by Cale Clinton
THANKS A LOT, DAD
"If my dad wasn't such a scrub we would all be first rounders smh" -- Chicago Bears guard Kyle Long rips his "scrub" father after watching the San Francisco 49ers select Ohio State edge rusher Nick Bosa No. 2 overall in the 2019 NFL Draft. Bosa's brother, Los Angeles Chargers defensive end Joey Bosa, was selected No. 3 overall in the 2018 NFL Draft; their father John was selected 16th overall by the Miami Dolphins in 1987, making them the first father-son-son trio since Archie, Peyton, and Eli Manning to all be first-round draftees. Kyle Long was selected 20th overall in 2013 while his brother Chris went second overall in 2008, while their father Howie was "only" drafted 48th overall in 1981. (Kyle Long via Twitter)
DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY
"Before the Seahawks get all confident they can move on from Russell Wilson, they should take some time to remember they also thought Matt Flynn was a franchise quarterback." -- Amid trade rumors surrounding Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson before he signed his extension, NFL Network's Adam Rank reminded Twitter that the Seahawks haven't had the best track record assessing quarterbacks. "Damn, dude. Chill." -- Former Seattle Seahawks quarterback Matt Flynn found the tweet. Whoops. "Oh yeah, no disrespect, man. I didn't mean that in a bad way." -- Rank tries to save some face in a reply to Flynn. (Adam Rank, NFL Network via Twitter)
"I mean Myles [Garrett] is weird because he's into dinosaurs. Those are long gone. Bigfoot's still running around. Myles does his own thing, like, we get it, bud. They've been dead for a while. Bigfoot's real … [hunting Bigfoot]'s known as 'Squatching.' They range from 7 to 8 1/2 feet. Big suckers. I know if I went out there, I'd catch him." -- Cleveland Browns quarterback Baker Mayfield rags on defensive end and teammate Myles Garrett for being "into" dinosaurs while announcing his belief in Bigfoot in the same breath. (Laces Out Show, Barstool Sports via Instagram)
THE CAKE IS A LIE
"The thing with me is I have seven kids. So in January, we have three birthdays. We've got a family birthday party, which includes cake. And then, we've got a friend's birthday party, which includes cake. So that's six times in January. We've got three birthdays in March -- March 1, March 6, and March 11 -- which, again, that's a tough stretch. That's cake six out of 10 or 11 days. Then, we've got an April birthday so it doesn't slow down. But now that the birthdays are behind me, I think I'm going to try to go from peak offseason form maybe down to peak in-season form. I'll be OK." -- Miami Dolphins quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick fielded questions about his offseason weight gain during OTAs. Was it a new diet? A lack of work ethic? Old age? Nope. Birthday cake. Lots and lots of birthday cake. (USA Today)
DIDN'T HE THROW FOUR PICKS IN HIS DEBUT WITH THE BEARS?
