by Rory Hickey
WHAT WOULD STEFAN URQUELLE DO?
"6/19/13 3:47 pm: Jake Ballard retweets Steve Urkel telling him he'll have a big year. We've officially reached ridiculous offseason levels." -- USA Today's Mike Garafolo
"Hey Bruh don't be an ass @MikeGarafolo Do ur job & maybe get some #rogaine for that head of urs. Jake's a solid talent @espn" -- Actor Jaleel White, who played Steve Urkel on Family Matters, responding to Mike Garafolo (Awful Announcing)
NEITHER HAVE I MATT!
"I never talk about other guys, but I will say I have never embraced -- never believed in -- anything Aaron Hernandez stood for." -- Former New England Patriots offensive tackle Matt Light, who was a teammate of Aaron Hernandez in 2010 and 2011. (Dayton Daily News)
JUST IMAGINE WHAT DAVID TERRELL WOULD HAVE DONE TO PLAY WITH SID LUCKMAN ... NOT BUILD A TIME MACHINE I’M GUESSING
"I would have cut off both my balls. I’d give those up, no problem. You could have neutered me. I woulda been neutered with a smile." -- Former Bears receiver and No. 8 overall pick in the 2008 NFL Draft David Terrell, after being named one of the Chicago Bears all-time draft busts by Chicago publication RedEye. This answer was in response to the question: "What would you have given to play with a quarterback like a Jay Cutler?" (Mile High Report)
IF PETE CARROLL LINED UP AGAINST TARELL BROWN HE WOULD BE JACKED AND PUMPED
"He’s never gonna be out there lined up against me. I wish he would. I’d put my hands around his neck." -- Seattle Seahawks cornerback Brandon Browner, responding to San Francisco 49ers coach Jim Harbuagh’s comments in which Harbaugh called into question the numerous PED suspensions by the Seattle Seahawks. (Shutdown Corner)
HIS NFL TEAM BETTER HAZE HIM WITH PARKING TICKETS ALL YEAR
"Bullsh*t like tonight is a reason why I can’t wait to leave college station… whenever it may be" -- Texas A&M quarterback and last year’s Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Manziel, letting us know how he really feels about Texas A&M in a tweet that he subsequently deleted. It was about a parking ticket. (Houston Chronicle)
IF SHAHID KHAN BUYS FULHAM I HOPE JAXSON DEVILLE BECOMES BEST FRIENDS WITH DAMIEN DUFF
""@ProFootballTalk: @JaxsonDeVille Kitty has claws." And other stuff! Difference between us: I can do your job No chance u can do mine" -- Just part of a Twitter fight between Pro Football Talk editor Mike Florio and Jaguars mascot Jaxson DeVille’s Twitter account. I can’t believe I’m even typing this but it started with the person who runs Jaguars mascot Jaxson DeVille’s Twitter account calling Florio an idiot and I am also so glad I am on Twitter. (Awful Announcing)
I HAVE NO QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR HEART, ED REED, JUST YOUR HIP
"Only play I can look at is when I got kicked by a certain quarterback but even then I played in the Super Bowl and you saw what happened there. Even then I had two MCL sprains, a second degree one in the left in the Super Bowl in the first quarter and played through that. So if you’ve got any questions about my heart and how I play and how I work [that’s your answer]." -- New Houston Texans safety Ed Reed, on when he believes the torn labrum in his hip which he has already had surgery to repair happened. The play was a leg-up slide late in the second quarter by New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady of the AFC Championship Game versus the Balitmore Ravens on Jan. 20; Brady was fined $10,000 for the slide. (Houston Chronicle)
RAP GAME ARIAN FOSTER HEALING ED REED'S HIP WITH HIS SICK FLOW
"I think he’s really good. I think people would be really surprised to hear him do his thing. I remember we were at Connor’s [Barwin] going-away party, and he and Andre [Johnson] were talking about him rapping and he’s like, ‘Bun, tell this man I can rap, yo. Tell this dude I can rap.’ I’m telling him like, ‘Dre, he can go.’ Dre’s like, ‘Alright,’ I’m like, ‘No, he’s actually really good, ‘Dre. You’ll have to come check him out.’ So ‘Dre was like, ‘Alright, I’m going to check him out.’ Now, I don’t know how much rapping he does in the locker room. I don’t know if those guys are even listening to him doing any of that. It’s just funny, man. He’s really proud of what he can do, and he should be." -- Texas rap legend Bun B, on Texans RB Arian Foster’s rapping skills (HoustonTexans.com)
