Writers of Pro Football Prospectus 2008

04 Jul 2016

The Month in Quotes: June 2016

compiled by Joe Rowles

IT WAS ACTUALLY 19

"For those of you keeping score at home, I gave exactly 18 f*cks about my Pats. Upon reflection, 12 probably would have been sufficient."

-- Ben Affleck after an interview with Bill Simmons on HBO's Any Given Wednesday in response to Deflategate that included multiple expletives. (Ben Affleck, via Twitter)

  • "Deflategate is the ultimate bullshit f*cking outrage."
  • "It's so f*cking stupid."
  • "It's the equivalent of suspending a baseball player for forty f*cking days."
  • "… there would be no f*cking NFL."
  • "They suspended Tom Brady four games for not giving him his f*cking cell phone."
  • "I'd never give the organization as leak-prone as the NFL my f*cking cell phone."
  • "Maybe Tom Brady is so f*cking classy and such a f*cking gentleman…"
  • "Surely his opinions about professional football are contained in his emails and his texts and his f*cking cell phone."
  • "This isn't a f*cking federal subpoena."
  • "what's his name... f*cking... f*ck... Eli"
  • "The whole f*cking thing was about how he's got to scuff it like Phil Niekro before he'll ever f*cking put the football in the game."
  • "I talked to f*cking football players..."
  • "There's guys who work for the f*cking Jets and Broncos..."
  • "They have some slight, flimsy f*cking pretense."
  • "It's a f*cking ridiculous smear campaign."
  • "We haven't done anything to address this crisis about domestic violence in the NFL, but the f*cking football better not be 8% lighter."

-- A full catalogue of each of Affleck's f*cks. (Awful Announcing)

THE SNAKE SPEAKS

"Like Jerry Jones, who says it's 'absurd' that there would be a link between brain trauma, football and CTE. Shame on him for saying that, that billionaire asshole. It's the worst thing in the world for a guy like that to say."

-- Former Cardinals and Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer, comparing Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones to everyone's favorite orifice.

"There was, still is and always has been a pretty high use of whatever drug of choice it is to keep you on the field."

-- Plummer on drug culture in the NFL.

"It's basically really nice, really good heroin and we're going to give it to you so you can go out and actually damage your body even more and we'll insure you for a few years afterward, but then you're on your own."

-- Plummer on the NFL's liberal policy with narcotics in alleviating players' pain.

"They should be able to say, 'I'm going to have some CBD and puff on this fatty, relax after a football game and take the pain away.' Not get tested for it like Josh Gordon, who now can't play the game that he's been playing since he was a kid because he smokes marijuana. It didn't derail him or cause him to underachieve from what I witnessed. He dominated the league for two straight years, and now he's out of the league because he chose an alternative form of medicine."

-- Plummer on the case of Josh Gordon. (BSNDenver.com)

MR. STAFFORD MAY BE USING THAT ALTERNATE MEDICINE

"It's gonna, I think, be tougher for defenses in a certain way that they don't know who we're going to. There's no guy to key in on. We're probably just going to spread the ball around a bunch, a bunch of guys are gonna get a ton of catches and we're gonna be alright."

-- Detroit Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford on how his team will adjust to life after Calvin Johnson. (Pro Football Talk)

JOHNNY DRAMA

"He's a druggie. It's not a secret that he's a druggie. I don't know what to say other than my son is a druggie and he needs help. He just hasn't seeked it yet. Hopefully he doesn't die before he comes to his senses. That's about all you can say. I don't know what else to say. I hate to say it but I hope he goes to jail. I mean, that would be the best place for him. So we'll see."

-- Paul Manziel, speaking about his son Johnny, to ESPN's Josina Anderson. (Adam Schefter via Facebook)

"I won't take this thing off for a week. You my brother FOR LIFE. JUST WAIT ON THIS COMEBACK!!!!"

-- Johnny Manziel, wearing Josh Gordon's jersey. (Instagram)

TALK ABOUT KINKY

"My wife will act as the offensive coordinator at times during the evening. I'll have her read the full play to me. I'll sit there and try to picture it, spit it back out to her, make sure I'm verbalizing it the right way so that when I step into the huddle the next day in practice, things are coming out clear."

-- Houston Texans quarterback Brock Osweiler on his method for learning a new offense.

WHO'S GOING TO GIVE ME A SWIRLY?

"That's the playbook, that's getting to know your teammates. Understanding the ins and the outs and the operation and style of this building and how our strength staff operates. It's like the first day of school and going to a new school. Who's going to be my new best friend? What's our teacher like? I can't wait to see the playground, maybe our weight room and cafeteria."

-- Osweiler on adjusting to a new team in Houston. (Pro Football Talk)

A BETTER ARGUMENT HAS NEVER BEEN GIVEN

"Why not?"

-- Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger on the possibility of attempting a 2-point conversion after every touchdown in 2016. (ESPN.com)

HAMMER, MEET THE NAIL

"Sometimes you're going to have to adjust to teams that decide to go after it. I think we discussed that when the rule was first changed. You have to match (the strategy), just in terms of point differential."

-- Detroit Lions coach Jim Caldwell on how even conservative coaches will need to plan for 2-point conversion attempts. (DetroitLions.com)

THIS ISN'T WHERE I PARKED MY CAR

"Isn't this where I'm supposed to be?"

-- Former Detroit Lions defensive back Stanley Wilson to a woman who found him in her house in Portland, Oregon. Wilson was later shot by a different homeowner after attempting a naked burglary. Wilson's father, Stanley Sr., was a Cincinnati Bengals running back who was suspended for the 1985 and 1987 seasons due to substance abuse violations, then missed Super Bowl XXIII against San Francisco when his coaches found him with cocaine the night before the game. (Pro Football Talk)

TACO BELL, YOUR NEXT $1 MILLION IDEA

"Last time I made an omelet it was like a taco. So this is basically the first omelet I've made. I'm proud of this."

-- Buffalo Bills sixth-round cornerback Kevon Seymour, after taking part in a cooking competition as part of the team's rookie transition program. (Boston Globe)

I'D DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE, BUT I WON'T DO THAT

"You pursue what's on your heart, you pursue what you're passionate about and for me in the game of football, is the position of quarterback. You don't do things necessarily because other people want you to, you do what's on your heart, what you're passionate about and that's what I tried to do."

-- Former Broncos/Jets quarterback Tim Tebow during an interview on Larry King Now on whether he would switch positions to make it back into the NFL. (New York Daily News)

THE GRONKSI-DAISY

"That's a route, when you're going to your left or right you want to give the whole head and shoulders, not just a little leg step. You want to give the whole-body feel, to get the defender to think you're going that way and then pop the other way. You have to have a couple moves and tricks to get open."

-- New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski after practicing a fake at the goal-line aimed at shrugging a defender. (Mike Reiss of ESPN)

IT CAN'T GET WORSE, RIGHT?

"We didn't pick up the defense as well. Things have slowed down. Everybody knows what they're doing. And we've got some new pieces in there that are looking really good. I feel like we'll be very good. We can't do nothing but be better than last year."

-- Buffalo Bills defensive back Corey Graham on what went wrong with the Buffalo defense in 2015. (Buffalo News)

PRESIDENT OF THE MUSHROOM SOCIETY?

"Like mushrooms, offensive linemen are kept in the dark and fed [manure] with the expectation that good things will grow."

-- Veteran NFL offensive line coach Howard Mudd in his new book The View from the O-line: Football According to NFL Offensive Linemen and an Uncommon Coach.

"I would stand on the kind of efficiency we had when I was there."

-- Mudd on his tenure with the Cleveland Browns, a time when Bernie Kosar was perennially among the league leaders in passer rating and they once produced two 1,000-yard rushers in one season.

"In the old days, when we didn't have that, I spent time with, say, [former Browns defensive line coach] Tom Pratt, or in Indianapolis with [former Colts line coach] John Teerlinck. We'd go on the practice field with gym trunks on and we'd pass rush 80 or 90 times during the practice while they were down there throwing passes, and that's where they learned to pass protect in the offseason. And that's not happening. So they show up and they're expected to make these athletic moves and it doesn't happen. I think it's really significant."

-- Mudd on changes in the NFL since his days in the league.

"Look at how many times the quarterback gets hit. Then we all cry because we don't have quarterbacks. Then, [expletive], find somebody to protect them."

-- Mudd on the vast majority of offensive line coaches in the NFL. Mudd said there are "maybe 12" good OL coaches in the league. (ESPN.com)

BULLIES HATE CAPS LOCK

"I never had a bully before in my life and I'm DAMN sure not about to have one at this point. But since I'm a nice guy & don't mind helping to clear the air in the name of the NFL Shield, I'll do this interview, WITH THESE STIPULATIONS: The interview will be done at MY house. BEFORE training camp. On a date of MY choosing. AND Mr. Goodell must be present."

-- Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker James Harrison via Instagram on a possible meeting with the NFL concerning the league's desire to interview players accused by Al Jazeera of using PEDs. (Instagram)

YOU EITHER WIN OR YOU LEARN

"I didn't learn nothing from that experience. That was last year. We didn't make it to the Super Bowl. That doesn't really matter to me."

-- Pittsburgh Steelers assistant coach Joey Porter on the $10,000 fine levied against him for arguing with Vontaze Burfict and Adam Jones on the field during the AFC wild-card game. The league is going to enact a "Joey Porter" rule tweak. (Pro Football Talk)

WHAT IF HE'S THE NEXT Dwight Freeney?

"How many times have you heard, 'This guy is the next Lawrence Taylor' or something like that?"

