compiled by Rory Hickey

SO WAS VINCE CARTER

"We got a guy like [Jason Witten], who's always going to be awesome and you know me, I'm 50% black and 50% awesomeness and I bring a lot to the table too. So when we're both out there at the same time, I think it's a killer combo."
-- Martellus Bennett, quoted in (The Huddle)

ROOKIE BONDING: PRICELESS

"$14,508.67"
-- The bill for the Chargers' rookie dinner, paid by Larry English (Twitter)

RECIEVER DRAMA!

"Keyshawn Johnson is the bum, that's why he's in the analyst seat. He tried to come back to football but no one would sign him. He was never that good a player. He got lucky and signed on in Tampa Bay and won a Super Bowl because they had a great defense. Just look at the two people doing the criticizing, that's all I'm saying. Keyshawn was overrated and [Cris] Carter is in the same boat I'm in. He doesn't have a Super Bowl ring either. He's in the analyst seat without a ring. At least I'm playing. He still wants to play but he can't anymore. We're the bums? That's why you're in the analyst seat. Just be quiet and keep dreaming you still could play."
-- Ravens wide receiver Derrick Mason lashing out at Keyshawn Johnson and Cris Carter after Johnson called Joe Flacco "a bum" and Carter criticized the Ravens (Pro Football Talk)

TO THE MADDEN CRUISER!

"MUAHAHAHA!! GET ME SOME MORE TURDUCKEN!"
-- What John Madden probably said after Troy Polamalu sprained his MCL, according to Shutdown Corner

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE?

"He's a beast but so am I. So let the beasting begin."
-- Eagles guard Shawn Andrews on facing Julius Peppers (DelcoTimes.com). Of course, Andrews didn't play in the game and is now out for the year.

WELL THANKS CAPTAIN OBVIOUS

"In my mind, it was a no-brainer. Adrian Peterson was the best running back in high school football, the best running back in college football and now he's the best running back in the NFL. He was Rookie of the Year and led the NFL in rushing last season. We had a chance to draft the best player in the NFL outside of Peyton Manning and Tom Brady and we blew it.''
-- A former Cleveland Browns staffer on the Browns decision not to take Adrian Peterson in the 2007 NFL Draft (Cleveland.com)

BUT TIGER WOODS DOESN'T QUADRUPLE BOGEY EVERY HOLE EITHER

"It's like Tiger Woods doesn't win every tournament. [Roger] Federer doesn't win every tournament. There's a lot of people out there that practice and get paid, too."
-- Panthers coach John Fox on Jake Delhomme's terrible showing on Sunday (ESPN)

I KNOW HOW MANY LETTERS MOST OF THE WORDS HE WAS USING WERE

"Honestly, it is hard to kind of put it into words. But we have come to the conclusion that we need to call the NFLPA and put him on the banned substances list."
-- Jets defensive tackle Kris Jenkins describing Rex Ryan's pregame speech (NFL Nation Blog)

YOU'RE A JERKFACE!

"Clinton, I congratulate you ahead of time and I do hope that you break the record for your own sake because maybe then you can quit being a crybaby and go back to playing football for the Redskins."
-- Former Redskins running back John Riggins on Clinton Portis breaking his team rushing record (WTOP.com)

JEEZ, SOMEONE DIDN'T LIKE THE T.O. SHOW ....

"I'm pumped about T.O. opening up his big mouth about the Patriots. It's fair now. I can actually put a bounty on T.O. if I wanted and not get in any trouble."
-- Former Patriots defensive back and current NBC analyst Rodney Harrison on putting a bounty on Terrell Owens

"He's a clown. He's all about the circus show and the cameras, and it's all about that. But you best believe he'll have Shawn Springs in his grill and Brandon Meriweather will be putting his helmet down his throat. So I'm excited about seeing that on Monday. He's just so, so miserable. He wants to seek so much attention. I don't know. Something happened a long, long [time] ago, before we even knew T.O., that just made him like this. The guy is such a phenomenal talent, but his clown antics and his tactics just take away, year after year."
-- Harrison (AFC East Blog)