THE BEST THING MOVING FORWARD IS PROBABLY WILL LYLES CUTTING A $25,000 CHECK TO MICHAEL VICK
"When I was hiring staff, I wanted to hire a lot of smart people. Then let’s sit together as a group and say, ‘Alright, what did you do in the quick game? How do we want to do it in the quick game? This is what we did here. How did you call it in Cleveland, [offensive coordinator] Pat [Shurmur and defensive coordinator] Bill [Davis]?’ [Wide receivers coach] Bobby [Bicknell], came from the Buffalo Bills: ‘How did you do it?’ How did [offensive line coach] Jeff Stoutland do it in Alabama? And then we came up with what is the best way for the 2013 Eagles to run it. And we did it in every phase: the screen game, the quick game, the drop back game, the run game, all those things. What’s our two minute offense going to look like? It’s collaboration from everybody we put together on our staff. And everybody has a say, and we’ll all talk it through, and then we’ll, as a group, decide on what is the best thing moving forward." -- New Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly, on designing an offense. Twenty days after saying this Kelly received an 18-month show-cause penalty for his failure to monitor the Oregon football program. So good news Eagles fans: Kelly won’t be designing an offense for any NCAA teams for 18 months. (Smart Football)
OAKLAND’S GOT A WALKING ‘ROUND, ALWAYS MAD REPUTATION
"It's sunnier, I tell you that! Oakland is pretty rough and it's got its reputation. In that sense it's similar to Longsight. You just be careful where you go, be careful what you do, always know your surroundings and where you are and you'll be fine!" -- Oakland Raiders offensive tackle Menelik Watson, when asked how Oakland compares to his hometown of Manchester, England (Daily Mail)
INCIDENTALLY THE JUICE OF GOD IS ACTUALLY THE STREET NAME FOR WELCH’S GRAPE JUICE
"Man, it's a lot of prayer. The juice of God." -- Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson, when an unnamed Detroit Lions linebacker said to him on the field: "Whatever you were juicing on, let me know. I need it." (CBS Sports)
"REGIS PHILBIN IS A BETTER PASS RUSHER THAN Michael Strahan"
"Nobody ever talks about Simeon [Rice]. Simeon was a better rusher than Michael Strahan any day of the week and twice on Sunday." -- Former Tampa Bay Buccaneers defensive tackle Warren Sapp, declaring teammate Simeon Rice a better pass rusher than Michael Strahan.
"Warren’s an idiot. He just wants to say things to be idiotic. I played with Stray for my whole career. He is the greatest of the great. He is a great teammate, he kept things light, but on game day he was as serious as a heart attack and it showed in his play." -- Former New York Giants running back Tiki Barber, responding to Warren Sapp’s latest critique of Michael Strahan (Awful Announcing)
THIS IS VERY SIMILAR TO A COMMENT JASON KIDD WILL BE MAKING SOMETIME IN 2015
"I'm a hell of a lot better football coach than I'm given credit for. I don't care. I don't need the credit. But I can tell you one thing, when it's said and done, they'll look back and say, 'Oh man, this dude can coach his butt off.' And you know what? It's true. And I'll let the people that know best talk on my behalf about the kind of coach I am." -- New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan, who will be entering his fifth season coaching the Jets in 2013. (Newsday)
CRAIG DAHL MUST BE WRONG IN THIS INSTANCE BECAUSE CORTLAND FINNEGAN NEVER HAS A PROBLEM WITH OTHER PLAYERS
"Craig Dahl is lame and weak for that glad he with another squad we know how he play thanks for the tips we know who 2 go at"
"Craig Dahl we know how you play thanks for the tips we know who to attack early and often" -- St. Louis Rams cornerback Cortland Finnegan, responding to a link which said that new San Francisco 49ers safety Craig Dahl, who left the Rams in the offseason, told the coaching staff that the Rams were successful against them last season because they were able to diagnose run or pass based on the personnel and formation (Shutdown Corner)
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CHASE DANIEL’S EARS JUST PERKED UP
"If it ends up being an interception, OK, it’s an interception. You learn from it. These are smart guys so they learn from it and once they get into the season, they’re not experimenting with it on game day and they know what they can get away with and know what they can’t."
