compiled by Rory Hickey

TIM TEBOW CAN TURN WHINE INTO WATER

"He's a great player but man, we're tired of him."

-- Alabama wide receiver Julio Jones on Florida Gators quaterback Tim Tebow after the Crimson Tide romped the Gators 32-13 in the SEC Championship Game. (Morning Call)

THERE'S A LOT OF WATERY CORN CHOWDERS IN NEBRASKA

"Marc, I want to see [Big 12 Head of Officiating] Walt Anderson in there right f*cking now!"

"BCS! That's why they made that call!"

-- Nebraska head coach Bo Pelini in the aftermath of the Huskers' controversial loss to Texas in which one second was put back on the clock which led Texas to kick the game-winning field goal as time expired. (Big Red Today)

"You should be ashamed to accept that trophy!"

-- Nebraska defensive coordinator Carl Pelini yelling at the Longhorns as they celebrated winning the Big 12 championship.

WHAT A DODO BRAIN!

"I laugh at stuff like that. It takes a coward, and some more words I can't say, to push a guy in the back when the play is dead. It just proves what kind of dirtbag he is."

-- Giants defensive end Justin Tuck discussing an incident in which Cowboys offensive lineman Flozell Adams shoved Tuck from behind. (NY Daily News)

"I ain't talking about him. He's a nobody."

-- Adams on Tuck. (ESPN Dallas)

MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A BASE-STEALER INSTEAD OF A CATCHER

"[Girardi] showed me how to do it with the opposite leg and hook [the left] leg under. He showed me how to protect the ball and try not to fall on one side or the other or my shoulder, just absorb the blow with my butt and my legs. I really appreciated it."

-- Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez on the sliding lesson he got from Yankees manager Joe Girardi prior to Thursday's game against the Bills. He left that game after getting injured while sliding. (The Star-Ledger)

DAVIS: "BUT GM CARS AREN'T GOOD ZERO TO SIXTY"

"Mr. Davis, do the right thing. Please hire a GM."

-- Billboard in the Oakland area, purchased by MessagetoAl.com. (The Sporting Blog)

ALAN THICKE WAS SPOTTED IN THE CROWD SO THEY COULD HAVE WANTED THICKE

"We want Vick! We want Vick!"

-- Crowd at the Georgia Dome after Eagles quaterback Michael Vick scored his second touchdown of the day during the Eagles' 34-7 rout of the Falcons. (Monday Morning QB)

MJ BROKE HIS THREE WOOD AT A COUNTRY CLUB AFTER HEARING HIS NAME USED BY A HOLDER

"It's like [how] Jordan used to shoot free throws with his eyes closed, and he knew on the follow through. You know, I can tell. It felt high."

-- Redskins snapper Ethan Albright on his snap to holder Hunter Smith on kicker Shuan Suisham's improbable 23-yard missed field goal that would have put the game away for the Redskins. (D.C. Sports Bog)

SUISHAM IS JUST AN IDIOT KICKER

"I'd have to cut him before he cost me my job."

-- NBC analyst Tony Dungy on what he'd do if he were the coach of a team with Shaun Suisham, and Suisham missed a 23-yard field goal like he did Sunday. (Washington Post)

JARED ALLEN IS TOO BUSY GOING TO "CULINARY ACADEMY" TO LEARN OPPONENTS' NAMES

"[Allen] said he didn't know my name. I said, 'You'll know by the end of the game because they're going to say it a whole lot on ESPN.'"

-- Cardinals left tackle Jeremy Bridges on his conversation with Vikings defensive end Jared Allen during Sunday's game. (NFL Nation)

YES HE CAN?

"Of course I should be [in the conversation]. And I'm about to start a campaign, an MVP campaign."

-- Titans running back Chris Johnson on whether he should be in the MVP conversation. (The Tennessean)

YOU'RE JUST COMING OFF STUPID

"Shut up. He's not helping. Why don't he go and help those linebackers watch tape and teach them how to call a defense and line them up. That way they aren't all off flank all game long against Cincinnati and Cedric Benson is running for 189 yards."

-- Inside the NFL's Warren Sapp on Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher's comments that the Bears lacked an identity. (National Football Post)

I MEAN YOU'VE ONLY BEEN IN THE NFL FOR FOUR YEARS

"I really have to start concentrating more about holding onto the ball."

-- Patriots running back Laurence Maroney after Monday's game against the Saints in which he fumbled, which he seems to do every game, at inopportune times. (Boston Herald)

SO HE FILLS JOBS FOR PEOPLE?

