compiled by Rivers McCown

I, TOO, WOULD RELISH THE CHANCE TO GET MY ASS KICKED BY PEYTON MANNING

"Not offended at all. In fact, I would have relished the opportunity to compete for the starting quarterback job with Peyton Manning." -- 49ers quarterback Alex Smith, on San Francisco's interest in Peyton Manning (San Francisco Chronicle)

I ALSO HOPE TO SETTLE ON A THIRD-PERSON NAME BY THEN, BUT I'M LEAVING ALL OPTIONS OPEN

"I’m too much of a great player to sit on one school. This is the hardest decision ever. I have to find what school is best for Kermit, best school for Lavonte." -- Class of 2013 recruit Lavonte 'Kermit' Whitfield, on decommitting from Miami (Orlando Sentinel)

I'M A ONE-ARMED GERMAN SPACE EXPLORER

"Well, I think we were a playoff-caliber offense this year," -- Redskins coach Mike Shanahan, on what improvements the team needed to make on offense (Redskins.com)

HE IS THE NOBLE DESCENDANT OF GREAT AMERICANS, LIKE RON HOWARD ... AND OTHERS

"Well, he's our coach. And, uh, I think he has some very, very positive qualities," -- Maryland president Wallace D. Loh, on Terrapins football coach Randy Edsall (The Baltimore Sun)

I CAN'T HELP BUT LOOK AT WINSTON'S STUBBLE AND WONDER WHEN THE NEXT ICE AGE WILL COME

"Thoughts on Winston release?"
"Yes i have thoughts on it."
"Let's do some sharing? I hate it. You?"
"Let's do some thinking, how do you feel about global warming?"
-- Texans running back Arian Foster and ESPN blogger Paul Kuharsky, discussing the Texans getting rid of Eric Winston via social media (Twitter) (Twitter)

PREDICTION: NEITHER WILL KU STUDENTS

"Probably the KU coach, Charlie Weis. He was kind of mean. He was straight forward, yelling and screaming, and all this stuff. I didn’t have time for that." -- Tennessee signee Cordarrelle Patterson, on Charlie Weis' personality (NFL.com)

INDEED, ACTIONS HAVE SPOKEN LOUDER THAN WORDS

"It gives the team just a reminder that I’m the leader of this team, and I’m excited to get back, and I’m going to be working my tail off these next few months to become the best possible starting quarterback that this franchise can have." -- Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez, on his contract extension (Pro Football Talk)

"But by no means is this anything but what we believe in with Mark. As you know Boomer, as a former player, actions speak louder than words and he's our starter. We extended him to a five-year deal and he's our quarterback." -- Jets general manager Mike Tannenbaum, on the acquisition of Tim Tebow. (Sports Radio Interviews)

ON THE OTHER HAND, ZOOK IS A FOUR-LETTER WORD

"At the end of the day, patience is a bad word. I don't use the word patience; I use the word realistic. Sometimes you have to be realistic to figure some things out." -- Florida head coach Will Muschamp, on returning the Gators to prominence (Dr. Saturday)

OUR ROBOT MASTERS WILL KNOW HOW TO CLEAN THIS MESS UP AND BUILD A BETTER WORLD

"Can't come in. I'm negotiating your future." -- Colts wideout Reggie Wayne, on locking himself away from his two-year-old to decide where he'd play next season (Twitter)

"STILL THINK WE'RE JUST A BUNCH OF DUMB JOCKS?"

"Last year, I wasn't the smartest guy. Kind of dumb. This year I'm trying to get my act together and trying to get this team where it needs to be." -- Tennessee quarterback Tyler Bray, on his goals this year (Knoxville News Sentinel)

JEFF IRELAND'S STRATEGY OF ASKING IF EVERY VISITOR'S MOM IS A WHORE MAY BE BACKFIRING

"No one! To believe I almost went there but it was easy decision not to." -- Steelers safety Ryan Clark, answering the question "Who wants to go to Miami?" (Pro Football Talk)

"I’d never been to Miami Beach and I thought it was a good way to go see it." -- 49ers quarterback Alex Smith, on what his thoughts were when visiting with the Dolphins (The Press-Democrat)

MAYBE WE'D ACTUALLY HAVE EVIDENCE OF THIS IF YOU SCHEDULED MORE THAN ONE TOUGH OUT OF CONFERENCE GAME A SEASON

"No disrespect to any conference, but there are conferences that are in the BCS that if they played in the SEC their champion may be in fourth or fifth place" -- Alabama head coach Nick Saban, on the possibility of a plus-one system for conference champions. (CBS)

THANK YOU FOR THAT AWESOME IMAGE OF NAKED, POKER-PLAYING, JAMIE MOYER

"You know who Jamie Moyer is? He's 49 years old. He's not 26 anymore, but he's still getting 'em out. Can you still throw well enough to get 'em out?" -- Former head coach Bill Parcells, to Peyton Manning (SI.com)

"He had us all fooled. If you played strip poker with the guy, you’d wind up without a stitch on and he’d still be fully clothed." -- Duke head coach and Manning confidant David Cutcliffe (The Tennesseean)

THE REDSKINS ALREADY SIGNED OUR JOINT LAWYERS FOR THE CASE, GAVE THEM $12 MILLION GUARANTEED

"First of all, there is no joy in Mudville, having to team up with the Redskins on a point with the league. They're competitors, not cohorts. It just shows you, independent of that, some of the issues we have with this cap space issue. Sometimes you can have strange bedfellows and this is one of them." -- Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, on being in the same boat with the Redskins on the NFL's salary cap penalties (The Dallas Morning News)

DAN PERSA'S CAMPAIGN HAD MORE HOPE

"My first goal is to be a good teammate, help my team get to the national championship. My second goal, I'm trying to run for the Heisman." -- Georgia running back Isaiah Crowell, on his hopes for next season (Columbus Ledger-Enquirer)

IT'S GOODELL TO BE THE KING

"My position has always been that I think Vilma and Gregg Williams should be banned for life and then Payton should get a year, their GM should get a year and anyone who knowingly took money after a hit that injured someone should get a year as well" -- Vikings punter Chris Kluwe, on the Saints bounty system (Pro Football Talk)

"Clearly, we were lied to. We investigated this back in 2010. We were told it was not happening, and it continued for another two years." -- NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, on the harshness of his penalties (NFL.com)

If you see a quote that you think should be in the next TWIQ, send it via email to quotes-at-footballoutsiders.com or via Twitter to @FO_RiversMcCown

Posted by: Rivers McCown on 30 Mar 2012

14 comments, Last at 08 Apr 2012, 5:34pm by Anonymous!!!!