compiled by Rory Hickey
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HANDLED INTERNALLY
"Recently, we have addressed issues of respect--respect for co-workers, opponents, fans, game officials, and others. Whether in the context of workplace conduct, advancing policies of diversity and inclusion, or promoting professionalism in all we do, our mission has been to create and sustain model workplaces filled with people of character. Although the NFL is celebrated for what happens on the field, we must be equally vigilant in what we do off the field."
--NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, in an excerpt of a letter written to NFL owners regarding the league's new domestic violence policy, in which first-time offenders will be suspended for six games and repeat offenders could face a lifetime ban. (Pro Football Talk)
SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH SLIPPING ON A BANANA PEEL
"On Saturday August 23, 2014, I injured myself in a fall. I made up a story about this fall that was untrue. I was wrong not to tell the truth. I apologize to USC for my action on this part. My USC coaches, the USC athletic department, and especially coach [Steve] Sarkisian have all been supportive of me during my college career and for that, I am very grateful."
--Former USC captain Josh Shaw, admitting that the story he originally told about how he sprained his ankles was a lie. He did not in fact save his 7-year-old nephew from drowning in a pool. (Eye on College Football)
"Dear ESPN, Everyone but you is over it."
--St. Louis Rams defensive end Chris Long, reacting to a segment done on ESPN about Michael Sam's showering habits. (Sports Illustrated)
WELL THAT JUST SEEMS REALLY MEAN
"When I think of a Baltimore Raven, what I think of is you go in there, we take your lunch box, we take your sandwich, we take your juice box, we take your applesauce and we take your spork and we break it. And we leave you with an empty lunch. That's the Baltimore Raven way, that's the bully way and that's football."
--Baltimore Ravens wide receiver Steve Smith, trying to describe the Baltimore Ravens' bully-like ways and needlessly taking and breaking sporks. (NFL.com)
I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS
"I didn't know you could get a DUI for being high. I smoked two hours ago. I'm not high anymore. I'm perfectly fine. Why would I be getting high if I had to make it to my game?"
--Pittsburgh Steelers running back Le'Veon Bell, rationalizing to police that there would be no way he was smoking pot, while confessing to smoking pot. (WPXI)
CUT THAT MEAT!
"I accept it. Money well spent."
--Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning, accepting his $8,268 fine for taunting Houston Texans defensive back D.J. Swearinger. (Pro Football Talk)
JUST DON'T LOOK DOWN
"Got some kinks to work out, you can notice that stuff, little stuff like that--it's to the point where he don't trust his offensive lines that much, 'cause he's watching the rush. Little stuff like that."
--New York Jets defensive tackle Sheldon Richardson, giving his opinion of the play of Eli Manning during the Jets-Giants preseason game. (New York Post )
YEAH GROW THE F--K UP
"Who do you think you are? The game don't mean enough to you, and that's very f--king apparent. better wake up and get your pride in the game. Go out there and play like s--t? The s--t was coached the right way! I don't want any excuses, selfish ass. What the hell is this? Look at this crap. Are you kidding me?"
"It ain't OK to go around here and not know. That ain't cute. It ain't OK. Really don't care. That's as selfish an act as you can make. Grow the f--k up."
--Atlanta Falcons special teams coordinator Keith Armstrong, laying into several special teamers during a special teams meeting on 'Hard Knocks'. (Pro Football Talk)
I'M MORE CONFUSED THAN WHEN WE STARTED
"The game is not that complicated. If the guy is open, we've got to get him the ball. It's that simple. We can talk trajectory, we can talk it should be X amount of yards, 54 yards from the boundary and we can have red lines, which we do. We've got all that stuff. We've got all of the bells and whistles. But at the end of the day, when the guy is wide-open, we've got to make the plays."
--Miami Dolphins head coach Joe Philbin, explaining the game of football. (Palm Beach Post)
GIVES A WHOLE NEW MEANING TO 'WATCHING THE MASTERS'
"I think I'm done. I might have to follow Jim Henderson's recommendation from the [New Orleans Touchdown Club] luncheon [last week]. ... He was saying the 'V' word was next for me. Vasectomy. We've got some football games to win first. And then as I've been told by those who have experienced it, do it Saturday before the final round of The Masters so I've got an excuse to sit around and watch it."
--New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees, after announcing the birth of his fourth child. (The Times-Picayune)
AND IN CONCLUSION, WE DIDN'T WANT HIM THAT MUCH
"Logan Mankins is everything we would ever want in a football player. It is hard to imagine a better player at his position, a tougher competitor or a person to represent our program. He is one of the all-time great Patriots and the best guard I ever coached. Logan brought a quiet but unmistakable presence and leadership that will be impossible to duplicate. Unfortunately, this is the time of year when difficult decisions have to be made--and this is one of the most difficult we will ever make--but like every other decision it was made for what we feel is in the best interests of the team."
--New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, singing the praises of new Tampa Bay Buccaneers guard Logan Mankins. Mankins was traded to Tampa Bay on Tuesday. (Patriots.com)
CAN WE QUANTIFY THAT?
"We're the glitz and the glamour of the NFL. We want to kick [our opponents'] you-know-what with glitz and glamour."
--Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, espousing the values of glitz and glamour.(Dallas Morning News)
"Let's stop beating around the bush, Kirk Cousins has played much better at the quarterback position than Robert Griffin III has. Now, Robert is learning to work out of a pocket. He doesn't look as smooth or as comfortable throwing the football. I mean, your eyes will tell you everything you need to know. It's going to be a decision that Jay Gruden is going to have to make. Right now, Robert Griffin III is his quarterback. Now, if there was a quarterback competition, it wouldn't be a competition. Kirk Cousins would be the man I believe he would have to go to, because of the efficiency with which he has run [the offense]. Now Kirk, like I said, is basically a drop-back quarterback. I see Andy Dalton in Cincinnati, I see Kirk Cousins that way…"
--Former Washington Redskins quarterback Joe Theismann, giving his opinion on who the current Redskins quarterback should be. (D.C. Sports Bog)
DON'T BRING IT TO THE FIELD IF YOU CAN'T PULL IT OFF
"Not at all, I was just having some fun, nothing personal. I actually worked out with Victor in the offseason this year. I know him personally. I didn't take a jab at him or anything like that. I was just having some fun with something that everyone knows in the stadium."
AND CAN SOMEONE PLEASE PASS TO BLOUNT?!?
"Man, the Pittsburgh Steelers need a new [darn] offensive coordinator. This guy sucks. Coach Tomlin, this is Snoop Dogg, man. Fire that [fellow] and get us a real offensive coordinator. We ain't won a playoff game since we had this [guy], man. [Shoot]. "
--Rapper Snoop Dogg, giving his highly displeased assessment of the Pittsburgh Steelers' offense. (Shutdown Corner)
NICK SABAN ALREADY KNEW THAT
"His daughter was my first kiss, back in the day. So yeah ... I don't know if I should have said that. For clarification, we were like six years old! Just so everybody knows that."
--West Virginia starting quarterback Clint Trickett, when asked if he knew Alabama head coach Nick Saban very well. (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)