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» Scramble for the Ball: With All the Fixings

An idiot's (two idiots'?) guide to Thanksgiving football, prepped and primed for the monsters-in-law who only watch these three games in a year.

11 Nov 2016

The Week In Quotes: November 11, 2016

by Rob Eves

BILL JAMES SHEDS A SILENT TEAR

"Stats are for losers."

-- New York Giants head coach Ben McAdoo, not wanting to hear about defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul's sack numbers this season, and in doing so indirectly slating the work done by Football Outsiders, as well as you personally. (Big Blue View, SB Nation)

FOR THE LADIES

"We win a big game like that I'm going to the club wit full pads on."

-- Oakland Raiders punter Marquette King, celebrating the Raiders' 30-20 Sunday Night Football win over the Denver Broncos. (Marquette King, Twitter)

A GOOD RECIPE FOR LOSING

"We know how we lost the game: Offense, we didn't do too well. Special teams, we were terrible. Defense, we did terrible."

-- Broncos cornerback Chris Harris Jr., providing his own take on the game. (DenverBroncos.com)

HE'S NOT WRONG

"We are the team that people circle on the calendar"

-- San Francisco 49ers linebacker Eli Harold, bemoaning his team's reputation as the 49ers suffered another ugly loss, 41-23 to the New Orleans Saints.(Kevin Jones, KNBR)

BLATANTLY NOT WHAT HE SAID

"I think I said 'you're too good of a player to act like an ass.'"

-- Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan, recounting his sideline confrontation with Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman, who was controversially no-called for his hit on Bills kicker Dan Carpenter after he had already been flagged offside on the play. (SB Nation)

PUNISHMENTS FOR LATE HITS GETTING EXTREME

"I know what we do on the farm when a male can't control his own rage. #LuckyImNotThere #Sherman #ActLikeAnAnimalGetTreatedLike1"

-- Food blogger and the Bills kicker's wife Kaela Carpenter, suggesting castrating Sherman. (Pro Football Talk)

YES, YES YOU HAVE

"It just means I've been surrounded by tremendous coaches and teammates."

-- Texans quarterback Brock Osweiler, showing some appropriate modesty in relation to his 10-5 career #QBWINZ record. (Drew Dougherty, Texans TV)

A POLITICIAN'S RESPONSE

"Uhhhhhhh my numbers aren't where they need to be."

-- Houston Texans wide receiver DeAndre Hopkins, describing his "chemistry" with quarterback Brock Osweiler. (Philip Heilman, Jacksonville.com)

TRASH TALK GAME STRONG, ABSTRACT

"You ever tried to build a house with a screwdriver? (It's almost impossible)… Until the cabinets come… I'm a foundation builder. He's a cabinet… He's not even on my kids' level."

-- Baltimore Ravens wide receiver Steve Smith Sr., throwing some confusing shade on Pittsburgh Steelers safety (and former Carolina Panthers teammate) Mike Mitchell as the two faced off in the Ravens' 21-14 win over the Steelers last Sunday. (CSN Mid Atlantic)

FAMILIARITY BREEDS COMFORT

"(I) didn't expect to be 3-and-whatever we are, OK, but I'm not uncomfortable at all."

-- Los Angeles Rams head coach Jeff Fisher, coming to terms with the inevitability of the Rams putting up another #7-9bullsh-t season during his tenure. (Los Angeles Times)

"Todd's not getting enough carries… Our passing numbers were skewed."

-- Fisher, believing that the Rams' offensive woes are nothing to do with struggling quarterback Case Keenum but simply a result of not handing off enough to running back Todd Gurley for another 3.1 yards. (ESPN)

AS IT WAS FATED

"We have Irving-on-Erving crime going on."

-- Fox commentator Charles Davis, making an astute observation as Dallas Cowboys defensive end David Irving and Cleveland Browns center Cam Erving were both ejected for fighting, presumably over whose name is spelt better, during the opening quarter of the Cowboys' 35-10 win over the Browns. (MMQB)

*AWKWARD SILENCE*

"They are (looking at me under a microscope), but what am I going to change? My aggressiveness? My beastiality?"