PORK: THE DEBACLED WHITE MEAT

"For fans that are going to the ball game, they have an opportunity now to tailgate at a brand new stadium and smoke it up and saranate the whole stadium itself. To me tailgating is a part of gameday experience. And what we found is that 42% of the people prefer pork over the other meat. And at tailgate parties I can understand why because pork is easy, easy to cook, its simple and it's affordable, and so going to gameday stadium, look for everyone out there to be tailgatin. To be using some type of pork meat on their grills."
-- FOX Sports personality or analyst or something Emmitt Smith discussing the benefits of pork in response to a question about what he thinks of the Cowboys' new stadium (Awful Announcing)

I DON'T EVEN CARE IF HE FINDS OUT, I'M SUCH A BADASS

"I have been playing my whole life and no one has ever hit me like that. So I know when it is real and when it is not real. So it was a cheap shot and I don't care if that gets back to him either."
-- Titans tight end Bo Scaife on the hit by James Harrison in which he injured his knee and fumbled (NBC Sports)

WHAT IF THE CAR RUNS 370 MILES IN ONE TRIP ... WOULDN'T THERE BE A RISK OF IT BREAKING DOWN ON THE NEXT TRIP?

"Hey, this built Ford Tough baby, I'll never break down."
-- Redskins running back Clinton Portis, when asked how many miles he has left in the tank (D.C. Sports Bog)

IT DIDN'T LOOK LIKE YOU WANTED TO PLAY FOR HIM AGAINST THE JETS

"For the first time, we have a defensive coordinator we want to play for."
-- Texans cornerback Dunta Robinson on new defensive coordinator Frank Bush (Houston Chronicle)

OH CLINTON, I LIKE THE WAY YOU MOVE

"It's always been the Redskins gonna come out and play smash mouth, and that's what it is, but now I think you're seeing all preseason, we're throwing the ball downfield. And whether you complete it or not, just the opportunity.... If you don't get back there, it's gonna be Bombs over Baghdad."
-- Redskins running back Clinton Portis, discussing the Redskins new offensive philosophy(D.C. Sports Bog)

I'M NOT NERVOUS ... DO I SEEM NERVOUS? STOP LOOKING AT ME!

"There's a lot of worry. You worry about everything, though, in this position, so yeah, you worry about it. I really like the guys. I think we've come a long way. We'll find out on Monday night how far we've come. It's not going to be easy."
-- Bills coach Dick Jauron's vote of confidence for his much-maligned offensive line (DemocratandChronicle.com)

CAN YOU FILL THE ROY WILLIAMS VOID LEFT BY ROY WILLIAMS?

"The T.O. question we can understand because he's a Hall of Famer and he left. Can I fill the void? It's not just me. All the guys are going to have to fill that void. But, obviously we all suck. Come Sunday, we'll see if we suck or not."
-- Cowboys wide receiver Roy Williams on filling Terrell Owens's shoes (Star-Telegram.com)

DOES THIS MEAN HE HAS TO COORDINATE THE TEAM'S SECRET GANG LIFE AS WELL?

"I don't know. That's a little deep. It might be a reach. How do you fill Marvin Harrison's shoes? I don't think you do."
-- Colts wide receiver Anthony Gonzalez on filling Marvin Harrison's shoes ( IndyStar.com)

I WON THE HEISMAN TROPHY, MOM, NOT HIM

Our Trojans are going to wreak some havoc this week. Ohio State fans are the most annoying people on the planet. It's unbelievable. ... They wear their stuff year-end, because there's nothing else going on here. They blamed it on the quarterback situation last year. [Now] they've got everything they need, I'm ready to see SC whip up on them when they're healthy and full speed.
-- Bengals quarterback and UTEP alum Jordan Palmer(SportsbyBrooks.com)

I WOULD DANCE UPON A STRING ANY GIFT SHE'D WANNA BRING

""The Isley Brothers had a song, 'Who's That Lady?' but in my mind, I thought they said, 'Ooooh, sunny baby' It just went from there."
-- Panthers defensive end Ra'Shon Harris on how he got his nickname "Sunny"

"I was always big, so at first it was sunny baby, but then they had to drop the baby."
-- Harris (Panthers.com)

I DON'T THINK SO, T.J. I MEAN, IF HE HAD JEDI POWERS, WOULDN'T HE HAVE SOME HAIR?

