compiled by Rory Hickey
O ROSENFELS, ROSENFELS, WHEREFORE ART THOU ROSENFELS?
"I think [my return is] great for football. I can't see how you wouldn't think it would be."
-- Vikings quarterback He Who Shall Not Be Named discussing his "return" to the NFL
"If you're a true Packer fan, you understand."
-- Voldemort (EveryJoe.com)
DOING SIT-UPS IN HIS DRIVEWAY IS THE NEXT LOGICAL STEP
"I need some catches. If I'm out there running routes, I've got to get some catches."
-- Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb on lining up at wide receiver during the Eagles' preseason game
"You've seen some of the divas at the wide receiver position. I've got to get some catches. I mean, I'm open. A couple of times I was down the sideline, [Michael Vick] didn't even look my way. I'm just putting that out for the record. Throw me the ball."
-- McNabb channeling his inner Keyshawn Johnson (The Huddle)
SURE BART, AND YOU LED THE LINEBACKING CORPS TOO?
"[Rex Ryan] was the head coach of [the Ravens] last year, whether you guys know it or not. He kept that team together. The defense leads that team over there, and he controls the defense."
-- Jets linebacker and ex-Raven Bart Scott on last year's Ravens coaching situation (The Huddle)
"We don't have any rear-view mirrors in our car."
-- Ravens head coach Jim Harbaugh citing what the Ravens have in common with a Ford Pinto (Baltimore Sun)
ESTA SEMANA EN CHAD OCHOCINCO
"Esteban Ochocinco is back. The most interesting footballer in the world. Everyone has to remember, I've always said that soccer is my No. 1 sport. I think Ronaldinho would be proud of me right now."
-- Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco after kicking an extra point and a kickoff in a preseason game (Cincinnati.com)
"I lost your number so I have no other choice but to tweet, need help in the following department, can't take on the NFL without help"
-- Ochocinco, in a tweet to Oprah (Twitter)
"Final Destination is fuc^#%^ng awesome, Must see, I give it two legs up including my 3rd leg, wink :)"
-- Ochocinco doing his best Ebert and Roeper impression (Twitter)
"It's about protection. They'll catch everything your Johnson shoots."
-- Ochocinco on his plan to launch Ochocinco Condoms
A NEW MEANING TO THE TERM GUNSLINGER
"I don't think anyone on this team knows what schism means, let alone use it in a sentence form. At first I thought schism was an STD, and I was like WOAH we practice abstinence here!"
-- Vikings defensive end Jared Allen reacting to an ESPN story that there was a 'schism' in the Vikings' locker room about Sir Wrangler. For the record, schism means division (The Big Lead)
ROB DEER NODS GLOOMILY
"It's a little bit like a Home Run Derby in baseball."
-- Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, on punters attempting to hit the video board at new Cowboys' stadium.
"In the All Star Game you have players get up and hit the ball for home runs. And they don't swing like that in regular competition. If they did, they'd probably strike out most of the time."
-- Jones (SportsRadioInterviews.com)
DOES THIS INCLUDE THE DOUBLE STUF RACING LEAGUE AS WELL?
"You certainly get a little emotional ... Actually, I'll tell you what I have to do now: usually we'll play at 1:00 and the Giants are playing at 4:00, but on occasions where the Giants are playing the early game and maybe I'll have a night game, I'll truly get to see Eli's entire game in the hotel on the road. I found myself standing on top of the bed, yelling at one of his receivers or one of his linemen. I find myself, I go, 'Peyton, what are you doing? Why are you screaming at the TV? You have a game here in two hours.'"
-- Colts quarterback Peyton Manning on watching his brother Eli's games.
"No! Absolutely not! It's never the quarterback's fault, we all know that. So, I'm defending Eli, I'm getting mad at anybody and so I find myself now where I've had to stop watching the game so much. I watch some, watch a rerun of Stripes on another channel and flash back to some Giants highlights."
-- Manning, in response to whether anything was ever Eli's fault (SportsRadioInterviews.com)
RECHE CALDWELL KNOWS THE FEELING
"You saw his eyes get big and he was jumping around in the pocket. We gave him a lot of looks and disguises, and we confused him a little bit."
-- Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis on Jets rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez' preseason performance (New York Post)
ESPECIALLY IN BROWNS GAMES
"[Drops are] just part of football."
-- Browns wide receiver Braylon Edwards on dropped passes
"I can catch 1,000 passes on the JUGS machine, but at the end of the day it's not a game, it's not Brady [Quinn] throwing the ball, it's not Derek [Anderson], it's not a DB covering me. That's just muscle memory. The ball doesn't actually come out like that. That's just like guys who work hard with tennis balls. You're not catching tennis balls. Just being focused is really the only thing you can do. Approach every game like you do a practice ... The practices are harder than the games are. If we can play like we do in practice, we'd go 16-0. Don't quote me on that."