"It’s a new offense. I would tell any quarterback that comes in new that that’s what you need to do. I’ve told them all that. Go ahead and take your shots and see what you can get away with, within reason. But if it’s a close throw, there are going to be a few of those in the National Football League on game day so you need to know what you can get away with on each route." -- New Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid, on wanting new Chiefs quarterback Alex Smith to be more aggressive, particularly during offseason practice (Kansas City Star)
YEAH AND HOW ABOUT SEASON TWO OF THE NEWSROOM! *DECOMMITS*
"I snapped on him. Told him I hadn’t seen it yet and didn’t want it ruined." -- Newly recruited Iowa State running back Tommy Mister, after ISU graduate assistant Derek Day asked him what he thought about the Red Wedding on Game of Thrones. The Red Wedding of course happened in the third season of the show and Mister had only seen up to the first season of Game of Thrones.
"I was peaking a little bit. [Daenerys Targaryen] was growing those dragons and getting ready for war, but I didn’t catch up on it a lot. I am going to love it." -- Mister, on the next two seasons of Game of Thrones. (Ames Tribune)
I ALSO DON’T PLAY KEEP AWAY BECAUSE WHERE I COME FROM WE CALL IT MONKEY IN THE MIDDLE
"Running the football … there's a reason why you do it. At the end of the day, our job ultimately is to put the ball in the end zone. I don't play keep away. I think there's two schools of thought when you play football. Some guys like to shorten the game, play great defense, play field position and try not to lose it. I want to play as fast as I can and throw as many punches as I possibly can and beat you as bad as I can. That's the way we play." -- Green Bay Packers head coach Mike McCarthy, discussing his philosophy on running the football (ESPN Wisconsin)
IF JASON PIERRE-PAUL IS ANYTHING LIKE "MAN OF STEEL," THE GIANTS SHOULD GO AHEAD AND PUT HIM ON PUP
"I expect him to be back too. He’s kind of like a new age Superman. Everybody tells me he’s doing well. I’ve seen him walking around and doing his rehab stuff. We’ll see what happens." -- New York Giants defensive end Justin Tuck, on fellow Giants defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul returning to play the regular-season opener at Dallas. Pierre-Paul is currently recovering from back surgery (Sulia)
THE ONLY SOLUTION HERE IS TO START USING "MANBEARPIG"
"I think the guys have been trying to get away from the Gurshall label a little bit because they are two individual human beings. So I’m all for kind of breaking off that saying." -- Georgia head coach Mark Richt, giving his thoughts on the moniker "Gurshall." "Gurshall" is sophomore Georgia running backs Todd Gurley and Keith Marshall and is a nod to Heisman Trophy winner Herschel Walker (Athens Banner-Herald)
MAYBE IT CAME FROM THE MAGNA CARTA HOLY GRAIL
"He’s not a diva. I don’t see the diva. I don’t get where that came from. Maybe it was somebody with sour grapes who didn’t get to pick him and is spreading some bad stuff out there. But he’s been great for us." -- New York Jets center Nick Mangold, when asked about rookie quarterback Geno Smith (New York Post)
THERE’S A NEW DORITOS LOCOS TACO FLAVOR COMING SOON THOUGH!
"This is not vacation time. You can take a trip or whatever. That's fine. But this six weeks that everybody has is not just go home and eat Doritos." -- Bills pass-rusher Mario Williams, on the six-week break between mandatory minicamp and training camp, but also the deliciousness of Doritos (The Buffalo News)
COVER, OF COURSE, IS ONLY A NOUN TO THE INCREDIBLE HULK
“His arms are bigger than anybody on the planet. He looks like the Incredible Hulk." -- Indianapolis Colts head coach Chuck Pagano, on new Colts free safety LaRon Landry (Indianapolis Star)
DICTIONARY WAS ALWAYS ON THE TOP SHELF
"I don’t even know those words. I don’t pay attention to it. I think the biggest thing is just focusing on tomorrow and focusing on the day — the rest of the day that I have and the next couple hours I have here." -- Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson, on the phrase "sophomore slump" (The News Tribune)
SIT PERFECTLY STILL, ONLY PEYTON MAY YELL
"We don’t need all that rah-rah screaming stuff. Just do your job and get it done well." -- Denver Broncos defensive lineman Derek Wolfe, on the Denver Broncos’ defense (DenverBroncos.com)
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