Writers of Pro Football Prospectus 2008

01 Apr 2013

Mandatory Monday: The Hundred Trillion Scouting Report

Mike Tanier has written every single scouting report you will ever need for the NFL Draft. Not an April Fools' joke!

Posted by: Mike Tanier on 01 Apr 2013

11 comments, Last at 07 Apr 2013, 2:43pm by Duke


by justanothersteve :: Mon, 04/01/2013 - 11:26am

I think it's only a matter of time before some color guy starts talking about fontanelles in a zone. (I'm betting Collinsworth, since Dennis Miller is no longer an option.)

by Aaron Brooks Go... :: Mon, 04/01/2013 - 1:12pm

The good news, is that as a cornerback gains experience, the fontanelles in his zone shrink in size.

by Insancipitory :: Mon, 04/01/2013 - 11:49am

'Body sculpted out of Olive Garden breadsticks' reminds me of John Moffitt. And a 227 reference was as unexpected as it was saucy.

by Duke :: Sun, 04/07/2013 - 2:43pm

227 reference? Why did I read this comment first? Now I've ruined the surprise!

by Ryan D. :: Mon, 04/01/2013 - 1:26pm

Mike, there were some absolute gems in every category. Some categories had 2 or 3 that made it very hard to choose. However, I have assembled the PERFECT PROSPECT, or "A One in a Hundred Trillion Find":

"Played one year at a major program after transferring from a "junior college" to get his "grades" up after failing to meet "NCAA requirements" by attending "classes" and "learning things.""

"Spent 11 years in the Yankees organization and compiled a 7.67 ERA before suddenly discovering a passion for football."

"Dolloped from Hellmann's."

"Sneaky fast (white guy)." (matches the line above perfectly)

"Runs downhill, which will make him ideally suited for negotiating the sinkhole in the middle of FedEx field"

"Takes bad angles, like 666 degrees, or eleventeen pi radians."

"Fundamentally sound tackler who misses too many tackles and does not always tackle correctly." (sounds like Te'o in the BCS title game)

"Started his career as a zebra receiver on offense, then moved to the elephant position on defense, when he slid from the tiger slot over to the wombat technique. Figures to be a specialist in a safari."

"Did not attend pro day, as he is still not allowed with 60 miles of campus due to an NCAA violation involving a game jersey, an eyebrow piercing and a $25 gift certificate to Burrito Cantina."

"If he plays like he did in the highlight reel his stepbrother posted on YouTube, he will be special, and he will spend his whole life with "Take it to Da House" by Trick Daddy playing in the background."

"Hard-nosed blue collar type. (Two guesses the ethnicity.)"

"Somewhere between a C+-minus and a high low B-minus plus."

"Joe Montana, after eating Jim Brown's still-beating heart dipped in Jack Lambert's sweat."

This sounds like the kind of guy that Cleveland would have available to take number 1 overall, only to inexplicably trade the pick to Jacksonville, who would promptly draft a backup punter.

The Patriots would then get this guy at number 2 overall after getting a future 1st round pick from Marty Hurney in exchange for a late 3rd round pick in last season's draft (used on a project QB to be turned into a miserable failure of WR/KR that no one else would have drafted before the 7th round) and a future 6th round pick that Hurney wouldn't be around to make use of.

Cleveland probably still did the right thing though. If Cleveland had drafted this hypothetical prospect, he probably would have held out for an entire season. The following year, he would be drafted by the Cardinals, where he would promptly suffer a career ending injury behind their offensive line composed entirely of 4 backup pass-catching tight ends and a third-string special teams fullback.

by justanothersteve :: Mon, 04/01/2013 - 4:32pm

As a Packers fan, I have to admit my favorite was: "Low-priority practice squad filler. (Future Packers starting running back.)"

The dig at UW, "Played offense for Wisconsin, where innovation has stood perfectly still since 1977" is also funny, though you could have put down any year since about 1925 and still been right on the mark. In order to find innovation at Camp Randall, you have to look to the stands (and the marching band).

by Bobman :: Mon, 04/01/2013 - 2:32pm

Another gem from MT. Too many favorites to list, but loved "Uses blubber well and has multiple words for snow" Ran the River Jordan, and Jack Lambert's sweat. I hope, really hope to see some of these in future draft analyses.

by Kevin from Philly :: Tue, 04/02/2013 - 9:17am

I had fifthintery once. Drank out of a creek on a camping trip. Nasty.

by Noah Arkadia :: Tue, 04/02/2013 - 4:03pm

Made me laugh a lot. My favorite team definitely needs more wombat technique LBs.

Another favorite: The type of athlete scouts fall in love with, but coaches despise.

FO posters are a peacock. You got to let us fly!

by Theo :: Wed, 04/03/2013 - 5:42am

No love for the "off the charts intangibles"?
Ok, here we go:

by Ryan D. :: Wed, 04/03/2013 - 8:44am

I always think of this when I hear about intangibles: