compiled by Rivers McCown

HE CALCULATED ALL THE HEIGHT AND WIDTH AND DENSITY FOR INSURANCE PURPOSES

"Rankings are about as useless as the piece of trash on the side of the street. Actually, the piece of trash is probably a little more useful because you can recycle it, depending on its content." -- Texans running back Arian Foster, on Houston's high rankings from media outlets (HoustonTexans.com)

EXCEPT DURING THE CRUSADES

"Ricky, never bet against the Catholics." -- ESPN personality Lee Corso, explaining his Notre Dame win prediction (Awful Announcing)

HARD TO THINK OF A LESS APPEALING COMBO PLATTER

"We got the first pickle out of the jar. Now we’ll see if we can get another one." -- Chiefs head coach Romeo Crennel, on his team's first win of the season (Pro Football Talk)

"I am the one who is putting the banana pudding together. If we get the right ingredients, I think it will taste good. But we have to keep working on it and right now we’re not there." -- Titans defensive coordinator Jerry Gray, on the struggles of his unit (The Tennesseean)

SHOCKING THAT AN UNPREJUDICED INSTITUTION SUCH AS COLLEGE FOOTBALL WOULD BE SO STINGY WITH INJURY DATA

"I believe that covers it all. I don't need to take questions." -- South Carolina head coach Steve Spurrier, cutting past any questions about the health of his players (Associated Press)

"They’re the ones interested in injuries, because they can’t write interesting stories. I don’t like the notion of reading all these sobby stories, that this team isn’t doing good because such-and-such a star is injured." -- Washington State head coach Mike Leach, on a proposed Pac-12 injury report (The Register-Guard)

GIVE THOMAS BEATIE A CALL, BUT I DON'T THINK KRISTIN WILL BE SUPPORTIVE

"If I could have babies I would want Jay Cutler to be my baby father." -- Bears defensive back D.J. Moore, after initially making comments that he didn't agree with Cutler shoving J'Marcus Webb (Twitter)

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A TURKISH PRISON?

"Did you come away with any more clarity on the receiving corps?"
"Did you?"
"No."
"Okay. Next question."
...
"Coach does your offense need to be more effective against Ohio State next week?"
"Yes. Next question."
...
"I'm just loving all these questions cause they're great ones." -- Michigan State head coach Mark Dantonio, blowing up his press conference (SB Nation)

JUST CHECK YOUR MONDAY TWITTER FEED FOR THIS HEADLINE

"The officials did a great job today." -- Packers wideout Greg Jennings, on Monday night's Green Bay - Seattle game (Shutdown Corner)

"F**k it NFL.. Fine me and use the money to pay the regular refs." -- Packers guard T.J. Lang, on being robbed of a win (Twitter)

ARE YOU AWARE SIR THAT YOU ARE DRINKING COLOMBIAN DECAFFEINATED COFFEE CRYSTALS?

"Well, I think I am. ...Large, husky, whatever. Chris Farley. Any of those things are fine." -- Michigan head coach Brady Hoke, on hearing that Brian Kelly had called him "husky." (Sports Radio Interviews)

AH YES, THIS FROM THE LEAGUE THAT GAVE US SUCH CULTURES OF ACCOUNTABILITY AS "YOU CAN'T SEE OUR BOUNTY EVIDENCE"

"It was the correct call. I didn't do anything wrong." -- Replacement official Lance Easley, on calling the Seattle-Green Bay Hail Mary a touchdown (TMZ)

"That is the beauty of sports and the beauty of officiating, that there are controversial calls and people see them differently. I understand that. That is the beauty of sports." -- NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, on Golden Tate's Hail Mary "catch" (Shutdown Corner)

HE HAS TO GO AFTER HIM FIRST: THAT FIRE WHIRL COUNTER WHEN YOU ATTACK THE OUTLAW IS A BITCH

"Steve Spurrier will go for the Juggler here." -- CBS announcer Gary Danielson, on a South Carolina drive (Awful Announcing)

AS LONG AS YOU AREN'T TRYING TO RUN A PASSING ROUTE, ANYWAY

"I'll smack the sh*t out of you." -- Jets linebacker Bart Scott, to Jets writer Dan Leberfield (Deadspin)

AND I'D KNOW ABOUT SKIPPING ROCKS; MY OFFENSE IS STUCK IN THE STONE AGE!

"It still looks like he's skipping rocks out there to me. But that's not my concern. That’s probably more a concern of the defensive backs. My concern is hitting him. I don't care what he throws like. I'm not trying to let him throw at all. He still can't throw. I'm just going to say it. He still can't throw. He's not going to beat us with his arm." -- Wisconsin defensive end David Gilbert, on Nebraska quarterback Taylor Martinez (ESPN Big 10 Blog)

THAT'S THE SMARTEST TEBOW COMPARISON I'VE EVER HEARD -- BUT DON'T LET REGGIE BUSH HEAR YOU SAY IT

"That's you guys, how much you love [him]. Everybody loves him, but the same people go with the Kardashians. I don't know what they did, either." -- Dolphins receiver Brian Hartline, on Tim Tebow (South Florida Sun-Sentinel)

I'D LEVEL HIM UP IN THE PYRAMID UNTIL HE'S A METALLIC CYBORG DOG

"Do you want to be a show dog or a hunting dog? [The Heisman] has nothing to do with our season. If he would win it, that would be wonderful. That’s all great. But that’s not for him to decide. For him to decide is what kind of teammate he’s going to be. What kind of leader he’s going to be and how he’s going to go each week. If you want to parade him around and do all that, [fine]. I’d rather have a hunting dog." -- Florida State head coach Jimbo Fisher, on sudden Heisman buzz for quarterback E.J. Manuel (Orlando Sentinel)

AVENGE MY GAP KIMBA ... I MEAN, SIMBA

"I’ll say I’ve got the longest hair. I think Peko’s got the best hair. He gets it all fluffed out and stuff. They think he’s the Lion King." -- Bengals safety Reggie Nelson, on teammate Domata Peko (Cincinnati Enquirer)

ENJOY YOUR LUNCH!

"It was just squirting. All you could see was the meat underneath my fingernail and blood covering it up." -- Virginia Tech quarterback Logan Thomas, on a finger injury suffered last week (College Football Talk)

If you see a quote that you think should be in the next TWIQ, send it via email to quotes-at-footballoutsiders.com or via Twitter to @FO_RiversMcCown

Posted by: Rivers McCown on 28 Sep 2012

17 comments, Last at 02 Oct 2012, 9:25am by peterplaysbass