Writers of Pro Football Prospectus 2008

15 Feb 2009

Do Not Deprive Jeff Reed Of Towels

Based on his Guy Fieri hairdo alone, Pittsburgh's Jeff Reed was already one of the most consistently entertaining kickers in the league. Now comes word that during a trip to a Pennsylvania convenience store at about 3 a.m., Reed discovered that the paper towel dispenser was empty. He responded by destroying said dispenser and cursing out the attendant. He's facing potential penalties of up to $300 in fines and -- seriously -- 90 days in jail.

So who should play Jeff Reed in the Jeff Reed movie? Johnny Knoxville? Adam Sandler? (He could redo the "lonesome kicker" song for the soundtrack.)

Posted by: Vincent Verhei on 15 Feb 2009

24 comments, Last at 18 Feb 2009, 9:54am by Dean


by Key19 :: Sun, 02/15/2009 - 2:10am

I think it would be utterly hilarious if he ended up getting suspended a game for this. My money is that he'd be the first and last kicker to ever be suspended by the NFL. If he gets 90 days in jail, I actually wouldn't be surprised by a suspension. Still not sure if the league would actually do it though. I mean, he is a first offender. And it is, well, a paper towel dispenser. I dunno. Seems a little too silly to me to merit a suspension, but you never know. Fine from the team/league is more likely I think.

by Joe T. (not verified) :: Sun, 02/15/2009 - 2:40am

Must have been one Terrible Towel dispenser.

by billycurley :: Sun, 02/15/2009 - 10:56am


by MC2 :: Sun, 02/15/2009 - 11:50am

I think Janikowski was once given a one-game suspension for getting into a brawl at a bar, but I'm not sure. It may have only been a large fine.

by Israel P. - Jerusalem (not verified) :: Sun, 02/15/2009 - 5:16am

On one hand, that's something that many of us would liked to have done on occasion, so it's hard to come down hard on him.

On the other hand, Mr Rooney would be in character if he ignores the violation itself and simply thinks in terms of the perceptions regarding the black receiver vs that of the white kicker.

What will Jason Whitlock say?

by BucNasty :: Sun, 02/15/2009 - 12:16pm


by Independent George :: Sun, 02/15/2009 - 1:48pm

Is this story only funny because he's a kicker? I get the feeling if he were a linebacker, we'd be calling him a thug, a prima donna, a menace. To me, this is a bigger issue than if somebody gets caught with 2 oz. of marijuana on him.

Throw him in jail, suspend him for 2 games, and give him a change of diapers and a pacifier when he comes back.

by Wait, what? (not verified) :: Sun, 02/15/2009 - 2:46pm

I think any amusing quotient it has is based on the fact that:

a) Jeff Reed, kicker or not, is not known for this sort of thing (if it were Pacman, we'd just groan and say we're tired of hearing about him)

b) causing property damage based on there not being any towels is kind of silly

I expect Reed ends up paying a fine (civil, not NFL), and that's the end of it. Does the league have a habit of suspending players for traffic tickets? That's roughly the level of offense we're talking about.

by doctorjorts :: Sun, 02/15/2009 - 4:03pm

I disagree. Legally, the penalties are the same, but in terms of what it says about a person's character it's completely different.

by shake n bake :: Sun, 02/15/2009 - 6:52pm

He's not known for violent outbursts, but he's had some less than flattering appearances on deadspin (I'll let someone else dig up the link to pics of him shirtless in clubs and his junk).

by Hacksaw Jim Duggan (not verified) :: Sun, 02/15/2009 - 7:33pm

Our prisons are already operating at more than 100% capacity because of arcane drug laws and near-sighted politicians, but we should start cracking down on disorderly conduct citations?!?!

by TTP (not verified) :: Sun, 02/15/2009 - 6:41pm

"You can't freeze a psychopath."

Mike Tomlin, to Jeff Reed after he kicked the game winning FG against the Baltimore Ravens. Raven's coach John Harbaugh had called a timeout to try to "ice" Reed.

Tomlin may have been on to something.

by Justin Zeth :: Sun, 02/15/2009 - 7:27pm

Heh. I go to that Sheetz regularly, and the paper towel dispenser in there IS (or was, I guess) chronically empty... I also worked for Sheetz back in the day in State College and I can attest that this isn't really terribly unusual behavior for big drunk guys. (I presume since this happened at 3 AM that Mr. Reed was thoroughly inebriated.)

by Ben Stuplisberger :: Mon, 02/16/2009 - 2:54pm

Try working at Ye Old College dinner, night shift. You don't know what people can do... You don't want to know.

by Martial (not verified) :: Sun, 02/15/2009 - 9:42pm

Um, strange outbursts of rage at inconsequential things = Sauerbrun has company.

by Yaxley :: Sun, 02/15/2009 - 10:41pm

That Sheetz is only about 30 miles from where I am. If I drive there, do you think they'll have the broken towel dispenser still on the wall, maybe with a sign that says, "Jeff Reed smashed me!" ? It'd be kind of a tourist attraction. I mean, heck, I'm thinking about going there right now.

by Kurt (a different one) (not verified) :: Mon, 02/16/2009 - 11:19am

All they need to do is announce that the smashed towel dispenser now miraculously contains the image of Chuck Noll and they'll have a major shrine/tourist attraction on their hands... :p

- Kurt

by The Anti-Dave (not verified) :: Mon, 02/16/2009 - 1:18pm

That's why Towelie says always bring a towel

by Ben Stuplisberger :: Mon, 02/16/2009 - 2:55pm

Kickers don't need steroids? Jeff Reed doesn't think so.

by MJK :: Tue, 02/17/2009 - 12:45pm

To me the issue is not the "destroying the towel dispenser" part, it's the "cursing out the attendent" bit. If he said something like "you f***ing moron, there's no towels there", that's one thing, but if he was aggressive and intimidating, that technically qualifies as assault (to be guilty of assault, all you have to do is make someone afraid of you...if you actually hit them it's assault and battery). Especially because NFL players are typically bigger than everyone else...

Oh, wait, he was a kicker. Never mind.

Seriously though, that could be one reason why people would be making a bigger deal if he as a linebacker. If I (5'11", 150 lbs) start swearing at a convenience store attendant and damage a towel dispenser, I'm just some punk throwing a tantrum. If someone Shaq sized does the exact same things, then it could be construed as assault, just because of the person's size and intimidation. The fact that Reed wasn't charged with assault implies that this was no big deal.

by Ben Stuplisberger :: Wed, 02/18/2009 - 1:34am

Reed is 5'11" 225. He is about as wide as he is tall. I think he would be intimidating.

by Dean (not verified) :: Wed, 02/18/2009 - 9:54am

Not with that haircut. Is he Tweak's long lost brother? Or is he a misplaced refugee from newjerseyguidos.com?

by Dean (not verified) :: Tue, 02/17/2009 - 4:15pm

What do you expect from an idiot kicker?

by Dean (not verified) :: Tue, 02/17/2009 - 5:29pm

Looks like the satirists (is that a word?) are already on top of this.