compiled by Mark Zajack
DAMN I LOOK GOOD, AND THAT'S WHAT MATTERS
"What do I have to be jealous of? Look at me, I'm handsome as hell ... Anything that goes on, I am going to be the scapegoat. I'm trying to figure out how I make the headlines and I don't even say anything."
-Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens, denying an ESPN report that he is envious of the relationship between Jason Witten and Tony Romo. (Star Telegram)
OH YEAH, 50-50. THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT, NORVAL
"You've got a chance in this league, the way onside kicks are, you've got a pretty good chance of getting it. About 50-50."
-Chargers head coach Norv Turner, on the odds of recovering an onside kick, leading to a Chargers win in Kansas City.
"(Bleep) no. It's not real high."
-Chargers special teams coach Steve Crosby, critiquing Norv's estimate.
Ed. note: Actual percentage, 2000-2005, for expected onside kicks: 16.6%
"You ain't gonna get that ball away from Kassim Osgood. He's strong and he knows what's coming. He's a veteran guy."
-Crosby, on wide receiver and ace special teamer Kassim Osgood, who recovered the onside kick.
"There was punching, grabbing, scratching. I got bite wounds It was crazy. Somebody tried to give me a fishhook, but they couldn't get in there. It was pretty vicious out there."
-Osgood. (San Diego Union Tribune)
NEXT YEAR, LET'S GET A NEW [SPHINCTER] IN THE FIRST ROUND
"Think of the anatomy. Brains, eyes, ears, nose. You know there's got to be some [sphincters] over here to have the whole anatomy. My point is this team is made up of that. By golly, when you start picking that part out and saying, 'They don't have a team,' you're missing the point."
-Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, on why team chemistry is overrated. (Dallas Morning News)
BUCK UP, LITTLE CAMPER. THERE'S ALWAYS BOBBY PETRINO.
"It hurts. I feel like the worst coach in America."
-Redskins head coach Jim Zorn, taking the blame for the Redskins recent woes. (Washington Times)
TWO GIANTS BANNED FROM GIANTS STADIUM
"I love the Giants! I'm a flamboyant dresser and I'm well-endowed."
-Giants fan Sondra Fortunato, who has attended Giants games for 30 years with her bodacious physique, rhinestone tiara and skimpy outfits.
"Look, I'm a middle-aged woman, I really don't like to give my age - say I'm middle-aged. But Madonna goes out and she's got everything hanging out, and she's middle-aged!"
-Fortunato, who reportedly was asked to cover her D-cups at games.
"Nothing was showing. You couldn't even see my underwear. I don't flash!"
-Fortunato, arrived at the Meadowlands in a tiara, fishnets, a Santa outfit, a bathing-suit bottom and high-heeled boots.
"They said, 'Can't you come to the stadium dressed like a regular person?' They said there were a lot of kids there."
-Fortunato. (New York Post)
OPTIMAL TIME TO MAKE IT SPICY:
"It's not a time to make it spicy, one of my bro's is down. I don't want to celebrate on nothing like that."
-Jags linebacker Mike Peterson, on regaining his starting role after Darryl Smith went down with a groin injury. (Orlando Sentinel)
OFFICIALLY, IS THAT A 91-YARD GAME WINNING DRIVE?
"I told [defensive lineman] Travis [Kirschke], 'I'd rather go 50 yards than 92 yards if you would've recovered that fumble.' He wanted to add to my legacy, he said. I appreciate that."
-Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, on the failure of his defense to recover a fumble during Baltimore's previous stalled offensive series, leading to a 92-yard game winning drive. (ESPN.com)
I BET AL DAVIS IS TURNING OVER IN HIS ... OOPS, NEVERMIND
"Quite frankly, I'm disappointed by all these things, mostly by the fact that someone would quit on this organization, this football team and this head coach at this juncture. It's wrong."
-Raiders head coach Tom Cable, on assistant offensive line coach James Cregg's decision to leave the Raiders with two games left in the season and joining former coach Lane Kiffin's staff at Tennessee.
"You don't do that," he said. "You never quit. You never quit, I don't care what it is. You don't quit."
THE SUSAN LUCCI OF THE NFL IS CROWNED: REASON #1,275 TO WATCH THE GAMES WITHOUT SOUND
"I don't know if it was because I wasn't a first-round draft pick, I don't do some kind of dance when I make a 10-yard tackle, I don't go out and get arrested. I believe in playing the game the way it's supposed to be played. You line up each and every week, each and every play and you go out and get the job done. You look at my body of work and I've done that for 11 years. But because I'm not going out causing a lot of controversy, holding a private meeting with the coordinator saying this, this and this, causing a lot of strife on my team, I don't garner a lot of attention. But when you turn the film on each and every week, each and every play, I'm gonna show up. That's what I do. My career has been Hall of Fame worthy. But some coaches and some players get caught up in the hype readin' the newspapers or listening to some national TV game as opposed to watching the game with no sound. It's some BS. I put myself up against anybody playing the position, anybody."
-Redskins linebacker London Fletcher, on being ignored by Pro Bowl voters for the 10th straight time.
"To have it happen, year after year after year after year, you can't tell me ... an 8-time alternate, c'mon man. That's a trivia question. I'm the Susan Lucci of the NFL. And look at the injury situation, I played with a sprained foot [the past three weeks]. There's a lot of guys that play injured in the National Football League, but there's a lot of guys who would cancel Christmas, so to speak, when they got hurt, meaning they would throw in the towel, 'I'm done.'"
-Fletcher. (Washington Times)