-- Edwards (Cleveland.com)
ALBERT ONLY KNOWS GISELE BECAUSE SHE COOKS
"I mean, it wasn't like I was hitting Gisele or something; he's the quarterback. It was good, it was fine."
-- Redskins defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth, discussing his hit on Tom Brady (D.C. Sports Bog)
RULE NUMBER 1: NO TOUCHING OF THE HAIR OR FACE ... AND THAT'S IT!
"I like an awful lot of guys over at that network but when you get petty and mock me, or you're make fun of me ... don't do that with me ... if you're going to say something, just say something you'd be willing to say to me. The way I go about life, if you're not willing to say it behind a 7-Eleven with someone, don't say it say it ... it's just sports, they just take it so seriously."
-- FOX Sports insider Jay Glazer on ESPN (The Big Lead)
IN THAT YOU WERE ONCE ELITE BUT NOW ARE A SHELL OF YOUR FORMER SELF?
"The way I look at it is I've played 10 good years, and I've done everything a running back can do. I want to help. I think I want to be like Ginobili now -- I want to come off the bench. I'm the new Manu Ginobili! How about that?"
-- Seahawks running back Edgerrin James on his new role (The Huddle)
AT LEAST HE DIDN'T CITE A STATISTIC
"It's just you know what, I come every week, in good faith, but there's a point in time I just get a little tired of the same old BS. So there's times I want to find out if they can handle it coming back. Because it's one thing to ask questions of people all the time, it's another one to have to answer them. You know, so I just want to let them know, if they want to throw stuff, just to be ready to catch."
-- Redskins defensive coordinator Greg Blache belittling CSN Live host Trevor Matich when asked about how his defensive line played (Fanhouse)
SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH THE CUCUMBER MELON
"I got a chance to return punts last night but I forgot about it until game time. I always put some real thick Japanese Cherry Blossom lotion on my arms because it keeps me warm and loose during games. I do it before every game but I forgot that I was returning punts on Thursday. I caught the punt perfectly, but as soon as I tucked it away I felt it start to slip. Then someone hit me from behind and it just slipped out."
-- Cardinals defensive back Antrel Rolle explaining why he fumbled a punt and revealing to America the cold, smooth truth about Japanese Cherry Blossom lotion (Antrel Rolle Official Site)
CHRIS, YOU'RE WEARING SHORT SHORTS. IT'S MONDAY. THAT'S AGAINST THE RULES, YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US
"He does not like short shorts; I was directly made aware of that. But it's not like he's a jerk about it. He'll just talk to you."
-- Redskins tight end Chris Cooley on Jim Zorn's opinion of short shorts (Washingtonian.com)
ADD THE CURSE OF DENDROCHRONOLOGY TO THE CURSE OF 370
THE COWBOYS' NEW VIDEO BOARD HAS A 0 AWARENESS RATING
"I opened up the Madden today, and I'm pretty [mad] about that game. They've got me at an 86 speed, 87 hands and like 84 overall or something like that."
-- Cowboys wide receiver Roy Williams, joining fellow receiver T.J. Houshmandzedah in complaining about his Madden rating
"I can't be mad because I didn't have a good year last year. They go off that year, but geez Louise, 86 speed? That's like tight end speed, like I'm a slowpoke."
-- Williams. This makes him the first wide receiver to care about how he is perceived in NFL history (Houston Chronicle)
WISHFUL THINKING PERHAPS?
-- Name on the back of Redskins running back Ladell Betts's jersey during a preseason game
"Actually, I do like Jerome Bettis, but I don't prefer to have his name on my back. I wasn't upset or anything. I think the equipment people felt bad, but I wasn't mad at them."
-- Bettis ... err, Betts (D.C. Sports Bog)
DO YOU REALLY LOVE SACKS OR ARE YOU JUST SAYING IT BECAUSE YOU GET THEM?
"Sacks. Love 'em. Not even sacks, just hitting quarterbacks and watching them not complete the [pass]. And watching them get up real slow. I mean, I love it. I love it."
-- Redskins defensive lineman Brian Orakpo on hitting quarterbacks (Reiss's Pieces)
BILL PARCELLS WILL TURN THOSE TWO THINGS INTO A HOUSE
"Maybe a pack of Chiclets and an old fingernail clipper."
-- Chiefs offensive lineman Ikechuku Ndukwe on what Kansas City gave up to acquire him (Boston.com)
'STOP BEING SO MODEST' -- LARRY FITZGERALD SR.
"At the end of the day all I really do is catch a football. I'm not saving any lives. I'm not changing anything. I'm just catching a ball."
-- Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald on not being a prima donna like other receivers (SportsRadioInterviews.com)