by Cale Clinton
THE NFL'S BOOGEYMAN
"Whenever Belichick makes a trade, the whole league gets nervous. Teams always wonder, 'What does he know that I'm missing?' He's in a lot of people's heads."
-- An anonymous front office executive pulls the curtain back following the New England Patriots' trade with the Los Angeles Rams. The Patriots sent wide receiver Brandin Cooks to L.A. in exchange for the 23rd overall pick. New England was poised to trade up in the draft, which I'm sure would have been this NFL exec's worst nightmare. (Mike Freeman/Twitter)
SILLY JERRY. A HELICOPTER WOULDN'T EVEN FIT THROUGH THE DOORWAY
"I would not, in any way, impugn the integrity of our decision making in the draft room. I'm not throwing a helicopter in the middle of it."
-- Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones firmly establishes that there would not be any big splashes made in the NFL draft just because the event was taking place in the Cowboys' home city. (Drew Davidson/Twitter)
TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE
"Don't listen to the guys on TV."
-- Oakland Raiders head coach and former TV personality Jon Gruden discourages viewers from listening to him reference Spider 2 Y Banana for the umpteenth time on Gruden Grinders. (Vic Tafur/Twitter)
NO BETTER FASHION STATEMENT THAN BAGGY, OVERSIZED SUITS
"I'm not doing the flashback draft day post because all our suits were absolute trash in 08."
"I'm pretty sure Steve Harvey's tailor fit me."
"Well my outfit I rocked on the couch while watching the draft was glorious. I assume it was sweat pants. Not much has changed since then."
STEVE SMITH'S SUCCESSOR?
"You want to know the truth about how I feel? They have never been able to replace me. Until now."
-- Former Carolina Panthers wide receiver Steve Smith Sr. applauds his former team's selection of Maryland wide receiver D.J. Moore. Smith went on to say that Moore has "a PhD in route-running." (Jourdan Rodrigue/Twitter)
WHEN YOURE A BUST YOURE A BUST ALL THE WAY, FROM YOUR FIRST OVERALL TO YOUR LAST THROWING DAY
"Being a 'bust' means you were the top 1 percent of the 1 percent and didn't pan out. That's why players don't call other players a bust. Fans and media are the only people who will call a guy a bust."
"Tracked a raccoon one time in the snow because I was in the neighborhood and was just curious where this raccoon lived, you know? There's fresh raccoon tracks and he had been digging through someone's garbage so I followed the tracks. I don't even know if these people know it but he lives right in the back of their house in a bunch brush and trees. Because you can follow it approximately right where he's at."
"It was like on a cartoon or something, blatant tracks. It was residential enough, so I was curious where this sucker lived. I walked about a half-mile out of my way to sort that out."
-- Washington State head coach Mike Leach is apparently an especially good tracker when he isn't coaching football. During one of Leach's walks to work, he allegedly tracked a raccoon for three and a half miles just to see where he lives. (Pardon My Take/Instagram)
IT'S EVEN HARD FOR CLEVELAND TO BLOW THIS ONE
"We have a better chance of making a right decision than a wrong one."
-- Cleveland Browns head coach Hue Jackson, equipped with the No. 1 and No. 4 overall picks in the NFL Draft, jokes that even they couldn't screw this up. If you ask some graders, however, they certainly managed to do just that. (Daryl Ruiter/Twitter)
PETE CARROLL: STREETWEAR ICON
"I've got some Air Monarchs for you that'll put those to shame!!"
-- Seattle Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll outs himself as a sneakerhead. Carroll's comments were in response to rapper Kanye West's tweets showing off new colorways for his Yeezy 500s. (Pete Carroll/Twitter)
"I'm a Steelers fan but still…"
"I'm not signing yours."
-- Bortles' reply. Yes, he was joking. (Jaguars/Twitter)
THE MUMMER'S MUSINGS
"Walking down on the parade that day, I can't remember who came up to me but somebody came up to me with ashes in their hand. They said somebody literally… they said 'Kelc, I don't know what to do, somebody just poured their grandfather's ashes in my hands.' I was like 'I don't know what to do either.'"
-- Philadelphia Eagles center Jason Kelce recalls a strange story from the team's Super Bowl parade. A particularly
deranged enthusiastic Eagles fan decided to spread his grandfather's ashes -- right into the hands of an unnamed Eagles player. (USA Today)
"I'm not paying attention to all that stuff very much. I've always been the No. 2 guy. Coming out of high school Ricky Town was the dude. He was going to [USC], I was going to UCLA, he was No. 1 in the country, I was No. 2, he was going to bring USC back to the promise land. After Ricky kind of faded away a bit, Blake Barnett was the Elite 11 MVP. He was the dude, he was gonna go to Bama, win a couple championships, call it quits, go to the league, first overall pick. You don't really hear about him too much. Sam Darnold, Baker Mayfield, these dudes that are these exotic, cool, flashy quarterbacks, the No. 1 pick, all this stuff, and I'm No. 2 and you know what? I'm gonna sit here and in a couple years, when it's all said and done, I'll still be standing."
-- Arizona Cardinals quarterback Josh Rosen talks pre-draft about the fact that he has always been considered a second fiddle when compared to quarterbacks over the years. (Jordan Heck)
"There were nine mistakes ahead of me."
