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19 Mar 2012

Walkthrough: Miami Rhapsody

by Mike Tanier

SECRETARY: Mister Ireland, your 2 p.m. appointment is in the lobby. How was your liverwurst-and-onion sandwich?

IRELAND: Not quite enough Tallegio. So who is this kid I am interviewing?

SECRETARY: Alex Smith, sir. He led the 49ers to the NFC Championship Game. He is just about the only quarterback on the market we haven’t ... dissuaded yet, sir.

IRELAND: I remember now. Send him in.

ALEX SMITH: Good afternoon, Mr. Smith!

IRELAND: Alan! Welcome to Miami! Can I offer you a drink? Tap water?

ALEX SMITH: No thanks, sir. And it’s "Alex." Thanks for welcoming me to Miami, but I could not help noticing the song that played over and over again in the lobby.

IRELAND: The Will Smith song? It’s great, isn’t it? We have it piped through the whole building. Really reminds us of where we are. It improves morale, too. We had a few suicide threats when we first started playing it around the clock, but since we increased the volume we haven’t heard a peep from those employees. It has a great beat, and it really gets the pelvis moving when you are feeling worn down at midday. See?

ALEX SMITH: Mr. Ireland, please stop thrusting! I want to tell you about my situation. I have been an on-and-off starting quarterback for years, click click clickety-click-click, and last year I finally had the kind of season I feel represents my abilities, clickety-clickety-click click click clickety-click-click. Wait, where was I? Clickety-click Oh yeah, I had a great year, but the 49ers decided to pursue Peyton Manning, so I can’t sit on my hands and clickety-clickety-clickety click click clickety-click-click, MR. IRELAND WILL YOU PLEASE STOP CLICKING THAT PEN?

IRELAND: Oh sorry, I never notice I am doing it. So you got run over in the Manning Derby. That must have made you feel incredibly small and valueless, right? After years of working hard for one franchise, you must feel disrespected, and frankly a little desperate because most of the other teams in the NFL have solved their quarterback situations.

ALEX SMITH: Why else would I be here?

IRELAND: Well, you came to the right place. Manning turned us down, of course. He refused to meet us here at headquarters because of the mosquito infestation. You sprayed yourself, right? All over, crotch too? They can bite right through denim. Anyway, we thought we had Matt Flynn on the hook, so we offered him league minimum. After all, who would not want to make less money than he is worth to work with his own coach for a franchise that has a reputation of ruining the careers of quarterbacks for the last decade? Anyway, the greedy kid signed with Seattle. That’s the problem with you quarterbacks, always following the money and good opportunities.

So we found ourselves with no options and no plan, and after trading our best wide receiver, we said to ourselves, hey, what’s Albert Smith up to? So that’s our sales pitch. What do you think?

ALEX SMITH: I ... have to think about it.

IRELAND: Right. You have to "think about it." You "need more time." You "need to visit the Seahawks before you make a decision." You don’t think I know what that means? Is this how you treat people who invite you to Miami for the weekend? I had expectations, Alfred. Take all the time you need to "think about it." The Dolphins are moving on.

ALEX SMITH: My God, you are completely bonkers. What kind of immature, money-grubbing goof-off could thrive in an organization like this?

REGGIE BUSH: Good morning, Mister Ireland! Working hard or hardly working?

IRELAND: Reggie, you card! Show this selfish jerk his way out.

REGGIE BUSH: Sure thing, boss. But aren’t you worried that we will be stuck without a quarterback this year?

IRELAND: Nope. Somewhere, there is an overrated backup we can trade a second-round pick for. Somewhere, a noted offensive mastermind like Norv Turner or Andy Reid is grooming some unremarkable quarterback that we can sign for too much money and promote as a "finished product" in the media guide.

SECRETARY: Sorry to interrupt, sir, but Charlie Whitehurst and Kevin Kolb both signed contracts with other teams.

IRELAND: NOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Posted by: Mike Tanier on 19 Mar 2012

29 comments, Last at 22 Mar 2012, 3:13pm by Richie


by bingo762 :: Mon, 03/19/2012 - 11:25am

Vince Young to Miami?

by Jeff Ireland (not verified) :: Mon, 03/19/2012 - 11:27am

Get me Mike Kafka!

by johonny (not verified) :: Mon, 03/19/2012 - 11:44am

I think people are more looking at the owner not the GM as to the reason why people aren't heading to Miami.

by FrontRunningPhinsFan :: Mon, 03/19/2012 - 12:02pm

I assure you its both. I have a hope that once they get rid of Jeff Ireland things might change. Maybe hire a GM who says to Ross he wants complete control of all football decisions and won't take any input from Ross. I know. It's a pipe dream.

Not to poo-poo the skit but Reggie Bush and Alex Smith were high school teammates. They'd know each other.

Maybe Ireland is only pursuing Smith as means to get their high school coach lined up for when Philbin resigns in the next 2-3 months.

by are-tee :: Mon, 03/19/2012 - 11:45am

Mark Brunell is also on the market...

by Ryan D. (not verified) :: Mon, 03/19/2012 - 11:45am

South Beach almost seems perfect for Matt Leinart, doesn't it?

by Phil Osopher :: Mon, 03/19/2012 - 12:49pm

Vince Young in South Beach = Epic internetz ORILY level awesome.

