OR YOU COULD END UP PLAYING FOR THE TULSA SHOCK
"In the Olympics ... track & field if u win the GOLD but get caught taking roids, what happens? It goes to the 2nd place guy! J. Byrd!"
-- Bills safety Donte Whitner on Texans linebacker Brian Cushing's suspension for violating the NFL's policy on performance-enhancing substances and why Cushing's Rookie of the Year award should go to Whitner's teammate Jarius Byrd. The AP re-voted on the award and Cushing won again (Twitter)
TO BE FAIR HE'S ONLY BEEN PAID $32 MILLION IN BONUS MONEY SINCE THE START OF THE CONTRACT. I WOULDN'T GO TO OTAS UNLESS I GOT AT LEAST $40 MILLION
"It says this is voluntary, but for us, what we went through last season after a 4-12 season, it's mandatory. He should definitely be here. And it's a shame he's not."
-- Redskins defensive end Phillip Daniels on teammate defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth not showing up to "voluntary" offseason workouts. (ESPN)
WHOA. THERE'S NO NEED TO USE THE 'I' WORD
"The Steelers, I have no choice. But our quarterback is still an idiot."
-- Florida Congressman Tom Rooney, grandson of Steelers' original owner Art Rooney, when asked who his favorite NFL team was. (Sunshine State News)
ADALIUS MEANS "OF NOBILITY," AND REX RYAN BELIEVES HE IS OF NOBILITY, SO IT'S A NATURAL FIT
"I think with him we'll end up first in the league in defense, and without him we'll end up first in the league in defense. If we get him, great. [But] I'm not worried about him; he's not on our team."
-- Jets coach Rex Ryan's thoughts on the team acquiring free-agent linebacker Adalius Thomas. Ryan coached Thomas in Baltimore from 2001 through 2006. (NY Daily News)
"I'll be honest with you. I'm there to whip somebody's ass. So it doesn't matter who's there, who's not there, whatever. I would love to have our stadium full and the fans going crazy and supporting us. That's what you want. I feel it. We felt the energy from those fans."
THE REDSKINS SHOULD PROBABLY BE AWARDED A FIRST-ROUND BYE RIGHT NOW
"We'll dominate our division, off of bringing Donovan McNabb in here, a guy who's dominated the division in the past. So that's just an educated guess."
-- Redskins cornerback DeAngelo Hall making an educated guess about the Redskins' prospects for the 2010 season now that the team has acquired quarterback Donovan McNabb. (Washington Post)
GOD FORBID YOU DID DRAFT HIM AND GIVE THE BILLS ANY RELEVANCY
"Denver panicked. He's a good player but we had no interest in taking Tebow."
-- Bills owner Ralph Wilson shooting down an ESPN report that the Broncos beat the Bills to the punch in trading back into the first-round to draft Florida quarterback Tim Tebow. (Democrat and Chronicle)
THE JAGUARS THINK IT IS A "DRAFT DEFENSIVE LINEMAN WAY TOO HIGH" CONTEST; JUST ASK DERRICK HARVEY
"This is not a popularity contest. I don't give a damn about perception. I care about picking the right player for our team. My attitude is, 'You can outsmart people some of the time, but you can outwork them all of the time.' If you can't trust your ability to judge players after all the work you put in on them, you shouldn't be in this business."
-- Jaguars GM Gene Smith on the perception that the team reached in taking Cal DT Tyson Alualu with the tenth pick in the NFL Draft, when most NFL people apparently had given Alualu a second-round grade. (Monday Morning Quarterback)
IF LENDALE WHITE GOT 350 CARRIES, HE WOULD HAVE AVERAGED TWO YARDS A CARRY, BUT THE TITANS WOULD HAVE GONE 16-0
"I think what happened was in Tennessee they probably got a little too carried away with the Chris Johnson thing. The year before that we were 13-3 when I had two hundred carries and we split the rock. Chris went to the Pro Bowl and we had the first-round bye, they did things different the next year and we struggled to make the playoffs. It is what it is."
-- Seahawks RB LenDale White, on what went wrong with his stint in Tennessee. It had nothing to do with the defense. (Sports Radio Interviews)
PETE CARROLL EQUALS FREDO CORLEONE?
"I felt he told me the complete opposite from the actions that he took. It was alarming with who he took as a safety. I understand it's a business, but you should be honest. That's all I'm asking for."
