compiled by Rory Hickey
HE'S JUST LIKE A KID OUT THERE
WILL THOSE MEN BE FULLY CLOTHED?
WAIT, ARE THE DIAMONDBACKS ON THE SCHEDULE THIS YEAR?
"This thing here, I just figured there'd be a lot of things blowing up and people doing all those things, so I thought it was pretty good. And it had a nice-looking woman in it, too, for 'em."
-- Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano on his decision to have his team see GI Joe: The Rise of the Cobra in place of going to practice (South Florida Sun-Sentinel)
THAT'S WEIRD, CALVIN JOHNSON PUT OUT THE SAME AD
"We put an ad on Craigslist for a quarterback today for practice, but nobody answered, so we had to go with one quarterback all practice."
-- Lions coach Jim Schwartz on having to use Matt Stafford as the only quarterback during practice because of injuries to Daunte Culpepper and Drew Stanton (Detroit Free Press)
THAT'S ALSO WHAT HAPPENED TO AL DAVIS' DOCTOR DURING HIS FACIAL RECONSTRUCTION
"Just finished getting a pedicure. Its been a while since I've had one. It was relaxing for a while there, I even dozed off for a minute"
-- Raiders linebacker Thomas Howard on his manscaping (Twitter)
I DON'T WANT NO CAKE ON MY BIRTHDAY, I WANT MY CAKE EVERYDAY
"Don't throw no dollars at me. If you want to throw somethin' at me, throw me an NFL contract, man."
-- Pacman Jones repeating the same statement made by every homeless person with a high school football background
"Y'all know what 4-1/2 karats look like in one stone? Paid for!"
-- Jones ... Ustream.com might be the low point of our civilization (The Huddle)
OH HEY, HI! KARATE KID ... THE HILLARY SWANK VERSION
"Did [management] tell him something to make him think this was the best opportunity? Or did he look at a number of teams and single me out? If he singled me out, then he's out of his damn mind. If I would have been 100 percent healthy, like we do back home, you take somebody out behind the woodshed and kick their butt."
-- Buccaneers kicker Matt Bryant openly speculating as to why Mike Nugent signed with Tampa Bay during the offseason (Bucs Beat)
"Best Wishes to Charlie Weis in the 5th Year of his College Coaching Internship"
-- A billboard in South Bend signed by "Linebacker Alumni"(The Big Lead)
BUT WHERE WILL I FIND 50% OF THE MATERIAL FOR THIS WEEK IN QUOTES?
Due to the many rules the NFL has made, I've found it difficult to enjoy Twitter and I'll be deleting my account :(
-- Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco announcing that he will be deleting his Twitter account. Let us all have a moment of silence. (Twitter)
I DON'T KNOW OF ANY LEPRACHAUNS THAT DON'T TELL YOU WHERE THEIR POT OF GOLD IS
"I don't know of any pro football team that doesn't [sue their fans]"
-- Redskins general counsel David Donovan (Slate)
SOMEHOW, THE T.O. SHOW IS TO BLAME
"[Dick Jauron] told me the offense wasn't simple enough for him. We had too many formations, too many plays. I didn't simplify it to his liking. He wants a 'Pop Warner' offense. He limited me in formations, and limited me in plays. He's been on my back all offseason."
-- Former Bills offensive coordinator Turk Schonert on why he was fired (WIVB.com)
IF JEFF SATURDAY BOARDS A TRAIN HEADED EAST AT 55 MILES PER HOUR ....
"Think about this, a slow-ass offensive lineman runs a 5.5 40 [yard dash]. A normal fast guy runs a second under that .... If you've only got to run 70 yards in nine seconds, you can do that. You've got to be able to do that. We've got linemen who can do that."
-- Titans tight end Alge Crumpler on whether ESPN blogger Paul Kuharsky could beat an NFL player in a race with a head start(NFL Nation)
TO BE FAIR, WHO CAN REALLY COUNT TO FOUR?
"On their front four they have one senior, three sophomores and two freshman."
-- ESPN analyst Lou Holtz forgetting how many people make up a front four (Awful Announcing)
THERE'S ALWAYS THE OTHER TYPE OF HOTEL MOVIE ....
"I was woke up just in the nick of time to begin a movie marathon. The problem with the hotel movies is that the hotels only having 15 or 20 movies in their on demand selection. Since I have spent countless hours sitting in hotels during preseason, I have watched practically all of them. So it should come as no surprise that I chuckled when I pressed the order button to the Miley Cyrus movie. I figured what the hell, I don't have to tell anyone about this. After finishing a gem of a movie I didn't bat an eye before putting on "Year One." I think I can explain how much I liked both of these movies by saying that I was seriously disappointed when my third movie "17 Again" with Zach Efron was cut short by some hotel glitch. I guess I'm gonna have to just ad that one to netflix!"