"Dashon is a headhunter. The guy just wants to annihilate everything that's back there. He's got great speed, and he wants to hit everything that moves. And it's just a matter of, 'OK, Dashon, let's settle down a bit, gather yourself and make the play.'"

-- 49ers head coach Mike Singeltary on safety Dashon Goldson's fondness for the big hit. (Press-Democrat)

OR YOU COULD PUT HANDS ON HIS FACEMASK

"[We're] either going to have to put stickum on his facemask or he's going to have to catch that ball with his hands."

-- Jets head coach Rex Ryan on wide receiver Braylon Edwards failing to catch a sure touchdown after the ball hit him in the facemask. (New York Post)

MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN WATCHING SOME TAPE ON ARIZONA

"I've seen New Orleans on tape, a couple of times, just out of curiosity, just to see what they're doing. I admire some of the things they do offensively."

-- Vikings coach Brad Childress on watching the Saints on tape just for kicks. (Pioneer Press)

SAY THAT YOU COULD TAKE DELHOMME IN A FISTFIGHT

"What do you want me to say? I don't know. I'm going to be real cliché and repetitive, and say I'm going to prepare and be ready to go if called upon."

-- Panthers quarterback Matt Moore on who he expected to be the starter of Sunday's game against the Buccaneers. (The Herald)

OH CHARLIE YOUR SNARK HAS BETRAYED YOU ONCE AGAIN

"Let me ask you this question: You guys know about things that go on in different places. Was I living with a grad student in Malibu, or was I living with my wife in my house? You could bet that if I were living with a grad student here in South Bend, it would be national news. He's doing it in Malibu and it's not national news. What's the difference? I don't understand. Why is it OK for one guy to do things like that, but for me, I'm scrutinized when I swear. I'm sorry for swearing; absolve my sins."

-- Outgoing Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis answering a reporter's question on whether he is "frustrated" by how he's portrayed, compared to USC head coach Pete Carroll. (ESPN)

I WILL BET YOU ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY THAT 100 NFL TEAMS HAVE NOT CONTACTED YOU

"I'm going to coach in the NFL next year. I have no idea for who. All those stories that there have been 100 teams that have contacted me; that's a bunch of garbage. First of all I wouldn't talk to anyone until after I was fired."

-- Weis emphatically declaring he will coach in the NFL next year. NFL teams are tingling with anticipation. (The Trenches)

WHERE'S THE ACCOMPANYING HANUKKAH GRAPHIC?

"7 dropped passes, 4 three and outs, failed fake punt, interception, and a partridge in a pear tree"

-- CBS graphic of the Kansas City Chiefs' miscues during their 44-13 loss to the Denver Broncos. (Deadspin)

TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE ... HAVEN'T YOU SEEN ANGELS IN THE OUTFIELD?

"And that punt was knocked down like a big giant just blew on it"

-- ESPN analyst Pam Ward after the wind knocked down a punt. Or maybe it was a giant. (Awful Announcing)

I'M BIGGER THAN YOU, I'M HIGHER IN THE FOOD CHAIN!

"I want you in my belly!"

-- ABC/NFL Network analyst Matt Millen doing his best Fat Bastard impression after someone in the Cincinnati-Pittsburgh game was tackled hard on a kickoff. (Awful Announcing)

HERE'S A GUY WHO LIKES TO USE THE WORD GUY

"He's not that guy, not now. But what he's doing is allowing them to win football games. Now you're hoping that as he continues to grow, he's going to eventually be that guy. You want him to be that guy, but he's not that guy yet."

"I think with what he's done you've got to stick with the guy now. That doesn't mean you don't draft a guy. If Collins is done, if this is his last year, they need another quarterback. Do you draft a guy? Maybe so. Maybe you draft the pocket passer you want so if it doesn't work out you've got a guy in your system that you know you are grooming."

-- ESPN analyst Herm Edwards on Titans quarterback Vince Young, managing to use the word "guy" eight times in ten sentences. (AFC South Blog)

ARISTOTLE IS ROLLING IN HIS GRAVE

"There's a theory in mathematics: 'the whole is equal to the sum of their parts.'"

-- FOX analyst Daryl Johnston showing his mastery of addition in describing the Falcons offensive line. (FOX broadcast)

AL MICHAELS IS A CUNNING LINGUIST

"Sooner or later, 69 will be in your face."

-- NBC play-by-play man Al Michaels, presumably discussing the tenacious pass rush of Vikings defensive end Jared Allen. (NBC broadcast, audio available at SportsbyBrooks)

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Posted by: Rory Hickey on 08 Dec 2009

48 comments, Last at 10 Dec 2009, 2:36pm by boog