-- Former USC Trojan and recent 49ers' draftee Taylor Mays on longtime USC coach and first-year Seahawks coach Pete Carroll selecting Texas safety Earl Thomas with the fourteenth pick in the NFL Draft instead of Mays. (Seattle Post-Intelligencer)
TROY POLAMALU WOULD BEG TO DIFFER
"Here's what I have to say about the Madden curse: Destiny is more powerful than a curse. Whatever is meant to be will happen. Faith"
-- Saints quarterback Drew Brees on the alleged "Madden Curse" after Brees was selected to adorn the cover of Madden '11. (Twitter)
WOLF BLITZER WOULD BE ONE HECK OF AN OUTSIDE LINEBACKER
"Revis is one of the best cover guys in the NFL right now. The whole point is I want the same type of coverage when it comes to giving the news and letting his following know what's going on. It's going to be interesting."
-- Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco on Jets defensive back Darrelle Revis being hired by the Ochocinco News Network (or OCNN). (The Huddle)
WHAT NEDNEY SAID TO THE ROBOT FOR NOT MAKING HIM LOOK BAD: DOMO ARIGATO, MISTER ROBOTO
"Even with robotics, there's still human error involved. But it definitely legitimizes my position, I feel really good right now."
-- 49ers kicker Joe Nedney after defeating a 340-pound robot named Ziggy in a kicking competition organized to promote the RoboGames, which I'm sure you knew occurred from April 23rd through April 25th. (Shutdown Corner)
ONCE IT GETS TOWARDS THE END OF THE MONTH SHANAHAN WILL START WRITING MORE TICKETS
"I started thinking to myself, like, did I double park today? I didn't think I double parked. I'm dead serious. He asked guys to do the simple things. If he asks you to run off the field, he expects you to run off the field. He's just setting a standard, and saying hey guys, this is what I'm talking about, and so this is what we've got to clean up as a team."
-- Redskins OL Mike Williams on new coach Mike Shanahan's list of rules covering behavior on and off the field for his players. One of the rules is not double-parking at the team's parking lot. (D.C. Sports Bog)
IMAGINE HOW CONFIDENT HE'D BE IF THE JETS WON 10 GAMES LAST YEAR
"I'm not going to speculate. I think we're going to make it."
-- Jets owner Woody Johnson pulling out his inner Rex Ryan when asked if he would be disappointed if the Jets didn't make the Super Bowl. (ESPN New York)
RECEIVERS WITH ONLY ONE SEASON OF MORE THAN 70 CATCHES ARE THE EXPERTS ON THIS TYPE OF THING
"He does the same thing every time. Garcia's a good player, but you had to run two routes. The route and then the Jeff route."
-- Bengals wide receiver Antonio Bryant explaining what he likes about new quarterback Carson Palmer while criticizing one of his old quarterbacks, Jeff Garcia. (Pro Football Talk)
SEVEN DAYS WITHOUT PIZZA MAKES ONE WEAK
"No In-N-Out Burger, but a lot of great pizza."
-- Recent New York Jet signee LaDainian Tomlinson on the differences between San Diego and New York. (ESPN New York)
ADAM VINATIERI DOES CALL A GREAT GAME
"Boston has an amazing set of remarkable athletes whose actions in the moment have become ionic in sports. Havlicek stole the ball. Fisk waved the ball fair. Flutie launched the Hail Mary pass. Varitek split the uprights."
-- Mayor of Boston Thomas "Mumbles" Menino, speaking at the unveiling of Bobby Orr's statue at the TD Garden in Boston. I know he's on the Colts now but Adam Vinatieri must still be a little sad. (NECN)
IF IT LOOKS LIKE A RAT AND SMELLS LIKE A RAT, BY GOLLY, IT IS A RAT
"They think I'm the new T.O."
-- Eagles wide receiver DeSean Jackson on some fans' reactions to his verbal spat with former Eagle and new Redskins quarterback Donovan McNabb .(Pro Football Talk)
KEN LUCAS KNOWS TO MAKE SURE HIS SOURCES ARE ACCURATE
"[Florio] expected he could say it and get away with it, but [Smith] caught you homeboy. I don't like liars. If he wants to talk about it we can sit down like real men. Don't worry; I won't take a swing at you. Mike is false and the source is bogus. I'm not afraid of speaking my mind, and if I have something to say to someone I say it to their face.
-- Panthers wide receiver Steve Smith commenting on the Pro Football Talk report that he thinks Panthers draft pick Jimmy Clausen is a punk. (Pro Football Talk)
BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO BE BENCHED?
"It won't even be half. Do you want to take that bet? I won't even come close. Promise you."
-- Cowboys wide receiver Roy Williams on the number of drops he will have during the 2010 NFL season. (Fort Worth Star-Telegram)
Send in a funny quote to Contact Us and when Brett Favre gives me a world-exclusive scoop on whether he's retiring or not, I will let you know first.