-- Redskins tight end Chris Cooley on hotel movies (The Official Blog of Chris Cooley)
BUT SPORTSMANSHIP IS BEING PROMOTED IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL ....
"We owe [Boise State] an ass-whuppin'."
-- Oregon running back LeGarrette Blount, before Oregon's game versus Boise State. Did something happen in that game? (The Oregonian)
A SHOT AT DOMESTIC ABUSE WITH SHAWNE MERRIMAN?
"I want to punch a bunch of guys but i would never risk getting suspended and fined i love my $"
-- Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman on the LeGarrette Blount incident. I'll take foreshadowing for four hundred, Alex (Twitter)
PETROS PAPADAKIS CRITICIZED BUSH FOR SAYING RIGHT PUNCH INSTAD OF RIGHT HOOK
"I'm just gonna say this, #9 from Oregon has one hell of a right punch! LMAO!!!"
-- Saints running back Reggie Bush weighing in on LeGarrette Blount (Twitter)
AND IF I SMELL EVEN A HINT OF TEQUILA ON IT, I'M BURNING THAT MOTHER
"If [a Terrible Towel] happens to be there, I'm gonna stomp all over that. If there is a towel in the stands, I will stomp on it. I don't care who gets mad. … If they throw a towel at me, I'm going to kick it and stomp on it. If you don't want your towels [stomped], keep them out of my face."
-- Titans running back LenDale White's thoughts on towel stomping (Nashville City Paper)
THAT'LL BE A CHANGE FROM STARING AT THE BACK OF RECIEVERS' JERSEYS ALL GAME
"We all joke about being on the bench this year, that we'll all have strong necks, because we're going to be looking at the board all game. It's the most incredible picture.''
-- Cowboys defensive back Terrance Newman on the Cowboys' new video board (Monday Morning quarterback)
TA IS THE NEW AA
"HI. I'M BRANDON AND I AM A TWITTER ADDICT ... MAYBE SHOULD GET COUNESLING ... lol :)"
-- Giants running back Brandon Jacobs on his addiction (Twitter)
HITLER WASN'T EVEN THAT BAD IF YOU TAKE OUT THE WHOLE GENOCIDE THING
"Not everybody is the perfect person in the world. Everyone does -- kills people, murders people, steals from you, steals from me. I just feel that people need to give him a chance."
-- Ohio State quarterback Terrelle Pryor on Michael Vick (USA Today)
I GOT A TATTOO OF MY NICKNAME A WHILE BACK. BEST DECISION I EVER MADE.
"I was just looking for a wing with a wheel. It was the Red Wings logo, too."
-- Lions rookie receiver Derrick Williams on his new tattoo to fit his nickname "D-Wheels" (Lions Blog)
"I think it was highway robbery. I don't get it from the Raiders standpoint. I don't get it at all."
-- Matt Williamson of Scouts Inc. on the Richard Seymour trade (NFL Nation Blog)
WELL OK, NEGATIVE NANCY
"The truth of the matter is ... somebody is going to die here in the NFL. It's going to happen."
-- Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer (SportsByBrooks.com)
A.J. TRAPASSO PUT A VIRUS ON THE VIDEO BOARD
"Windows did not shut down successfully. If responding or if the system was shut down ...."
-- Cowboys' video board after a breakdown on the video screen during the Oklahoma/BYU game (TUAW.com)
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO TURN YOUR PHONE OFF ON A PLANE?
"Seatback is up & tray table is stowed!! I'm ready 2 take off but dude is killin me w/these safety instructions! God got us homie!!"
-- Bills WR Terrell Owens presumably during his flight back to Buffalo (Twitter)
I'M SUPER CEREAL ANDRE!
"Don't give out our secrets, Wood. That's what I told him. I haven't got a message back. I'm sure he is in meetings. I'm sure I'll hit him up this afternoon."
-- Giants quarterback David Carr on former Giant quarterback Andre Woodson signing with the division rival Redskins.
"We'll see how Woody handles it. I'm sure he'll handle it the right way. We'll find out early on if they know what is going on. I'm sure we'll have a plan. We're not going in there without having an answer for them knowing any of our checks, because we do do a lot of that stuff."
-- Carr (NFL.com)
The Week in Quotes is moving to Tuesdays for the 2009 season, which means you have all weekend to send the goofiest NFL (and college football) quotes you find to Contact Us.