Writers of Pro Football Prospectus 2008

02 Dec 2005

Mailing in NFL's Week 13

Excellent Simmons this week, lots of good jokes, good observations, and very little Boston-centeric bias that will piss off those of you who root for the other 31 teams. He's dead on about those stupid "fantasy stats" scrolls that tell you which lame receiver has one catch for six yards. Whoopee. Bill's Bears bandwagon takes other step this week, as he suggests that they could even make it to the Super Bowl. It sounds ridiculous, but I was actually thinking about something this morning. In Super Bowl V, Johnny Unitas got injured and Earl Morrall came off the bench, leading a Colts team with a great defense to the championship. In Super Bowl VII, Don Shula benched Morrall and brought back Bob Griese, and he led a Dolphins team with a great defense to the championship. You see where I'm going with this, don't you?

Posted by: Aaron Schatz on 02 Dec 2005

19 comments, Last at 04 Dec 2005, 4:32am by TomC


by B (not verified) :: Fri, 12/02/2005 - 6:17pm

My theory on the Bears path to the superbowl:
1) Bears secure #2 seed and first round bye.
2) Bears crush divisional opponent at home in windy, cold soldier field.
3) Bears travel to Seattle. Bears defense keeps Alexander in check, forcing Hasslebeck to carry the team. Hasslebeck, up by a touchdown early in the 3rd quarter, with crowd on it's feet, throws a pick. Suddenly the air is taken out of the stadium as gunshy 'Hawks fans start having flashbacks of previous Seattle collapses. Chicago gets a fieldgoal (down by 4). Hassleback gets hit in the backfield and coughs up the ball, easy touchdown for Chicago. Now the home-crowd is openly booing a rattled hasslebeck, who struggles to lead his team to victory, but a late pick in the end-zone seals a Chicago victory.
4) Chicago then travels to Detroit and gets creamed by the Colts (So much for the Cinderella story, but it was nice while it lasted.)

by CJ (not verified) :: Fri, 12/02/2005 - 6:34pm

As a Bears fan, I like B's scenario, except for #4. Maybe the Jags or Chargers will upset the Colts in the AFC championship the way the Pats did to the Dolphins, clearing the way for the '85 Bears.

by Michael David Smith :: Fri, 12/02/2005 - 6:40pm

Yeah, I've often wondered what would've happened to the '85 Bears if the Dolphins had gone to the Super Bowl. Marino's quick-release style was exactly the type of thing that tended to do damage to Buddy Ryan's defenses. I still think the Bears were going to win the Super Bowl no matter what that year, but the Dolphins would have at least made a game of it.

by Drew (not verified) :: Fri, 12/02/2005 - 6:56pm

He wasted his Boston-centric reference on hockey. I remember seeing "Thornton traded to Sharks" on the ticker on ESPNews the other day and thinking, "who is 'Thornton'?"

I like the McGraw bit. I like it, I love it.

by Joon (not verified) :: Fri, 12/02/2005 - 6:57pm

did anybody else read simmons' parody of the SNF crew eulogizing pat morita and then think, "boy, adam's sketches are usually funnier than that"? because i sure did, and now i'm in kind of a weird place.

by Tim Gerheim :: Fri, 12/02/2005 - 7:07pm

How about his Boston reference about the Real World? I don't even watch the show, and I've only lived in NE for 4 years, but I laughed and laughed at that one. Then I read it again and laughed and laughed again.

Joon, I think I agree with you. Clearly the SNF guys can only talk football. It must drive their wives crazy.

by Joon (not verified) :: Fri, 12/02/2005 - 7:20pm

whoa. i was re-reading these lines and noticed this:

Bucs (+3.5) over SAINTS

for real? the saints are favored?? this must be a typo.

by Matthew Furtek (not verified) :: Fri, 12/02/2005 - 8:15pm

Simmons never explains why he hates the Redskins. Just seems like he picks against them and has nothing to say... not even about that crazy Clinton Portis...

by Richie (not verified) :: Fri, 12/02/2005 - 9:08pm

He’s dead on about those stupid “fantasy stats� scrolls that tell you which lame receiver has one catch for six yards.

We get a lot more info in the scrolls now than we used to. It used to be the 10 minute ticker, and they would pop up a little scroll with scores and one stat line per game. I always loved it when they would say "Elam, 32-yard FG" when the score of the game is Denver 31, San Diego 24.

by Murr (not verified) :: Fri, 12/02/2005 - 9:40pm


Umm, actually - he picked the Skins this week. Guess you missed that.

Oh - and Clinton Portis isn't funny. (Of course, if you meant "crazy" as in "clinically insane", then okay - I might be there with ya..)

by calig23 (not verified) :: Fri, 12/02/2005 - 11:03pm


My first thought was: Geez, Simmons can't even do his own material now? He is a hack!

by Björn (not verified) :: Fri, 12/02/2005 - 11:14pm

RE: #4

Well, he IS the Sports Guy, and Thornton for Sturm, Stuart, and Primeau might be one of the biggest trades in Bruins history.

by Ben Roethlisberger (not verified) :: Sat, 12/03/2005 - 1:53am

The best quote was: "Harrington gunned down Millen in the locker room" to open McGraw's second stanza. That one just about choked me.

by Ted (not verified) :: Sat, 12/03/2005 - 8:10am

Re #7,
Yeah that's crazy. Even crazier is that the 49ers are favourites this week. Yes, they are playing at home and the Cardinals do suck (although the recent Kurt Warner redemption is intriguing) but the Niners shouldn't even be favoured over a high school team if the Alex Smith Experience is involved.

by Igor (not verified) :: Sat, 12/03/2005 - 4:02pm

thanks a lot #13, now the song will be in my head for two hours

by Phil (not verified) :: Sat, 12/03/2005 - 6:39pm

RE: #11

Actually, simmons was making fun of the SNF crew long before Adam or anybody else.

by CaffeineMan (not verified) :: Sat, 12/03/2005 - 8:50pm

Re: #6, Boston character in "Real World". Yeah, I was dyin' reading that. Best. Simmons. Paragraph. Ever.

by FastEddy (not verified) :: Sun, 12/04/2005 - 12:43am
by TomC (not verified) :: Sun, 12/04/2005 - 4:32am

Speaking as someone who lost $1600 making the same mistake: Bill, it's the Lincoln-Douglas (one 's') debate. The two-'s' Douglass wasn't a senator and had much cooler hair.