"That might be what [Hasselbeck] wants you to think. It could all be a Jedi mind game. He might want you to think that. That's a good point. He might get guys on his team that he's not really going to throw to. So I don't want to be on his team."
-- Seahawks wide receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh on whether defensive coordinators would just double-team Seahawk receivers on Matt Hasselbeck's fantasy team (ESPN)

HE WAS NO TECMO BO

"Tell him to study the film of Brad Johnson's TD pass to himself. If he can execute that play consistently, he'll be on the cover of Madden next year. And tell him to get his leg loose. The greatest fantasy quarterback ever was George Blanda, because he also kicked field goals and PATs. If the Seahawks could save themselves a roster spot, Hasselbeck could earn a hell of a lot more money than he stands to win in any fantasy league."
-- Editor of Fantasy Football Index Bruce Taylor on what Matt Hasselbeck should do if he starts himself on his fantasy football team (ESPN)

DAN SNYDER TRIED TO TRADE JASON CAMPBELL BECAUSE HE DIDN'T SHOWER

"It wasn't too bad. The Redskins as a whole are a pretty clean team. They just have one guy out there that was a little saucy from 12 months ago. Those kinds of things happen. You just keep on rolling."
-- Giants running back Brandon Jacobs on LaRon Landry's hit on him while he was out of bounds (NJ.com)

HEADLINE WRITERS, TWIQ WRITERS PRAY DELHOMME KEEPS HIS JOB

"Delhomme, Panthers back in playoff form"
-- Headline of the Charlotte Observer after Jake Delhomme threw four interceptions on Sunday (Twitter)

OR LIKE GOING FROM ESPN TO FOX SPORTS

"Going from two Super Bowls in Pittsburgh to the winless Detroit team -- that's like going from dating Beyonce to Whoopi Goldberg."
-- FOX analyst Chris Myers drawing a parallel for what ex-Steeler Larry Foote must feel like after joining the Lions (TMZ.com)

A.J. TRAPASSO JOKE?

"They should've put Detroit in there instead of us."
-- Giants running back Brandon Jacobs on the Cowboys' decision to play the Giants in their first game at their new stadium (NFL Nation Blog)

MAYBE HIS SON IS A NEUROLGIST?

"Al Toon, who had his football career cut short because of multiple concussions, hopes his son follows in his footsteps."
-- ESPN broadcaster Dave Pasch, whose decision to skip English class that one day is clearly not paying dividends in the long-term (Awful Announcing)

I'M NOT REALLY A PANTS GUY EITHER

"I'm Not A Moral Victory Type Of Guy"
-- Billboard featuring Mike Singletary (SportsbyBrooks)

WHERE THE GIRLS ARE '09

"I just got to say that you know when you read the 'crawl' on the dude? Shawn Marion? Oh man you can't do that and I am like: I have heard that name Tila Tequila before. And I asked my daughter. She loves trash TV. She watched Flava Flav, she watched those nutty Kardashian people. I called my girls: Who is Tila Tequila? She said: Dad, she is a bisexual girl on that show where she dates men and women. You are kidding me right? He went for that? I wanted to say: Bro, you are Shawn Marion. I don't have to get my girls off of reality TV."
-- TNT personality Charles Barkley giving his opinion on Shawne Merriman (SportsByBrooks)

Got quote? Send it to quotes-at-footballoutsiders.com.

Posted by: Rory Hickey on 15 Sep 2009

39 comments, Last at 19 Sep 2009, 3:07pm by dianagram