-- Washington cornerback Josh Norman, not planning on having sex with any fewer animals despite being under heavy scrutiny around the league for his controversial play. (Ben Standig, Breaking Burgundy)

ARE WE WATCHING THE SAME GAMES?

"I can't fathom what a side judge would do all week to get better and make better calls on Sunday?… Look at the accuracy rate. It's pretty damn incredible. There's maybe 155 plays a game, with 10 significant decisions to be made on every one. And what's the accuracy -- maybe 96 percent?"

-- Former head of officiating and Fox analyst Mike Pereira, lobbying against full-time officiating in the NFL. (MMQB)

EXCEPT FOR MY GIRLFRIEND :'(

"Everybody is dirty a little bit."

-- New York Jets center Wesley Johnson, shrugging off the reputation of Miami Dolphins defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh as the Jets prepared to face the Dolphins last Sunday. (NJ.com)

YOU CAN'T TAKE IT FOR GRANTED ANYMORE

"You haven't been watching all year?"

-- Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer, responding to questions about the Vikings' decision to work out a few kickers this week in light of Blair Walsh's recent struggles. (ESPN)

"I told the players, if I can get six needles stuck in my eye in the last two weeks, they can suck it up for me."

-- Zimmer, asking for more effort out of his players as the Vikings look to halt a three-game losing skid on the road at Washington this Sunday. Zimmer underwent surgery for a torn retina during the week. (ESPN)

NOT THE ANALOGY I WOULD HAVE GONE WITH

"It's a great sandwich, it's just not available right now."

-- NFL Network analyst Shaun O'Hara, comparing injured/redundant Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo to, of all things, a McRib sandwich. (Brandon Bate, Turf Show Times, SB Nation)

TAP: DESTROY TARGET OFFENSIVE LINEMAN

"Anyone who returns the cards, I'll give two tickets to the next home game… I won't press any charges. I don't care. I just want my cards back… Other than God, family, and football, my Magic card collection is everything."

-- Seattle Seahawks defensive end Cassius Marsh, appealing for the safe return of his $20,000 Magic: The Gathering collection. (Seattle Times, Cassius Marsh, Twitter)

"Can't wait to rush this weekend tho! @seahawks coming through like Emrakul! #MTG @wizards_magic"

-- Marsh, seeking the strength of Eldrazi titan Emrakul as he looks forward to the Seahawks' next game against the New England Patriots on Sunday. (Cassius Marsh, Twitter)

NOT SURE IF YOU'VE HEARD BUT THEY GAVE UP A 3-1 LEAD

"SABAN WANTED THE INDIANS TO WIN."

-- LSU fan's sign seen on ESPN's College Gameday, accusing Alabama head coach Nick Saban of being on the wrong side of the Cleveland Indians-Chicago Cubs World Series. (SB Nation)

POUND THE ROCK, LIVE UNDER THE ROCK

"It was so important to me that I didn't even know it was happening… we're focused on other things here."

-- Saban, not realizing that there was a PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION on Tuesday. (ESPN)

ANGRY OLD MAN

"Go to hell. Get a job! Get a job!"

-- Cincinnati Bearcats head coach Tommy Tuberville, lashing out at a heckling fan after the Bearcats' latest loss, 20-3 to the BYU Cougars. (SB Nation)

OUR FIRST PHIL SIMMS QUOTE OF THE SEASON!

"Can they make the tackles? In other words, can they make the tackles?"

-- Former New York Giants quarterback and CBS commentator extraordinaire Phil Simms, wondering aloud about the quality of defenses during Sunday's encounter between the Green Bay Packers and the Indianapolis Colts. (Phil Simms Quotes, Twitter)

WEEK IN GIFS!

THROWING IN THE TOWEL

-- Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, getting ejected from the Chiefs' 19-14 win over the Jacksonville Jaguars for throwing his towel at an official after disagreeing with a no-call on defensive pass interference in the Jags' end zone.

"You can't do things that are ridiculous."

