compiled by Rivers McCown

AS A CARD-CARRYING MCCOWN BROTHER, I PROMISE THAT I CAN THROW A BALL IN THE GENERAL VICINITY OF LARRY FITZGERALD FOR AN NFL PAYCHECK

"Do you play?" -- Cardinals head coach Ken Whisenhunt, to beat reporter Kent Somers, when asked about who his quarterback would be next week (Twitter)

MY BABY ONLY KISSES ME ON NEW YEAR'S IF I MAKE A BCS BOWL

"Go find a place I can twirl my sweetheart. It's New Year's Eve, right? Might get a kiss. To me, it'd be a great weekend, highlighted by a tremendous game." -- LSU head coach Les Miles, on heading to the Chik-Fil-A Bowl. (YouTube)

IF THERE WAS ONE THING MISSING FROM JOE BUCK'S ON-AIR REPERTOIRE, IT WAS PRETENTIOUSNESS

"Here's a guy who just discovered Mumford and Sons like four days ago, Troy Aikman to my right." -- FOX play-by-play announcer Joe Buck, getting indier-than-thou on color man Troy Aikman (SB Nation)

HE HAS TO GO. HIS PLANET NEEDS HIM.

"I asked Coach (Charlie) Weis at KU and Coach (Dana) Holgorsen at West Virginia (the same question), just so I know my relationship with them. (Tuberville) was just telling me he coached at Miami and Auburn, he coached 10 years and recruited Ray Lewis and kind of blew the question off I didn’t even realize." -- Hutchinson (Kansas) CC offensive tackle Devonte Danzey, on asking Tommy Tuberville how long he'd stay in Lubbock if he didn't get fired (Wreck'em 247)

"The waitress brought our food out, and we thought (Tuberville) went to the bathroom, but he never came back to dinner. Then next thing I know, the next day, he made an announcement that he’s going to Cincinnati." -- Danzey on his recruitment by Texas Tech (Wreckem247)

SOUNDS LIKE A ROUGH BREAK FOR ROGER, HE'LL HAVE TO GO TAKE A PUNISHMENT LAP IN HIS SCROOGE MCDUCK COIN VAULT AND THINK ABOUT WHAT HE'S DONE

"If one were to punish certain off-field talk in locker rooms, meeting rooms, hotel rooms or elsewhere without applying a rigorous standard that separated real threats or "bounties" from rhetoric and exaggeration, it would open a field of inquiry that would lead nowhere." -- Former NFL commissioner Paul Taglaibue, on Roger Goodell's heavy-handedness (Shutdown Corner)

"I continue to maintain that I did not participate in a pay-to-injure program or facilitate any such program. I appreciate that Mr. Taglaibue did not rush to judgment, taking into consideration all facts presented to him, before ruling– something that was clearly not done by Commissioner Goodell in previous hearings." -- Saints defensive end Will Smith, on his suspension being vacated (Pro Football Talk)

CSI IS GOING TO USE A SECOND-ROUND PICK ON ME, THEN DISCOVER I'M ONLY GOOD AT JUGGLING

"I'm working in the world of the arts, becoming a thespian, and when that happens, life is going to be so wonderful," -- Former West Virginia quarterback Pat White, on his upcoming career plans (Dr. Saturday)

THIS CHRISTMAS, I'M ASKING FOR A SECOND RECEIVER WHO CAN BEAT MAN COVERAGE

"Right now, metaphorically, our season looks like this tree. We're standing, bare and just ugly ... but there's still hope. As a kid, it doesn't matter how your Christmas tree looks -- you're still waiting for Christmas Day. You have hopes and dreams that Santa Claus is going to bring you the things you asked for. It's always a possibility, and where we stand today, our goal is to win the NFC championship, beat the Green Bay Packers, and win the Super Bowl. All that can still be under this Christmas tree." -- Bears wide receiver Brandon Marshall, on a small tree he brought to his press conference (Shutdown Corner)

SURE, I WOULD LISTEN IF ANYONE CALLED

"It's a job that has tremendous upside, in a great place. I would like to be considered. If that opportunity arose, I'd certainly be interested." -- Former North Carolina head coach Butch Davis, on the opening at South Florida (Tampa Bay Times)