"Major clogged ducts. Jay had to get them out for me, sucking harder than he's ever sucked." -- Former star of The Hills Kristin Cavallari revealed in a promo for her reality television show that husband and former NFL quarterback Jay Cutler had to really suck hard to unclog her milk ducts. (Jezebel)
ROLL DAMN TIDE
"If they played a little better in high school, maybe they could've gone to Alabama." -- Cleveland Browns head coach and former Alabama quarterback Freddie Kitchens was told on ESPN that he may not be welcomed back in Tuscaloosa if he continued to surround himself with LSU alumni. The Cleveland Browns currently have former LSU wide receivers Odell Beckham and Jarvis Landry on their roster and also drafted LSU cornerback Greedy Williams in the second round. Kitchens' response proves his blood still bleeds Crimson. (Andrew Harbaugh, Scorecrow via Twitter)
AND WITH THE SIXTH OVERALL PICK IN THE 2019 NFL DRAFT, THE NEW YORK GIANTS SELECT…
"Maybe we're going to be the Green Bay model, Kim. Where [Aaron] Rodgers sat for three years. Who knows? You can never have too many good players at one position. … Who knows? I may go out there in my car and get hit. You don't know, Sal. We drafted a quarterback that we think is a franchise quarterback. That's really the long and short of it." -- New York Giants general manager Dave Gettleman announces that his team may use the "Green Bay model" with the No. 6 overall selection, quarterback Daniel Jones. When pressed on the issue, Gettleman really leans into the hypotheticals. (Scott Barrett via Twitter) "For me, it's been a while, very frankly … I loved him on film … And then I went to the Senior Bowl … But I had gone to see Dwayne [Haskins] at Ohio State. I had seen Kyler [Murray] and Will [Grier] play each other. I had seen Dwayne play in the Big 12 -- is that the Big 12 anymore? So, I had seen those guys play. And to me it's really important that you see the quarterbacks play [live, in person]. Seeing them in the environment is very important. … I had decided to stay for the [Senior Bowl]. And frankly, Jordan, he walked out there and I saw a professional quarterback, after the three series that I watched. I saw a professional quarterback, so that's when I was in full bloom" -- Gettleman describing when he officially knew Jones was "his guy" after three series in the Senior Bowl. (Scott Barrett via Twitter) "Daniel Jones from Duke at number six? Yes, they need a young quarterback to groom as Eli's successor. But Dwayne Haskins was right there. Why not him? I don't follow college ball, but by every measurable Haskins is way better than Jones. Jones threw 52 TDs in three years at Duke, Haskins threw 50 in one year at Ohio State. [With] fewer interceptions. Against much tougher opposition. Dave Gettleman must have seen something in Jones that no one else could see. But even if you accept that, taking him at six seems insane. He would have been there at 17. Why not take Josh Allen or one of the other defensive studs at six, and Jones at 17? Makes much more sense. Who else was going to nab him? The Skins? The Skins preferred Haskins, that was common knowledge. Everyone in the world except the G-Men preferred Haskins, so far as I can see." -- Game of Thrones author and New York Giants fan George R. R. Martin is known to blog about football from time to time. After Round 1 of the Draft, he tore into the Giants harder than Jon Snow tears into White Walkers. (GeorgeRRMartin.com) "Daniel Jones embraces something we believe in here -- real swag is no swag." -- Duke head coach David Cutcliffe reveals why Jones is such a great culture fit on the new-look Giants, who traded away wide receiver Odell Beckham and defensive end Olivier Vernon this offseason. (Nicole Auerbach, The Athletic via Twitter)
'HA! GREAT JOKE! NO SERIOUSLY, DO IT.' -- 31 OTHER NFL TEAMS
"I'm retiring. In my spare time, I'll be tweeting #LFG" -- New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady joined Twitter on April Fool's Day and tried to have some fun with the occasion. (Tom Brady via Twitter)
A TALE OF TWO STEELERS SKILL POSITIONS
