compiled by Rivers McCown

CAN WE GO BACK TO THE BLACKOUT?

"The more angles I see the more confused I get." -- CBS color commentator Phil Simms, during the Super Bowl (Twitter)

EH, IT'S JUST A SILLY RIVALRY

"Until I die, I’m gonna be a Buckeye fan even though I’m going (to Michigan). When we play (OSU) I’m gonna still bring my ‘A’ game. But, I love Ohio State." -- Michigan recruit Reon Dawson (Dayton Daily News)

YOURS TRULY IS A BUTT THAT WON'T QUIT

"It was so silly. I was in the airport, leaving Chicago. We had just spent however many days together and we were texting and somehow it came up, like, "Oh, shall we get married?" We're like, "Yeah, OK." And then he sent my ring in the mail. So I actually had my ring sitting at home for a couple of weeks before I put it on." -- Actress (I think) Kristin Cavallari, on her engagement to Jay Cutler (E! Online)

IT'S A MAINSTAY OF THE MAGICIAN'S TOOLKIT, LIKE HOW CLOWNS ALWAYS HAVE A RAG SOAKED IN ETHER

"No." -- Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o, on if the Lennay Kekua situation affected him in the national championship game (Pro Football Talk)

"I was running near a 4.6, a 4.5. Today was just a long, long day." -- Te'o, on the stress of the combine hurting his 40-yard-dash time (Pro Football Talk)

JUDGE, JURY, AND EXECUTIONER

"You know, I really want to handle this with class and grace, and we had several opportunities in this game. We didn't play our best game, and the Ravens made a lot of plays and battled back. They competed to win. But there's no question in my mind that it was a pass interference, and hold on [Michael] Crabtree on the last one." -- 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh after the Super Bowl (Shutdown Corner)

"Somebody that’s not truthful, that’s big, to me. I’m a big fan of the Judge Judy show. And when you lie in Judge Judy’s courtroom, it’s over. Your credibility is completely lost. You have no chance of winning that case. So I learned that from her. It’s very powerful, and true. Because if somebody does lie to you, how can you ever trust anything they ever say after that? Ronald Reagan, another person of great wisdom and advice, ‘Trust but we will verify.’" -- Harbaugh, at the scouting combine (Pro Football Talk)

YOU LAUGH, BUT BEAR FLOWER MAN TREE 98 JET SET IS GOING TO NET THE BENGALS 15 YARDS PER PLAY NEXT YEAR

"One thing caught me off guard. I was meeting with Cincinnati, and I went in there and they told me to remember five things. They just listed five things like a bear, a flower, a tree, a man and like a dog. And they told me to remember those terms, at the end of the meeting to see if I could remember them. And from that point on, they listed numbers. They said, like, 9167, and then told me to repeat them in reverse order. So that was probably the weirdest meeting I've ever been a part of." -- Oklahoma tackle Lane Johnson, on a combine meeting with the Bengals (Deadspin)

STORY CHECKS OUT

"Yards and sh*t." -- Texans running back Arian Foster, on what he would deliver on the football field next season (Twitter)

I'M SURE THERE IS SOME WAY THAT NCAA RULES DISAGREE WITH THIS ASSERTION

"You can't get more possession than shoving it down your pants," -- Pullman police commander Chris Tennant, on redshirt freshman Washington State football player Drew Loftus attempting to steal tequila bottles by hiding them in the waistband of his pants (Deadspin)

AT LEAST HE HASN'T SAID THAT HE'S THE BEST RECEIVER OF ALL-TIME YET. PUBLICLY, ANYWAY

"He did tell me he thought he was just as good Megatron. I said, 'Come on, man. Who you talking to?' I said, 'Come on, you're as good as that guy? This guy is the real deal.' And he really believes this. And he was sincere about it. 'Ah man, I'm better than him.' I said, 'No you're not. Be real man. Come on.' So I don't know, I'm hoping for the best for him." -- Titus Young's high school coach, E.C. Robinson, on Young's on-field confidence (NFL.com)

NOW DROWN OUT THOSE REAL TEARS AND FETCH ME ANOTHER 20 REPS

"Sweat is just your fat crying." -- Sign in Alabama Football's weight room (Twitter)

I MEAN, HE'S RIGHT. NOBODY DID LIKE CHRIS RIX

"f*ck you bitch I heard u lying on me , no one liked your sorry ass ever, when I see u im whooping yo ass on everything I love." -- Cardinals defensive lineman Darnell Dockett, to former college quarterback Chris Rix after he mentioned Dockett's sexuality was discussed in college and that Greg Jones once bodyslammed him during a radio interview. (SB Nation)

"BETTER ASK HIM IF HE LIKES GIRLS" -- CREEPY NFL INTERVIEWER

"He runs like he has a rocket in his ass," -- Unnamed general manager on West Virginia wideout Tavon Austin (Pro Football Talk)

THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE SPENT MORE OF THIS YEAR INJURED

"Anything is possible. I would love to get Mario's deal. Who wouldn't? Those are some great numbers." -- Lions defensive end Cliff Avril, on his upcoming free agency (MLive)

COACH HUGH FREEZE, ANGELINA HAS UNLOCKED HER PRIVATE PHOTOS AND VIDEOS FOR YOU TO VIEW

"If you have facts about a violation, email compliance@olemiss.edu. If not, please don't slander the young men" -- Ole Miss head coach Hugh Freeze, on (mostly joking?) allegations that Ole Miss recruited above its weight this year (Twitter)

"Go home Hugh, you’re drunk." -- One of many letters sent to the aforementioned compliance e-mail after Freeze's assertion (Memphis Commercial Appeal)

WE ARE AVAILABLE ON RETAINER IF YOU'D LIKE US TO MAKE THIS CASE FOR YOU WITH STATISTICS THAT MATTER

"'Women lie, men lie, numbers don't lie' pic.twitter.com/nAOVwQsP" -- Richard Sherman, on how he was statistically better than Darrelle Revis (Twitter)

"You saw the game — he caught one pass on me the whole game. It’s probably a lifetime achievement for him, so congratulations. It’s a rarity. It’ll rarely ever happen. I think we play them again next year. It won’t happen again. They have to hide him in the formation. They have to bring him down. He can’t just stand out there and play receiver. They have to hide him and do everything to get him open." -- Sherman, on Roddy White's performance against him in the playoffs (Pro Football Talk)

LES MILES WAS BUSY STARING AT A NAPKIN HOLDER AND WAS UNAVAILABLE FOR COMMENT

"You know, some weeks when we didn’t have to play the harder teams, there were some times when effort was not needed. But when we had the big boys coming in — the Bamas or the South Carolinas — I grabbed close to those guys and went all-out." -- LSU defensive end Sam Montgomery, on his hot-and-cold motor (The Advocate)

If you see a quote that you think should be in the next TWIQ, send it via email to quotes-at-footballoutsiders.com or via Twitter to @FO_RiversMcCown

Posted by: Rivers McCown on 10 Mar 2013

15 comments, Last at 12 Mar 2013, 2:04pm by young curmudgeon