-- Free agent edge rusher Dwight Freeney, on the league's preference for younger players. (Bleacher Report)

TIME TO SAW OFF THE BRANCH

"Mike has perhaps gone out on a limb more than he should in trying to guess or speculate what a call will be, but all he is giving is his opinion of what he would call if he were on the field. And if it's a different result, I think people get frustrated."

-- CBS Sports boss Sean McManus on former rules analyst Mike Carey. (New York Daily News)

CONFUCIUS

"Throw deep."

-- Cincinnati Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis' advice to former Idaho State teammate Dirk Koetter when the latter was named head coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Idaho State is one of three schools with multiple alums who are NFL head coaches. (Idaho State Journal)

TWITTER OBIT

"Man, you leave the office for 1 day of golf w/ @JimKelly1212 & your own network kills you off. #harsh"

-- NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, in response to a hacked NFL tweet that pronounced his demise. (CBS Sports)

SPECIAL PASSING OF A LEGEND SECTION

RUN AND SHOOT? MORE LIKE CHUCK AND DUCK

"Kevin Gilbride will be selling insurance in two years."

-- Then-Houston Oilers defensive coordinator Buddy Ryan after he punched Gilbride, his team's offensive coordinator, on the sideline of a nationally televised game in 1993. Save for one year as a broadcaster, Gilbride would spend the next twenty years as a head coach, offensive coordinator, or quarterback coach in the NFL.

ANY DAY NOW THEY'LL MAKE A KICKER APP

"Football kickers are like taxi cabs. You can always go out and hire another one."

-- Ryan, correctly noting the fungible nature of kickers. (ESPN.com)

Posted by: Guest on 04 Jul 2016

12 comments, Last at 18 Jul 2016, 11:37pm by LionInAZ

Comments

1
by Theo :: Mon, 07/04/2016 - 3:09pm

Never understood why 'fuck' is a bad word. But you can say the worst things about whole groups of people, or stay the stupidest or downright harmful things and no one bats an eye.

12
by LionInAZ :: Mon, 07/18/2016 - 11:37pm

I dunno. Go drop a few f-bombs in front of your grandmother and see what she thinks.

2
by Michael.Edits :: Mon, 07/04/2016 - 3:53pm

Thank you for sharing this lovely fucking football-like substance to get us through the long lonely downtime between February and September. You're fucking beautiful.

3
by young curmudgeon :: Mon, 07/04/2016 - 3:55pm

Odd that you used Meat Loaf as a heading for the Tebow note, but missed a once in a lifetime opportunity to cite Talking Heads before the Stanley Wilson item.

8
by NoraDaddy :: Tue, 07/05/2016 - 4:32pm

My God!...What have I done?!

4
by justanothersteve :: Mon, 07/04/2016 - 11:28pm

Jake the Snake talks more about cannibis in his guest column in this week's MMQB. I love his comment at the end where he points out that it's obvious America has a problem with opiate prescriptions when an opioid-induced constipation (complete with cute acronym) commercial ran during the Super Bowl.

7
by Theo :: Tue, 07/05/2016 - 4:10pm

Opioid-induced constipation is not the issue here, dude! This is about drawing a line in the sand!
Also, dude, 'Jake the Snake' is not the preferred nomenclature. 'Unemployed stoner' please.

10
by Bernie :: Wed, 07/06/2016 - 3:44pm

How old does Plummer think he is? in his ten things I think I think he writes : 4. I think I’m jealous of how protected today’s quarterbacks are. Rarely do they get hit outside the pocket or slammed to the turf by two 300-pound men. This is why we see guys like Peyton Manning play for 18 years and Tom Brady look and play like he’s in his twenties. They don’t take the same abuse quarterbacks did when I played.
Manning was drafted 1 year after Plummer, and Brady 3 years. They played in the same era for god's sake, under the same rules.

5
by Will Allen :: Tue, 07/05/2016 - 12:22pm

65 days until opening kickoff.

6
by ChrisS :: Tue, 07/05/2016 - 1:20pm

A great way to make 15 minutes of that disappear, http://bleacherreport.com/articles/2649459-cant-wait-for-the-2016-nfl-se... A very funny article by Tanier.

9
by CuseFanInSoCal :: Tue, 07/05/2016 - 9:24pm

Kickr, coming soon to iOS and Android

11
by RobotBoy :: Thu, 07/07/2016 - 4:31am

No matter you think of Plummer, suspending players for marijuana use is moronic.
Plus, we've just discovered that cannibas prevents Alzheimer's!
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/06/160629095609.htm
(Hyperbole alert).
I'd love to see a record of the amount of prescription meds handed out to players over the course of a season. How many stimulants, painkillers, anti-depressants, etc. Would make interesting reading - which team uses more oxy, more benzos, more adderall? Every NFL player is basically treated as a science project. Does Belichick get a competitive advantage from pushing first-generation anti-depressants?