"Emotion: boy fumbled the whole post season in the biggest game of the year! Everyone went blind [too] busy making guys famous, not enough reality these days." -- Oakland Raiders wide receiver Antonio Brown had this to say after a Steelers fan sent him a picture of former teammate, Steelers wide receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster winning the team's 2018 MVP award. "All I ever did was show the Man love and respect from the moment I got into the league. I was genuinely happy for him too when he got traded to Oakland with a big contract, and now he takes shots at me on social media…Crazy how big that ego for to take shots at people who show you love!" -- Smith-Schuster posted this in response to Brown's comments. Brown retorted by posting a DM Smith-Schuster sent Brown while he was at USC, but it has since been deleted due to the fact that Smith-Schuster does nothing but praise Brown in the private message. (Field Yates, ESPN via Twitter) "I usually don't post private conversations…but this text just hit me so differently…I love you to death bro #AllPositiveVibes" -- New York Jets running back Le'Veon Bell clears the air by posting a text exchange between Pittsburgh Steelers running back James Conner and him, proving that not all positional battles in Pittsburgh end in public feuding. "What's up bro. Just reaching out, social media got dudes acting crazy and it got me thinkin you was always a real one, never talked bad about nobody and was always solid. I appreciate that! Congrats on the new deal, you weathered the storm and came out stronger. Like you always say all POSITIVE VIBES! Do ya thing brodi." -- The text Conner sent to Bell. ( Le'Veon Bell via Twitter)
THE NFL IS DARK AND FULL OF TERRORS
"You've got the Night King highstepping into the end sone like it's Super Bowl XXVII. The ball is extended. He has not crossed the plane. And that's how he dies. Generations of mysterious dominion over his icy world ended just like that. Because his entourage was asleep at the wheel and because of his laissez-faire-ass attitude." -- Philadelphia Eagles defensive end Chris Long, who has spent his offseason providing Game of Thrones episode recaps for Sports Illustrated, likens the Night King's demise to that of former Dallas Cowboys defensive tackle Leon Lett. (SI.com) "WOW! Why didn't y'all tell me Game of Thrones was like this!? Boobs, blood & guts, controversy, more boobs all in episode 1 of the 1st season! I'm locked in" -- Speaking of the Cowboys! Dallas Cowboys cornerback Byron Jones reveals he's a newcomer to the series, and he was seemingly gripped immediately from the series' pilot (Byron Jones via Twitter) "I've read all the comments and heard all the theories. This journey through 8 seasons has been an incredible experience and the story is still not done. I'm looking forward to finding out what happens next. But I want to be the first one to say it ... (cont)" -- Seattle Seahawks wide receiver Doug Baldwin teasing retirement after reports surfaced that injuries may have already ended his career. (Doug Baldwin Jr. via Twitter) "Jon Snow has to die for Khaleesi. He is the rightful heir to the throne but doesn't want it. His drive is to save humanity. Khaleesi only knows conquest and sacrificing himself for her will teach her true love, thus how she should rule -- with love. You heard it here first!" -- Baldwin's next Tweet, revealing his own personal GoT fan theory. (Doug Baldwin Jr. via Twitter)
'HOW 'BOUT THAT RIDE IN? I GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT SIN CITY'
"For the record, we asked 112 kids if they'd be OK on a Las Vegas Strip, or is it going to be a problem. All 112 of them said, 'No, Coach. It's going to be fine.' We didn't find one guy that admitted Las Vegas would be an issue. So they all lied to us." -- Oakland Raiders general manager Mike Mayock's team will make their move to Las Vegas in 2020, so he made sure to include that as part of his draft interview process. Either every prospect is a liar, or this is the most tame draft class in recent memory. (Michael Gehiken, Las Vegas Review-Journal via Twitter)
THAT DISGUISE WON'T FOOL ME
"Sources involved with Bills free-agency negotiations tells me team uninterested in Chad Ochocinco." -- The Athletic's Tim Graham reports that, despite a need at receiver, the Buffalo Bills are uninterested in wide receiver Chad Ochocinco. "What about Chad Johnson?" -- Former NFL wide receiver Chad Johnson, who legally changed his last name to Ochocinco in 2008 and had it changed back in 2012, clarifies whether the Bills are interested in the real receiver and not just his "alias." "Also no." -- Graham assures the free agent that the Bills want neither Chad Johnson nor Chad Ochocinco. (Tim Graham, The Athletic via Twitter)
OLD HABITS DIE HARD
"It doesn't help us -- I mean, help the former 'us.'" -- Former New Orleans Saints and current Baltimore Ravens running back Mark Ingram was asked a question about replaying pass interference calls. Despite the new uniform, Ingram couldn't help but think back to the infamous call during the Saints-Rams NFC Championship Game in 2018. (Jamison Hensley, ESPN via Twitter)
DELAYING THE INEVITABLE?
