compiled by Rivers McCown

I THINK I'M MISSING A CONTACT LENS, I THINK MY WALLET'S GONE

"Believe me, it’s not a great concern. You hope for the best, and you plan for the worst. Our goals for the season don’t change, and if he isn’t here, he isn’t here. I don’t control it. It’s his choice." -- Jaguars owner Shahid Khan, on Maurice Jones-Drew's holdout (Yahoo!)

"Train is leaving the station. Run, get on it." -- Khan, later in the week, on the same subject (Twitter)

PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY'VE BECOME THE CUBS OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL

"We never got any big screens or anything there. They said it was all because of tradition. I don't see why they have to change now but hey, whatever." -- Cubs pitcher and former Notre Dame receiver Jeff Samardzija, on recruiting perks popping up at his alma mater (Dr. Saturday)

TYROD TAYLOR'S WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT ARBY'S

"Every interception has its own story, nobody really wants to hear it at the end of the day. A quarterback signs the check on every ball that he throws." -- Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning, on his red-zone interceptions against Seattle (Broncos.com)

AKEY BREAKY ROBB

"We are the unwanted red-headed stepchild, no offense to any redheads. Nobody seems to want the Vandals right now." -- Idaho head coach Robb Akey, on his conference-less school (SI)

HE ALSO EARNED 8 POINTS FOR THE SHOT IN CALVINBALL, BUT THAT'S JUST SEMANTICS

"Yeah, that’s just football, going out there and getting the person with the ball ... running back, quarterback, receiver, whoever it is."
"I mean, it’s just football, man."
"That’s the game of football, man."
"It is." -- Patriots defender Jermaine Cunningham, on his blow that knocked Michael Vick from the game, and assorted followup questions to that (Boston Globe)

THEY'LL MOVE ON TO FACE ORANGE SHERBET IN THE INSIGHT.COM BOWL

"The Nutty Buddy's dominated the ice cream (giveaway). We killed the Creamsicle. Everything we do for Vanderbilt football we try to compete and dominate, and we did that today." -- Vanderbilt head coach James Franklin, on his performance giving away ice cream for free (Shutdown Corner)

WELL HOW THE HELL DO YOU GET SWAG? I FEEL LIKE WE'VE TRIED EVERYTHING

"I think he’s doing pretty good. Obviously you would like to see him be a little bit more vocal, a little bit more — as the young kids say — ‘swag.’" -- Giants defensive end Justin Tuck, on teammate Prince Amukamara (New York Daily News)

IF YOU LOSE OUT TO KIEHL FRAZIER, TOMMY JOHN SURGERY MAY BE NECESSARY

"They say if I was a pitcher, they'd put me on the DL," -- Auburn quarterback Clint Moseley, on the shoulder injury that hurt his chances of winning the starting quarterback job (The Birmingham News)

GIMBELS IS GONE MARGE. LONG GONE. YOU'RE GIMBELS

"Are they going to be Tom Brady? No. But they can be a Matt Hasselbeck." -- NFL vice president Ray Anderson, on replacement officials (CBS Sports)

"These officials have been trained. We've been working with them. We think they'll do a very credible job." -- Commissioner Roger Goodell, on replacement officials (Associated Press)

I HEAR ARKANSAS IS HIRING AFTER THE SEASON

"LSU wasn’t winning when I went there. Michigan State wasn’t winning when I went there. Toledo wasn’t winning when I went there. And Alabama really wasn’t winning when I came here. I guess I gotta go someplace else. I don’t know." -- Alabama head coach Nick Saban, on criticisms by Steve Spurrier that anyone can win at Alabama (Saturday Down South)

MUCH LIKE A PASS RUSHER DUCKING AROUND YOU, IT WAS INEVITABLE

"It starts with protection. They can get after the quarterback. [I’m] definitely disappointed, because we had some self-inflicted wounds." -- Jets head coach Rex Ryan, on his underachieving offense (Pro Football Talk)

"I wasn't surprised. Everyone knows. The whole NYC knows I was struggling. I was waiting for it, to be honest." -- Jets tackle Wayne Hunter, on his demotion (Twitter)

SO FAR IT SEEMS TO BE "CHAMPS SPORTS BOWL"

"When people look at that helmet, what do you want them to think? All them words and mottos and all that. You think you’ve got to come up with something fancy, no you don’t. When they see your helmet, it’s like when you see the other team’s helmet. That’s what you think of when you think Florida State: that helmet with that spear on it. What do you want opponents to think, what do you want people to think when you see that helmet?" -- Florida State coach Jimbo Fisher, on why his team has no motto (Orlando Sentinel)

I THINK WE'VE FIGURED OUT WHERE THIS PHOBIA HAS COME FROM

"Anytime anybody gets close to him he starts looking at the refs. As a defensive lineman you love a quarterback like that. He ain’t even trying to look at the routes no more. He is paying attention to us and you ain’t going to get nothing done like that." -- Raiders defensive lineman Tommy Kelly, on Arizona quarterback Kevin Kolb after a preseason game against the Cardinals (AP)

"I thought all of their quarterbacks were going to get hurt." -- Titans head coach Mike Munchak, following the Titans-Cardinals preseason game (Twitter)

LIKE PLAYING YOUR FRANCHISE TAG SEASON LIKE YOU COULDN'T CARE LESS? THAT KIND OF UNPROFESSIONAL?

"The Media love twisting my damn words up .. An they always wondering why I don't wanna talk 2 they ass .. That s**t is un - professional" -- Eagles wideout DeSean Jackson, on media portrayals of his franchise tag situation (Twitter)

LATER, HE'D LEARN TO BE ENAMORED BY THE DRAFT PICKS THEMSELVES RATHER THAN THE PLAYERS HE COULD USE THEM ON

"He said ‘I wanna draft you so bad that I have an erection right now,’" -- Former Bucs and Raiders defensive lineman Warren Sapp, on a pre-draft conversation with then-Browns coach Bill Belichick (Pro Football Talk)

GOOD NEWS! COMMISSIONER GOODELL WILL LET YOU BARTER THE FINE DOWN IF YOU HAVE ANY SAINTS BOUNTY INFORMATION

"Twenty-one thousand. I ain't even got that," -- Eagles cornerback Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, on his fine for a hit to Byron Leftwich (CSN Philadelphia)

If you see a quote that you think should be in the next TWIQ, send it via email to quotes-at-footballoutsiders.com or via Twitter to @FO_RiversMcCown

Posted by: Rivers McCown on 24 Aug 2012

8 comments, Last at 27 Aug 2012, 8:45am by jebmak