-- Upon getting drafted 10th overall by the Arizona Cardinals, Rosen showed a bit more of his true colors. Despite there being a few hours left in the draft, Rosen also expressed in his immediate post-draft interview that all he wants to do right now is fly down to Arizona and start playing football. (Sports Illustrated)
THE NEW GIANTS GM MAKES MY JOB SO MUCH EASIER
"With the second pick, I'm sitting at Ben & Jerry's and I have a lot of different flavors to look at." (Andrew Siciliano/Twitter)
"A quarterback makes everyone better, but if you think about it, [Saquon Barkley] makes our quarterback better." (Dianna Russini/Twitter)
"We got big butts, we got power, we got speed. Sorry if that was inappropriate. And we got a quarterback that we really liked, so I'm not angry." (Ralph Vacchiano/Twitter)
-- These are just some of the many musings offered by new New York Giants general manager Dave Gettleman, who has been dubbed a "quote machine" by Andrew Siciliano. After doing these pieces for almost a calendar year now, I'd have to agree with Andrew.
LAMAR'S LOFTY CLAIMS
"They gonna get a Super Bowl out of me."
-- Baltimore Ravens quarterback Lamar Jackson sets the bar very high for himself following his 32nd overall selection in this year's NFL draft. (Bleacher Report)
"Definitely gonna put some of that in savings and try and invest, but I gotta get my mom a crib ... mom and dad's crib … he's got a tat of the Jets [on his forearm] … maybe that'll be another purchase."
-- -New York Giants running back Saquon Barkley already has his priorities in order as he lists what his first purchases will be with his NFL money. (ESPN NFL/Twitter)
CUTTING WWE PROMOS IN THE NFL
"Hey Dallas, the last time you were in a Super Bowl, these picks weren't even born yet!"
-- Former Philadelphia Eagles kicker David Akers was arguably the most exciting aspect of the Eagles' draft. When he came out to deliver the 49th overall pick for the Eagles, he took his sweet time and even managed to piss off a few Cowboys fans. (Leading NFL/Twitter)
THIS WEEK IN SOCIAL MEDIA
'SO I'VE GOT THAT GOING FOR ME. WHICH IS NICE.'
His Holiness the Dalai Lama wearing a cap and holding a football presented by Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers during their meeting at his residence in Dharamsala, HP, India on April 10, 2018. Photo by Ven Tenzin Jamphel #dalailama
-- Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has a chance to meet His Holiness the Dalai Lama. Rodgers even gave His Holiness his own Packers hat.
REAL RECOGNIZE REAL
-- San Francisco 49ers cornerback Richard Sherman acknowledges a fan at the Warriors game screaming out Sherman's infamous "sorry receiver" quote.
"There are those people who are in your corner no matter what, you can't do any wrong, even when you do wrong. And then there are those people that no matter what you do they're going to dislike you and that's not going to change." - Brett Favre #DraftEve #MMO pic.twitter.com/6bCE9SxqI6
— Baker Mayfield (@bakermayfield) April 26, 2018
-- Cleveland Browns quarterback Baker Mayfield, who drew comparisons to Green Bay Packers legend Brett Favre coming into the draft, recreates Favre's iconic draft day photo (complete with oversized cell phone).
THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE NFL
Outside of NFL Scheduling mavens Howard Katz and Michael North, here's the man that might have most influenced the NFL schedule: pic.twitter.com/yxXu9MFB80
— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) April 20, 2018
-- When the NFL schedule for 2018 was released, it was revealed that certain games had to be worked around pop star Ed Sheeran's upcoming stadium tour.
AT LEAST HE CAN VISIT OAKLAND ONCE PER SEASON
— Sports Illustrated (@SInow) April 24, 2018
-- Denver Broncos punter Marquette King learns the hard way he's not in sunny SoCal anymore as he's greeted with snow in one of his first days with his new team.
EVERYBODY'S A CRITIC
-- Houston Texans defensive end J.J. Watt, who is now beloved by the city, reveals what people initially thought when Houston originally drafted him.
THAT'S WHAT TEAMMATES ARE FOR
— The Checkdown (@thecheckdown) April 27, 2018
-- Green Bay Packers cornerback Jaire Alexander cuts his interview short in order to celebrate college teammate Lamar Jackson's selection by the Baltimore Ravens
'TIME MAKES YOU BOLDER, CHILDREN GET OLDER...'
Since posting texts is a thing now.... from my oldest daughter after we drafted Sam Darnold... pic.twitter.com/epu8QMkV0k
-- New York Jets quarterback Josh McCown gets hit with a ton of bricks as his daughter reveals that not only is Sam Darnold almost half McCown's age, he's also barely older than McCown's daughter.
BAD OMEN FOR THE BROWNS?
— Cut4 (@Cut4) April 27, 2018
-- So much for being the best arm in the draft: Baker Mayfield's first pitch at the Cleveland Indians game left a lot to be desired.
NASHVILLE'S OFFICIALLY A HOCKEY TOWN
— NHL on NBC (@NHLonNBCSports) April 29, 2018
-- Tennessee Titans quarterback Marcus Mariota and his offensive line turn the Nashville Predators playoff games into a huge party, complete with catfish beer luge.
LIKE WE SAID: QUOTE MACHINE
Here's Dave Gettleman's response when asked about the positional value of RBs: "a lot of that's nonsense [...] someone who had this idea and got into the analytics of it" pic.twitter.com/8s23UQfoFE
— Ben Baldwin (@guga31bb) April 27, 2018
-- The afore-mentioned Dave Gettleman making fun of analysts everywhere with the dreaded "fake typewriter" hand motion.