-- Chiefs head coach Andy Reid, providing some words of wisdom for Kelce. (The Kansas City Star)

THIS WAS A REAL PLAY

-- Pittsburgh Steelers kicker Chris Boswell, failing miserably at an attempted onside kickoff, Rabona style, late in the Steelers' 21-14 loss to the Baltimore Ravens.

EXCELLENT ROUTE RUNNER, BUT HOW ARE HIS HANDS?

-- A lil' woodland critter attempting the Lambeau Leap during the Green Bay Packers' 31-26 loss to the Indianapolis Colts.

"We have to respond better… get the crowd involved more than just the squirrel on the field."

-- Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers, not relishing the opportunity to throw to the pacey but undersized and furry new member of the team. (Packers.com)

ALL ABOARD THE HYPEMOBILE

-- Former Seattle Seahawks and California Golden Bears running back Marshawn Lynch, returning to his alma mater to recreate the moment he drove an injury cart around the field to celebrate a Bears win over the Washington Huskies in 2006, in order to mark that game's 10-year anniversary.

YEAH, BUT WAIT TILL HE'S WARMING UP WHILE DOWN BY THREE SCORES

Posted by: Rob Eves on 11 Nov 2016

14 comments, Last at 17 Nov 2016, 12:25pm by RBroPF

Comments

1
by Aaron Brooks Go... :: Fri, 11/11/2016 - 1:17pm

You know, if you got 3.1 yards per carry every time, you would score a TD + a 2-pt conversion on every drive.

2
by Rob Eves :: Fri, 11/11/2016 - 1:48pm

Yeah you're right, maybe Trent Richardson wasn't so bad after all! The mistake was not giving him the ball every single play

3
by Joe Pancake :: Fri, 11/11/2016 - 5:19pm

There was a college game Stanford versus Oregon a few years ago where this seemingly happened: http://www.sports-reference.com/cfb/boxscores/2013-11-07-stanford.html.

Stanford threw just 13 pass and ran the ball 66 times for 274 yards (4.1 Y/A). Their leading rusher, Matt Gaffney, went for 153 on 45 (!) carries. Just a 3.5 Y/A clip. Almost every play was a halfback power for three or four yards. Oregon, who was undefeated at the time, just couldn't stop it, and Stanford won 26-20.

5
by dbostedo :: Fri, 11/11/2016 - 8:06pm

You have a deep understanding the mind of Jeff Fisher.

4
by JohnxMorgan :: Fri, 11/11/2016 - 6:50pm

Josh Norman attended Lambeau for the Colts-Packers game.

Run little squirrel! Run! He's strong but he's not that fast.

6
by LionInAZ :: Fri, 11/11/2016 - 9:18pm

'Spelt' is not equal to 'spelled', unless you were born in the 18th century.

8
by Rob Eves :: Fri, 11/11/2016 - 10:19pm

...or you live outside the US

9
by JohnxMorgan :: Sat, 11/12/2016 - 1:30am

"Slating" clued me in that you're probably English.

I for one welcome as many Britishisms as possible. A moggie! An argy-bargy! Hell I'd even welcome Cockney rhyming slang.

10
by dbostedo :: Sat, 11/12/2016 - 9:26pm

Oh god... please not cockney rhyming slang. Randomly replacing words with other words or phrases simply because they rhyme is no way to go through life.

Now if the rhymes had some double entendre or were otherwise clever or related to the word they were replacing, I might be able to get behind it.

7
by tuluse :: Fri, 11/11/2016 - 10:05pm

Steve Smith is a national treasure.

11
by Guest789 :: Sun, 11/13/2016 - 1:30pm

Marshawn Lynch has, uh, put on a few pounds in retirement.

12
by Ryan :: Mon, 11/14/2016 - 12:54pm

Nobody truly believes that Nick Saban didn't know it was Election Day, right? Transparently disingenuous.

13
by rich006 :: Mon, 11/14/2016 - 1:59pm

I'll have the McClavicle meal.

Also, very fluid hips on that squirrel; he comes out of his cuts at full speed.

14
by RBroPF :: Thu, 11/17/2016 - 12:25pm

Thanks for this Rob. These are always fun, but this one was particularly good. You literally made me laugh out loud at least 3 times.