compiled by Rivers McCown

THE MUSIC IS RAP, MY FAVORITE COLOR IS MATH

"Sacks are the stats, sacks are what I do." -- Broncos defensive end Elvis Dumervil, on his zero sacks so far this season (Denver Post)

BLESSED ARE THE OTHER TEAMS, FOR THEY SHALL INHERIT A LOSING RECORD

"It's better than the alternative -— meekest, least aggressive, softest team in the NFL. People are entitled to their opinion. If you try to fight that, you're gonna be miserable in this business. Whatever the perception is, whatever people think of us, that doesn't mean anything to us." -- Lions head coach Jim Schwartz, on the perception that the Lions are dirty (The Detroit News)

NORMALLY I USE PROTECTION, BUT THEN I THOUGHT: WHEN AM I GOING TO MAKE IT BACK TO HAITI?

"It didn't work, so it was a bad idea. If it had worked, it would have been great." -- Buccaneers head coach Raheem Morris, on a called Josh Johnson run that took Josh Freeman off the field (St. Petersburg Times)

SOUNDS LIKE IT'S TIME TO GO BY HERCULES ROCKEFELLER

"I feel like I've stumbled across this parallel universe of people who have the same name as somebody who's been accused of a heinous crime. Somewhere out there, I'm sure there's a Bernie Madoff who's a baker and who happens to be a great guy." -- Ravens radio guy Gerry Sandusky, who is grateful for his Mom's creative spelling of Jerry (Deadspin)

OH REGINALD? I DISAGREE!

"As a coach or decision-maker in an NFL building, you don't care what round they're drafted in, you don't care who drafted them. You don't care if they're short, fat, whatever. You just care: Can they play? So all that other stuff is poppycock." -- Broncos coach John Fox, on Tim Tebow (Los Angeles Times)

CAN WE BLAME THE PEOPLE WHO ASK OFFICIALS TO MAKE SPLIT-SECOND JUDGEMENT CALLS OF HITS THAT THEY AREN'T ALWAYS IN THE BEST POSITION TO SEE?

"I asked the ref what he called me on. He said I used the top of my helmet to launch into him. And I can see where he wouldn’t be able to see it from the correct angle, so it’s understandable. It comes down to a split-second decision and you can’t fault the referee for that." -- Packers linebacker Clay Matthews, on a poor roughing the passer call that went against him last weekend (Pro Football Talk)

THERE WE ARE

"This time it's wrong, not that I respected Roger before this. I might as well put him to sleep for real." -- Steelers safety Ryan Clark, on being fined $40,000 on a clearly silly personal foul call (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette )

THE FAVRE-CHURIAN CANDIDATE

"I appreciate everyone trying to come up with a theory and a reason that I'm hurt. I'm not hurt. I've thrown a handful of picks that I normally don't throw and I'll probably throw some more throughout my career. There won't always be a reason why." -- Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers, on his poor play (by his standards) so far this season (AP)

YOU PLAY TO DVOA THE GAME

"I always give the same response about, ‘Cam, are you really surprised with your performance?’ Whether it’s a reporter, whether it’s whoever that’s asking me, I’ve asked this question to them: ‘Have you ever put a large body of work into something and expected it just to be OK?’ ... So why would I be surprised with my performances right now? If anything, I feel like I’ve failed myself due to this game is about wins and losses. And I’m not hanging my hat on no 2-6 season and we still have an opportunity to change that." -- Panthers quarterback Cam Newton, on if he was surprised that his season has gone so well (Sports Radio Interviews)

THE REAL QUESTION IS: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO KEEP THEM?

"Hey, listen, I'm not dumb. There's a lot of Pat Hill haters. There's a lot of venom that spills all the time. I can't worry about that. ... I don't know what I've done to make them mad." -- Fresno State head coach Pat Hill, on calls for his resignation (Fresno Bee)

C'MON BRO, WHAT ABOUT ALL THE PUNTERS?

"Tim Tebow, I can’t put him to sleep yet because he’s the only virgin in the NFL. Okay? You can’t hate the guy. For the guys that try to hit him hard and talk smack and stuff, he just looks at them and says ‘God Bless You.’" -- Retired linebacker Bill Romanowski, adding his always-classy thoughts about the Tebow experiment (Sports Radio Interviews)

YOU WANNA KNOW SOMETHING? *ANYONE* CAN BECOME A KICKER. LIKE, THEY DON'T REGULATE

"I told the coaches, 'Hey -- an intoxicated Brodus is better than nobody. Get him. Just get him here. Give him a Breathalyzer.' Fortunately he didn't do anything bad." -- Tennessee head coach Derek Dooley, solving an unprecedented kicker-injury crisis by getting a walk-on kicker out of a frat house (Dr. Saturday)

IF YOU PAY HIM $200, JERRY JONES WILL LET YOU STAND IN THAT EXACT SPOT IN THE STADIUM

"The house I grew up in was torn down to put the stadium up, so I got a little bit of home-field advantage that way." -- Bills running back Fred Jackson, on getting to play in Dallas (BuffaloBills.com)

SURE: SHOULDN'T A COACH WHO HAS BEEN ON THE HOT SEAT FOR THE BETTER PART OF THE LAST TWO YEARS TRY TO MAKE ALL THE FRIENDS HE CAN GET?

"To answer your question, I'm not going to answer that question because I don't like it. Anyone else got a question?" -- Georgia head coach Mark Richt, answering a sarcastic question about suspensions (Dr. Saturday)

OF COURSE, IF HE HANDLES THIS LIKE HE APPARENTLY HANDLES SUCCESS, THEN WE'LL PROBABLY SEE HIM BUYING ACTUAL LOTTERY TICKETS WITH THE MONEY

"Congratulations, Peyton. You finally got paid!" -- Anonymous Browns veteran, on Peyton Hillis winning a player pool of per diems (Yahoo!)

THE NEW MONEYBALL WAS WHEN HALOTI NGATA FIGURED OUT THAT WOMEN WERE ON THE INTERNET

"When you are in a small place like Baltimore and the temperature is relatively cold -— hey, you compete over the same chicks. That’s a football player’s favorite spot. Especially young football players. It was always a rivalry. Guys fight about ‘Hey that is my girlfriend and that’s my girlfriend’, but [in New York]? Five million people, maybe more. There is plenty for everybody." -- Jets linebacker Bart Scott, on the "rivalry" between the Ravens and Redskins (Sports Grid)

I'M SURE THIS DECISION WON'T HAUNT YOU FOREVER

"With regard to the other presentments, I wish to say that Tim Curley and Gary Schultz have my unconditional support. I have known and worked daily with Tim and Gary for more than 16 years. I have complete confidence in how they have handled the allegations about a former University employee." -- Newly unemployed Penn State president Graham Spanier, on Saturday (Penn State Live)

ME TOO

"With the benefit of hindsight, I wish I had done more." -- Fired Penn State coach Joe Paterno (The Wall Street Journal)

If you see a quote that you think should be in the next TWIQ, send it via email to quotes-at-footballoutsiders.com or via Twitter to @FO_RiversMcCown

Posted by: Rivers McCown on 11 Nov 2011

17 comments, Last at 16 Nov 2011, 2:24am by phila