Compiled by Cale Clinton
OH CRY ME A RIVER
"We had a problem... We had no more room to put banners so we had to change the construction around, so we have a surprise for our fans."
-- New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft vents about the struggles and sorrows of being unable to fit his team's fifth championship banner into Gillette Stadium. (Boston Herald)
NOW THIS IS SOMETHING I CAN GET BEHIND
"I think if we have a few big years and make the playoffs, if we win a Super Bowl, I'm giving out beer to everybody."
SHE'S A CRUEL MISTRESS
"Hot babes in college, you might get eye contact, maybe a smile and then never hear from her again, right? So I'm chasing this hot babe known as the Lombardi Trophy. I got a couple looks at one point in time, distant glances. No smiles yet. I'm trying to get up close and personal to that babe. That's it. I gotta end it on that."
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I SEE HONEY BADGER'S BACK ON THE WEED
"I'm the best player in the world, that's how I feel."
LAVAR BALL BREAKING BARRIERS, NOW RUNNING HIS MOUTH ABOUT TWO SPORTS
"[New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski] can't hang with me back in my heyday, too fast, too strong!"
Basketball father and perennial source of hot takes Lavar Ball, making his way into the NFL headlines by saying that in his heyday, he was leagues better than the consensus best tight end in the NFL, Rob Gronkowski. (Rizz and Hammer, ESPN Cleveland)
1994 Jets Training Camp had some new faces including Art Monk, Ronnie Lott...and LaVar Ball. pic.twitter.com/uVO5vBLpSZ
— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) July 26, 2017
"Man, he's talking all that junk -- and he was garbage. Personally, I think the most athletic people in the world are basketball players, and he actually wasn't a bad athlete, to be honest with you. But he was no comparison to what his kids are -- let's just put it like that."
-- Former cornerback and Ball's ex-teammate Kenny McEntyre, reacting to Ball's braggadocios quote (Bleacher Report)
THE QUEENS WE USE WOULD NOT EXCITE YOU
"I've been fortunate in my career to have guys like Duke Johnson that have not only great running skills, but also skills as a receiver and skills as a player-in-space… They're like the queen on the chess board. They can move to every spot. They can do everything and they give you an advantage when it comes to personnel matchups."
THIS WEEK IN COLIN KAEPERNICK
"What you do off the field, don't let too many people know, because they gonna judge you anyway. No matter what you do. No matter if it's good or bad… if you do nothing else young man, get back on the football field and let your play speak for itself."
"Ravens HC John Harbaugh & GM Ozzie Newsome support signing Colin Kaepernick, but have met resistance from owner Steve Bisciotti per sources"
-- ESPN's Dianna Russini, reporting Kaepernick-related conflict amongst Ravens management. (Dianna Russini, Twitter)
"Your opinions matter to us. We're very sensitive to it, and we're monitoring it, and we're still, as Ozzie says, scrimmaging it, and we're trying to figure out what's the right tact. So pray for us."
"We are going through a process, and we have not made a decision. Steve Bisciotti has not told us we cannot sign Colin Kaepernick, nor has he blocked the move. Whoever is making those claims is wrong."
-- Newsome, in a statement released via the Ravens' Twitter account. (Baltimore Ravens, Twitter)
"I find it crazy that a team has to reach out to sponsors & fans about signing someone who peacefully protested social injustice!!! Wonder... Did they have to reach out to keep a player after a murder trial or a two game Domestic violence suspension?! Just questions."
-- Former Pittsburgh Steelers defensive back Ryan Clark, questioning whether the Ravens have a moral leg to stand on given the way they have stood by Ray Lewis and Ray Rice in the past. (Ryan Clark, Twitter, Part I and Part II)
THE MAN'S GOT A GOOD POINT
"I hope All these young cats that are willing to die for the game of football find a higher purpose in life... Look football is great but I ain't dying for this sh*t. Lol."
-- Green Bay Packers tight end Martellus Bennett bluntly giving his opinion on making the ultimate sacrifice for the game of football. This is in reaction to Jets rookie Jamal Adams saying that the football field is the "perfect place to die." (Martellus Bennett, Twitter, Part I and Part II)
THE WEEK IN PICS, GIFS, & TWEETS
THE NEWEST ADDITION TO 'AWFUL DEPICTIONS OF TOM BRADY'
— Raul Martinez (@RaulNBCBoston) August 1, 2017
-- NBC Boston sports anchor Raul Martinez, highlighting a new wax statue of New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. Despite his "pretty boy" looks, depictions of Brady have always resembled something out of the Uncanny Valley.
JAY CUTLER: NEVER PRETENDING FOOTBALL IS ANYTHING BESIDES A JOB TO HIM
— Jason Lieser (@JasonLieser) August 7, 2017
TOP-5 RETIREMENT ANNOUNCEMENT OF ALL TIME, ANY SPORT
-- Former New England Patriots and Houston Texans defensive tackle Vince Wilfork, 35, announcing that after 13 seasons, he is finished with pro football and will move on to full-time eating.
WHEN THE PROJECTIONS FOR THIS SEASON BRING BACK MEMORIES OF 2007
(ALTERNATE HEADLINE: ELI MANNING DANCES EXACTLY HOW YOU WOULD EXPECT HIM TO DANCE)
: @bradwing9 pic.twitter.com/V5PcWvPJeH
— Brandon Marshall (@BMarshall) August 1, 2017
— yesssuhhhh (@Prosper__King) August 1, 2017
Your team could NEVER pic.twitter.com/MLC7KqFIhj
— yesssuhhhh (@Prosper__King) August 1, 2017
-- Basically the entire New York Giants team having some fun after training camp, dancing to "Pull Up On a Kid" by Young Thug (Twitter)
ROOKIE 1, VET 0
— Bill Voth (@PanthersBill) August 2, 2017
-- A clip from Panthers training camp showing rookie running back Christian McCaffrey spinning veteran linebacker Luke Kuechly like a top on one particular play. (Bill Voth, Twitter)
FINALLY, PARTICIPATION TROPHIES CAN BE PUT TO GOOD USE
-- Jacksonville Jaguars rookie running back Leonard Fournette, in an ad for Met-RX, melting down and destroying more than 700 trophies and having them molded into weights to be donated to a Jacksonville high school. (YouTube)
BATTLE FOR LOS ANGELES
— Lisa Lane (@LisaLane_Sports) August 10, 2017
-- Tempers flare as the Chargers and Rams brawl during a joint practice, as captured by Lisa Lane of Fox Sports.