Writers of Pro Football Prospectus 2008

05 Oct 2012

NFL Lowdown: Week 5

Pottery shards, phase displacement helmets, Gerald Riggs, old ladies that swallow flies, and a palpable sense of betrayal that Gary Kubiak would overuse a running back after we named a projection system after him.

Posted by: Mike Tanier on 05 Oct 2012

54 comments, Last at 08 Oct 2012, 7:29pm by galactic_dev


by dryheat :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 8:10am

Mike, if you check comments on here, in my opinion that was your best column top to bottom. I don't know what's above the A-game, but you had it there. Although as a nit-pick, Gaffney has nothing on his resume approaching McGinley's success on Married.

by DavidL :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 10:20am

Not so! Gaffney became briefly well-known when he was a role player in an enormously successful effort that was largely carried by other people who were making him look good by association.

by nuk :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 7:10pm

McGinley did a good job on MWC. But he was no David Garrison.

by JoeyHarringtonsPiano :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 9:18am

Despite (or perhaps because of) the fact that I had to go to wikipedia a couple times to look up the pop culture references, this was one of your better columns.

And the NFL does need a scurvy awareness week. Perhaps the league can commemorate it by having an 18th century Royal Navy sailor calling the coin toss for the sunday night game.

-I'm not Billy Bad-Ass.

by Karl Cuba :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 10:20am

I hate to pick a nit old chum but you should really say an early 18th century Royal Navy sailor. The Limey epithet derives from James Lind's discovery of the beneficial effects of citric juice against scurvy in 1747, as I'm sure you knew.

by JoeyHarringtonsPiano :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 10:56am

I was aware, but didn't know the exact year. I think a mid-18th century Royal Navy Sailor would do just fine, as he can march out to midfield wearing a T-shirt that says, "I survived scurvy!"

-I'm not Billy Bad-Ass.

by Karl Cuba :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 12:19pm

You're right, I think his three toothed grin would warm the crowd's hearts while he waved his fingernail-less hands.

by Aaron Brooks Go... :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 9:22am

Who plays a bard?

by RickD :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 10:23am

More to the point, who plays a Lawful Good bard?

Baylen Brees, apparently.

by JoeyHarringtonsPiano :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 10:54am

I for one, prefer my Bards Chaotic Neutral.

-I'm not Billy Bad-Ass.

by BigCheese :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 3:10pm

Is there ANY other way to play a bard?

- Alvaro

Phil Simms is to analysts what Ryan Leaf is to NFL QBs

by Aaron Brooks Go... :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 4:26pm

I suppose you could play a true neutral bard, but the ennui might kill you.

by Karl Cuba :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 5:19pm


by bravehoptoad :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 11:04am

Mostly girls, who somehow manage to roll really low hit points, die to the first kobold they meet, and re-roll another bard.

by mkosteva@gmail.com :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 11:06am

"cheaters", mostly, because actually getting to *be* a bard was so impossible (due to stats, and dual classing). Hell, I saw more psionic characters than bards, and they never came by it legit ("I swear I rolled 00 while you weren't looking!")

I might be showing my age, though, and definitely my edition preference.

by Independent George :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 11:30am

This about sums it up. This one, too.

by batbatt :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 1:21pm

The first thought that popped into my head was the Gamers-Dorkness Rising and the mound of dead bards...

by Mike Tanier :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 1:42pm

I generally played neutral good or chaotic good bards, as every team needed a swiss army knife character and I was usually the most experienced player at the table.

The few girls who played D&D by the time I ran a gaming club for high schoolers were Rangers because of the LOTR movies (usually elf rangers). Now, thanks to Hunger Games, I am guessing that if any girls in the universe play D&D, they are rangers.

But it would be irresponsible to make Brees' kids anything other than Lawful Good.

by galactic_dev :: Mon, 10/08/2012 - 7:26pm

I hope all you dorks have seen this episode of Community where they play AD&D:

by Briguy :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 11:51am

I ALWAYS played a bard. Lawful good, though? Was that even allowed?

by dryheat :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 11:54am

I'm a Paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points. I can use my Helm of Disintegration and do 1D4 damage as my half elf mage weilds his plus 5 Holy Avenger

by tuluse :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 12:29pm

I don't think there are any alignment restrictions on bards, but who plays lawful good at all?

by Anonymous (not verified) (not verified) :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 2:39pm


As someone stated, lawful good usually should be "lawful stupid".

by dryheat :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 3:07pm

See, and I have a bigger problem with the "lawful" part.

by dryheat :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 3:08pm


by tuluse :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 3:11pm

Yeah, but who wants to pick a class where you have to be lawful good :)

by Karl Cuba :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 5:20pm

Guys, I think your nerds are showing.

by DGL :: Sun, 10/07/2012 - 1:14am

In the first edition AD&D (and anything after that is just money-grubbing lunacy), bards had to be neutral on at least one axis, so no, a Lawful Good bard was not allowed.