Make this happen, Jefe Ireland

“You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.”
-Albert Einstein

"Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers"

by Sophandros :: Mon, 03/19/2012 - 1:04pm

Fun fact: Bush and Smith were team mates in high school.

Sports talk radio and sports message boards are the killing fields of intellectual discourse.

by raorao (not verified) :: Mon, 03/19/2012 - 1:12pm

Wait, a NFL parody where Alex Smith isn't the punchline? I don't even know what to believe anymore.

by Rafi89 :: Mon, 03/19/2012 - 1:13pm

Trade for Tim Tebow with Dennis Dixon signed as his backup.

by ebongreen :: Mon, 03/19/2012 - 1:18pm

I've gotta ask, from an outsider's perspective: WTF is Miami's problem?

Is Jeff Ireland really the NFL's biggest jerk GM? 'Cause I gotta say, he's got some tough competition in the team-mismanagement derby. Is he a total skinflint when contracts come due? Does he suffer from the heartbreak of psoriasis?

Is it someone or something else? What what what?

by Kevin from Philly :: Mon, 03/19/2012 - 4:28pm

Started to think you were going R. Lee Ermey for a second.

by Junior :: Mon, 03/19/2012 - 5:21pm

Is Ireland the guy that asked Dez Bryant if his mother was a whore a couple of years ago? Maybe that's his opening line with everyone. "Welcome to Miami. Say, was your mother a whore?"

by akn :: Mon, 03/19/2012 - 7:00pm

Maybe Ireland cares more about getting laid than wooing free agents.

by johonny (not verified) :: Tue, 03/20/2012 - 6:36pm

Ireland has an owner that changes the teams philosophy every 1 to 2 seasons. He's been good at protecting his job, but once again that type of environment creates a ton of ex-player, coaches, front office people all more than happy to say a negative word. I think Ireland has drafted ok and done ok in free agency given the owner. This off season the Dolphins resigned their NT for a good price, grabbed a nice CB and picked up a serviceable QB to compete with Moore. It's not exciting, it isn't going to take them past their usual 7-9, but I it appears to be about the best the team can do right now. It as not like he's running the team through year after year of 2-14. To survive in Miami you apparently have to be a lot like Ireland personality wise. Until a new owner comes I see no reason 1-2 years from now we won't be talking new QB, new offensive coordinator, new defense coordinator etc...

by justanothersteve :: Mon, 03/19/2012 - 1:43pm

Now that even Matt Flynn turned down Miami, maybe Philbin could convince them to trade for Graham Harrell.

by Felton (not verified) :: Mon, 03/19/2012 - 2:37pm

Is Roman Gabriel available?

by BaronFoobarstein :: Mon, 03/19/2012 - 5:01pm

220 million over 9 years. 100 million guaranteed. Denis Dixon.

by BCSJ (not verified) :: Mon, 03/19/2012 - 10:17pm

Writing as a Patriots fan going back to the Ron Erhardt and Rod Rust eras, there is no amount of Miami incompetence that qualifies as "enough". This franchise beat us up & down year after year. I don't enjoy watching my fellow man suffer, unless he works for the Dolphins (or the Yankees).

by big_jgke :: Tue, 03/20/2012 - 3:43pm

Without Ireland calling Alex Smith's mom a whore, this whole thing smacks of inauthenticity.

by Hurt Bones :: Tue, 03/20/2012 - 5:21pm

Maybe something more like:

JEFF IRELAND: Say Alex, have a few background questions for you. Purely routine. When you were in the backyard throwing the pigskin with your dad, was there ever the faint aroma of Sambucus nigra?

by junque21 (not verified) :: Tue, 03/20/2012 - 4:59pm

Where is the 'is your mom a ho??' line?

Guss peyton, matt... all ho's for moms :))

by Topas :: Tue, 03/20/2012 - 6:18pm

> That’s the problem with you quarterbacks, always following the money and good opportunities.

Rofl. Awesome. Great line.

by justanothersteve :: Wed, 03/21/2012 - 8:51am

Heard this on Monday's Green and Gold Today podcast: Ireland hasn't looked this bad since the potato famine.

by Richie :: Wed, 03/21/2012 - 7:03pm

Did the Dolphins ever officially offer Flynn a contract? Maybe coach Philbin (the man who probably knows Flynn's abilities the best) decided that he didn't want to hitch his coaching career to Flynn.

Maybe Ireland didn't want to give a boatload of money to Manning in order for him to play a few subpar career twilight years with the team only to put them in the same QB situation.

Maybe Ireland didn't want to pay Andrew Smith a bunch of money, since he was mostly, you know, a crappy QB for the past 6 years.

Maybe Ireland felt that there was no sense in going crazy for any of these QB options this year, because he didn't think any of them was much better than Matt Moore.

Everybody is trashing Ireland/Miami, but there is a chance a chance that they know what they are doing.

by Bob M (not verified) :: Thu, 03/22/2012 - 2:08pm

Then why bring guys in to interview them in the first place?

by Richie :: Thu, 03/22/2012 - 3:13pm

I think you need to at least explore the possibility, determine how much money they want, etc.

by Richie :: Wed, 03/21/2012 - 7:50pm

BTW, I did laugh at the original article above.

by Bob M (not verified) :: Thu, 03/22/2012 - 2:07pm

There is a reason Bill Parcells ran as fast as he could outta Miami.