compiled by Mark Zajack
MISSED IT BY THAAAT MUCH
"If we could have won just six of those games."
-Chiefs cornerback Patrick Surtain, on entering Week 17 with only five fewer victories than eventual division winner San Diego. (Kansas City Star)
COULD YOU CUT MY HAIR LIKE THE DUDE FROM DR. QUINN?
"They have bad teeth."
-Chargers defensive end Jacques Cesaire, on why he dislikes the Broncos.
"They have bad hair. They don't know how to cook."
"What else don't I like about them? They watch 'Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.' Who does that? Who watches 'Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman?' That's what I want to know. I heard the Denver Broncos watch it. I'm just sayin'."
"My biggest complaint with him is that he looks like Ringo Starr, you know? I'm just not feeling his haircut."
-Cesaire, on his feelings regarding Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler.
-Cesaire, when asked what he would say to Cutler should he sack him Sunday. (San Diego Union-Tribune)
ZORNADO OF COMEDY
"Well, being better on offense."
-Redskins head coach Jim Zorn, answering a question regarding how the Redskins could score more points next year.
"By, uh, making our drives get across the goal line."
-Zorn, when asked to elaborate. (Washington Post)
TELEPATHICALLY DECODING AN OSCAR ACCEPTANCE SPEECH
"This is mine, I totally deserve it, and if it wasn't for me, I wouldn't have this."
-Redskins cornerback Fred Smoot, accepting the trophy for winning Chris Cooley's fantasy league. (Cooley Zone)
MEA CULPA SARCASTICA
"Every long touchdown we gave up this season, it was my fault. Every time a receiver caught a pass for a touchdown, it was my fault too. In Atlanta, when the guy caught that pass that allowed them to kick the field goal, that was my fault."
-Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher, responding to media criticism of his play. (Chicago Tribune)
AND NOW FOR AN UNDER-REPORTED STORY
"There was a lot of resentment in the room about [Favre]."
-Anonymous Jets player, regarding the preferential treatment given to #4.
"Guys would be getting called out for missed assignments or blown coverages, and Brett would have three picks and no one would say a word."
-Same anonymous Jets player. (ESPN.com)
"The reality is, you throw interceptions, I'm (ticked) off, I don't like it. You know what I'm saying? I don't like it, I know everybody else on the team doesn't like it."
-Jets running back Thomas Jones, talking about Favre on a HOT 97 FM radio show.
"If somebody is not playing well, they need to come out of the game," Jones replied. "You're jeopardizing the whole team because you're having a bad day. To me, that's not fair to everybody else. You're not the only one on the team."
-Jones. (New York Daily News)
AARON, LET'S ADD TEAM MUSTACHIOUSNESS TO THE DVOA FORMULA THIS OFFSEASON
"We might have an edge; our heads might be a little lighter."
-Redskins wide receiver Antwaan Randle El, upon hearing that most of the 49ers had grown mustaches in advance of Sunday's game.
"Fred Smoot. Because it's so thin, you need a microscope to see it. He does it on purpose. It's probably like 1/10 of a millimeter in diameter, but it covers his lip. He's got a big mouth, so it's kind of long."
-Redskins linebacker Khary Campbell, on which teammate has the best mustache.
"If they can grow those [bleeps] in a week, they some bad guys."
-Redskins cornerback Fred Smoot, on the Niners mustache plan.
"He would say that, because I talk about his mustache all the time. Khary has the type of mustache, if he cut it down, it'll grow out of hand... because he's half-Jamaican. You know what I'm saying, he's a hairy person. Why you think they call him Mustachious?"
-Smoot, upon being told that Campbell had nominated him for best 'stache.
"He thinks any mustaches are big if they're not edged up as razor-thin as his. See, he shaves and then draws his on with a pencil. He must."
-Campbell, referring to Smoot's 'stache style.
"It doesn't matter, I'm gonna jam his mustache to the ground."
-Smoot, on whether he'd be intimidated by a receiver with lip fur.
"I would say no, it didn't make me a better football player, but I looked a lot cooler. I mean, I kind of felt like Magnum P.I, to be honest with you."
-Redskins tight end Todd Yoder, on the sporting a mustache last season. (Washington Post)