And not only is my nerd showing, but also my age.

by Aaron Brooks Go... :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 4:30pm

Inquisitioners considered themselves to be "lawful good."

Let the possibilities sink in.

by TimK :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 5:57pm

Yes, without a good GM to enforce alignments things can go bad pretty fast.

Though the idea of everyone having a declared class & alignment could be fun - at least until the alignment police come for you... and you would have to wonder if someone could really be chaotic evil if they actually filled in the form truthfully.

(As a strange real-life example, the guy at school who played a paladin when we were basing stats on ourselves later became an ordained priest - not sure what it says about either of us that he gave me all his books when he had decided gaming was sinful, maybe he considered me too far gone already?).

by Karl Cuba :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 10:14am

I concur with the previous posters, that was a great read. Tanier seems to be hitting his stride in his new job, the biblical Giants bit was superb.

by justanothersteve :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 10:46am

As I once had to take someone to the emergency room due to a hot Pop Tart injury, I was relieved to find out Jonathan Dwyer was only being skewered by Mr Tanier.

by JoeyHarringtonsPiano :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 11:01am

A pop tart burn might be a problem for a quarterback more than a running back, and would certainly be the silliest injury since Brian Griese tripped over his dog.

-I'm not Billy Bad-Ass.

by mkosteva@gmail.com :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 11:08am

Chris Hanson, the original KCW "winner" might disagree with you.

by JoeyHarringtonsPiano :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 11:42am

Double post, nothing to see here.

by JoeyHarringtonsPiano :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 11:42am

Oh wow, I can't believe I forgot about that. But I guess tripping over your dog and burning your hand on a poptart can happen to regular people. Maiming yourself with an axe...not so much.

-I'm not Billy Bad-Ass.

by Independent George :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 1:21pm

I actually remain skeptical of the Pop Tart injury. That sounds like a cover story for something much more embarrassing, and possibly felonious.

by tuluse :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 1:46pm

But you believe tripping over a dog?

by Independent George :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 1:52pm

Well, yeah. I trip over my dog at least three times each week. She's a sneaky one, she is.

by tuluse :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 2:05pm

How often have you broken a bone because of this?

by TimK :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 5:44pm

Black cat, dark morning, steep stairs... broken scaphoid.

Not quite as embarrassing as the time I snapped the tendon in my index finger putting on a coat, but close. What is _really_ sad is that I was sober on both occasions...

by dryheat :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 2:22pm

Didn't it come out that he was actually sucker-punched by a teammate at a party? Or do I just want to believe this?

by JoeyHarringtonsPiano :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 5:39pm

Maybe you're confusing Brian Griese with a drunken Kerry Collins?

-I'm not Billy Bad-Ass.

by The Hypno-Toad :: Sun, 10/07/2012 - 8:44pm

Not so much "sucker-punched" as "beat the hell down for trying to pick up another player's girlfriend at a party at Terrell Davis's house." Unless that was the time that he "fell down in the driveway." I can't keep Griese's fake sounding injuries straight.
Ah, after some cursory googling, I see the one where his teammates beat him up was the fell down in the driveway story.
I don't remember there being a more sinister explanation for the dog-related injury.

by dryheat :: Sun, 10/07/2012 - 10:02pm

Huh. That seems more of a Cade McNown injury to me.

by The Hypno-Toad :: Sun, 10/07/2012 - 10:15pm

I very much doubt that Brian Griese holds the exclusive rights to this sort of injury among NFL players/former big men on campus with occasional drinking problems.

by JoeyHarringtonsPiano :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 2:22pm

If Mikel Leshoure were ever to be listed as "questionable" for a game due to a poptart burn injury, my first thought be "dude forgot to use a roach clip, didn't he?"

-I'm not Billy Bad-Ass.

by justanothersteve :: Sun, 10/07/2012 - 1:04am

I don't know if any NFL player has had a Pop Tart injury. However, I do remember taking a friend to the emergency room after his Pop Tart broke in half and trying to catch it with the other hand. The hot filling filled his palm causing the biggest water blister I've ever seen.

by dryheat :: Sun, 10/07/2012 - 9:57am

I think that in pretty much any dropped object case, far less damage is done by just letting it fall.

by galactic_dev :: Mon, 10/08/2012 - 7:29pm

I hate pop tarts. I've hated them since I was 5, when pop tarts killed my dad.

by specq (not verified) :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 11:10am

Oh sure, President Kluwe sounds like a good idea now, but just wait until the Tripping Icarus Manditory Airplay Amendment.

by Independent George :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 11:38am

Oh man... The Mario Williams theory is golden. The universe makes sense to me now!

by Nathan :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 1:41pm

Amazing Ted McGinley reference.

by TheSlinger :: Fri, 10/05/2012 - 8:45pm

Normally I'd roll my eyes at the Bears-Jaguars section not mentioning the Jags, but at this point that's probably a kindness.