be able to know the advantage that you're playing with the Tigers and you're leading the program that has some real weight and clout, then you really need to stay home with your brothers." -- LSU coach Les Miles, on top quarterback recruit Gunner Kiel's decision to go to Notre Dame. Again. (CBS Sports)

I THINK I'M A DOCTOR, BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME A DOCTOR! THESE FANCY CLOTHES DO!

"I came to the Combine for football, and I didn't see any football questions on the test. So I didn't finish it. That test doesn't tell me who I am." -- New Cowboys cornerback Morris Claiborne, on his poor Wonderlic score. (Sports Illustrated)

RUFF? YOU'VE BEEN PITCHING THAT ALL MORNING!

"I thought we had a lot more precision in skell, then came down here and it's like [Leach pants and looks around like an excited puppy]." -- Washington State head coach Mike Leach, on his receivers' performance in spring practice (CougCenter)

WELL, AT LEAST YOU WEREN'T COACHED BY THE CLEMSON DEFENSIVE STAFF

"I know y’all heard I’m a one-trick pony, but the crazy thing is I got 23 sacks in two years and I’ve never been coached on any of that –- that’s all athletic ability. If I get a little coaching in me, just imagine what I can do." -- New Seahawks defensive end Bruce Irvin, on his ability to improve in the pros (The News Tribune)

SO THE PLAYERS ARE TIN MEN, AND THIS ANALOGY IS PLAYING THE ROLE OF STRAWMAN SCARECROW

"I would be discouraged at myself if the first part didn’t happen. It’s far from perfect now. Let me just say we don’t have a bunch of tin soldiers that everything is perfect. I’ve already had to get on them about this class, starting to drowse off and things like that. I get all those reports, and they’re all addressed. ... But I’m looking at a direct correlation, if we can get (academic performance) fixed, then we can get (football performance) fixed." -- Kansas head coach Charlie Weis, on improving the Jayhawks (KUSports.com)

THIS IS THE WORST KIND OF DISCRIMINATION: THE KIND AGAINST ME

"Let's not pretend they're making it safer for everybody. It's safer for offensive players. I mean, a wide receiver or tight end can still motion from the outside in on a pass play and just absolutely blindside a defensive end across the formation. We can still hit running backs pretty much any which way we want." -- Vikings defensive end Jared Allen, on the NFL's emphasis on player safety (Sports Radio Interview)

"One thing I’d get rid of is the penalties, certain penalties. I can do without them. You have a guy that’s making $30 million a year, but you can’t touch him. C’mon, let’s be for real now. Me as a defensive lineman, it’s OK for somebody to hold me up, and another guy to come and chop my legs, and I can’t protect myself. I can do without that. That’s probably the main thing. Being able to hit a quarterback good. We need that. We need that back right there. But you hurt the franchise of your team if you’re allowed to tee off on the quarterback. Cuz you know, quarterbacks are wimpy." -- Patriots defensive tackle Vince Wilfork, on the problems of being a defender (Pro Football Talk)

"THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS." -- WOODY ALLEN

"The simplest response I have is: I’m sorry. These two words seem very inadequate. But that is my heart." -- Former Arkansas head coach Bobby Petrino, on being fired for carrying on and lying about an affair (ArkansasSports360.com)

STRIP CLUBS ARE FOR SUCKERS -- JANORIS PREFERS THE REAL THING

"I mean, no, because I never shot up a strip club or nothing like that," -- New Rams cornerback Janoris Jenkins, on comparisons to Adam "PacMan" Jones (Pro Football Talk)

THE MONTH IN TEBOW

"It’s a business decision. I ain’t going to say I was sad because the only thing they remember is that pass. You gotta go back and look at the rest of the games. I wasn’t getting no balls and you had to make some of these plays where some players were open and he is not making the throws, but I don’t want to talk bad about Tim, but hey I am happy we got Peyton." -- Broncos wideout Demaryius Thomas, on if he was sad about the loss of Tim Tebow (Sports Radio Interviews)

"We were NOT saying, 'Tebow is a better football player than Allen.' We are suggesting that Tebow has more star power. He has more than lived up to the hype that was built around him in college. His Heisman buzz has carried over into everything he has done in the NFL –- the Senior Bowl, the Draft, the Denver Broncos, and now the New York Jets. He is a phenomenon –- and some might say, a phenomenal player. Many NFL fans are thrilled with the Tebow product, and they want more of him. Others ... not so much. He has even been called one of the most influential people in the world. I’m pretty sure Allen and Campbell never held that title." -- NFL Films' Greg Smith, on placing Tebow above players such as Marcus Allen and Earl Campbell on The Top 10 Heisman Winners In The NFL (NFL Films Blog)

"Well, I would eff Tebow to take his virginity." -- Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski, being Rob Gronkowski (Sports Grid)

AND HEY, YOU WERE ALMOST DRAFTED

"My body has changed a lot over these last three months. I almost have a six-pack now. The team that drafts me will see that my work ethic isn't questionable at all." -- New Bengals linebacker Vontaze Burfict, on the changes he's made to try to get drafted (Scout.com)

HIS PLAYMAKER SCORE IS NEGATIVE-80

"We really think this guy has a huge up-side. He is a big, big man; long arms. He didn’t catch a lot of balls for them. But he is kind of a late bloomer who has really come on. And we think this guy is kind of a JPP of tight ends. We like these kind of people." -- Giants general manager Jerry Reese, on fourth-round pick Adrien Robinson (New York Times)

If you see a quote that you think should be in the next TWIQ, send it via email to quotes-at-footballoutsiders.com or via Twitter to @FO_RiversMcCown

Posted by: Rivers McCown on 30 Apr 2012

39 comments, Last at 04 May 2012, 6:14pm by tuluse