BY EXPANDING THE PLAYOFFS, WE COULD MAKE PEOPLE FORGET ABOUT ALL THE OTHER TERRIBLE THINGS I'VE DONE AS COMMISSIONER ... AT LEAST FOR A FEW HOURS

"Of course, something that we discussed in the past is expanded playoffs. That is something that we teed up today. We will probably be looking at it with the committee over the next several months. Right now, we are at 12 teams, obviously. We will look at probably 14 or 16. The committee will be looking at that." -- NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, on possibly expanding the playoffs, the day after his public browbeating (National Football Post)

GEORGIA TECH CAN FIND PLENTY OF PEOPLE TO BLOCK, NO HARM DONE

"It’s a crying shame. The (coaches) bent over backwards to help him. He was on his way to getting a college degree from Georgia Institute of Technology. It’s a shame he had to be a little selfish." -- Georgia Tech wideout Jeff Greene's high school coach, Chad Phillips, on his decision to transfer (College Football Talk)

THE PATRIOTS DID NOT PERSONALLY DELIVER MY PRESS BOX FOOD ON MONDAY; DISRESPECTFUL

"It really [ticked] me off. It was disrespectful to us to run the same play over and over and be successful." -- Dolphins defensive lineman Tony McDaniel, on the Patriots running the same play over and over again in the fourth quarter (Palm Beach Post)

YOU'RE NOT REALLY GOING TO GIVE BARRY ALVAREZ YOUR POWER OF ATTORNEY, ARE YOU?

"We’ve discussed that already here as an item in the contract. Before discussion with any other program, that we have to be contacted." -- Wisconsin Athletic Director Barry Alvarez, on new language in the Wisconsin college football contract (College Football Talk)

IT'S NOW CLEAR THAT RICH EISEN MUST ELIMINATE YOU WITH HIS MIND

"Yeah, I mean I’m not an actual NFL ‘football’ player,’ I mean, come on. We know our roles. I had the same type thing in 2008. I had to push DeSean Jackson out of bounds. Somehow I chased him down, don’t know how I did it, and I fell and my knee blew up. Every now and then you get one. We’re punters and kickers. We’re a different breed.’" -- Texans punter Donnie Jones, on injuring himself during a tackle attempt on Monday Night Football (Sports Grid)

I THINK WE'RE ALL LOOKING FORWARD TO BOBBY PETRINO'S BRIEF STINT AT ARKANSAS STATE

"Lol dese coaches run a train on Arkansas State, get a nut an gone bout they business" -- Arkansas State defensive back Don Jones II, on his team's inability to hold on to a coach (Deadspin)

"Yall thought Malzahn was gone keep turning dem M's down lol shiiiii" -- Jones II, on Malzahn departing for the Auburn job (Deadspin)

I BLAME THE UNDER ARMOR COMMERCIALS

"Get the f*ck off my field. Get the f*ck off my field baby. F*ck off my field, man. Get the f*ck off my field!" -- Panthers defensive end Greg Hardy, mocking Matt Ryan's similar remarks from the first time the Panthers and Falcons met in Week 4 (Deadspin)

"Enjoy watching us in January!" -- Falcons kicker Matt Bryant, to Hardy (Deadspin)

THAT IS TO SAY THAT HE CAN ACTUALLY PROPEL HIMSELF FORWARD WITH HIS LEGS

"Teams throw on first and second down, so you have to be able to run and cover. You don't want liabilities in coverage in your base. I don't think he's a liability. Does he run well enough? He's not speed-deficient, but with his play speed, in coverage, there are some specific guys you'd have questions about." -- Anonymous AFC executive, on Manti Te'o (NFL.com)

If you see a quote that you think should be in the next TWIQ, send it via email to quotes-at-footballoutsiders.com or via Twitter to @FO_RiversMcCown

Posted by: Rivers McCown on 14 Dec 2012

25 comments, Last at 16 Dec 2012, 6:19am by evenchunkiermonkey