"That has not been thought about just yet. We're going to get through this first wave (of free agency) and see what we can do in free agency. Then after that, we'll look at different options." -- Denver Broncos general manager John Elway's comments on February 27 regarding the extension of cornerback Chris Harris Jr. "We'll talk about that later once we get through everything. Once we get through the draft, we'll see where we are (and) we'll see where we are budget-wise … It's something what we'd like to look at." -- Elway's comments on the Harrison extension, March 14. "We're going to get through the draft before we think of (any extensions), including Chris Harris." -- Elway's comments on the Harrison extension, March 24. "He's under contract, so we'll talk about that when the draft is over. When I say this, I say we're going to talk about it. It doesn't mean we're going to do it." -- Elway's comments on the Harrison extension, April 23. (Ryan O'Halloran, Denver Post via Twitter)
PAY THESE SOCIAL MEDIA TEAMS THE BONUSES THEY DESERVE
-- With the announcement of the 2019 NFL schedules, teams on Twitter got extra creative this year in their schedule reveals.
Football is coming.
— Atlanta Falcons (@AtlantaFalcons) April 17, 2019
-- The Atlanta Falcons gave us a video in the style of the iconic Game of Thrones introduction.
— Dallas Cowboys (@dallascowboys) April 18, 2019
-- The Dallas Cowboys took the ASMR route, complete with the rattling of Mardi Gras beads for the Saints and the clinking of a Lombardi trophy for the Patriots.
Wanna play a game? pic.twitter.com/mF5CeYnGUE
— Carolina Panthers (@Panthers) April 18, 2019
-- Of all the teams that used a gaming motif to reveal their schedule, the Carolina Panthers take the cake in this ode to some of the most iconic video games throughout history.
Should we REALLY make our schedule release video with stock footage?
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes pic.twitter.com/wAB8CdAfnB
— Los Angeles Chargers (@Chargers) April 18, 2019
-- The Los Angeles Chargers exclusively used stock videos to reveal their schedule, and, somehow, this seemingly low-effort solution ended up being the funniest of the bunch.
CLASSIC DRAFT DAY GOOFS IN HIGH-PRESSURE SITUATIONS
With the Colts on the clock, Redskins President/GM Bruce Allen called to offer a trade. While considering it, Colts GM Chris Ballard received a call from Browns GM John Dorsey. This was his reaction: pic.twitter.com/X09JGvQ1WO
— Brad Kelly (@BradKelly17) May 2, 2019
-- Indianapolis Colts general manager Chris Ballard reveals that Cleveland Browns general manager John Dorsey often shoots the Colts a call while they're on the clock just to add some extra pressure to the decision-making process.
A MIDDLE-OF-THE-ROAD HOME
Awesome day in Nashville remodeling this house w/my daughter & son-in-law. They are Nashville flippers IG: #jtmflips.
Let me save the jokesters some time: It's available 7/9 for 799,000 on the corner of 7th and 9th w/8x8 rooms - Except mine which is 13x3 w/ a 12x4 closet. pic.twitter.com/P2XMoVn4B4
— Jeff Fisher (@CoachJeffFisher) April 23, 2019
-- Former NFL head coach Jeff Fisher, who has gotten a reputation for finishing around .500, got the jokes out of the way when sharing that he was remodeling houses with his daughter.
IMITATION IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF FLATTERY
-- Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson posted this video, featuring wife Ciara and an uncharacteristically leathery voice, after signing a massive extension with the team.
MASSIVE STRIDES TOWARD A FULL RECOVERY
Ryan Shazier continues to amaze pic.twitter.com/kKDEpWqq0y
— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) April 7, 2019
-- Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker Ryan Shazier, who suffered a spinal contusion in December of 2017, continues to make strides in the return from his devastating injury.
DROP THE TOP, LET'S FLEX A LITTLE PETE
— Seattle Seahawks (@Seahawks) April 27, 2019
-- Ole Miss wide receiver D.K. Metcalf, whom the Seattle Seahawks would later draft in the second round, was convinced by a scout to enter his combine interview with the team without a shirt on. Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll wasn't going to be shown up in his own interview, so he got in on the action as well. "I really don't like taking my shirt off." -- Metcalf went viral for shirtless weight room photos and testing at 1.6% body fat at the NFL combine, but deep down he's a humble guy! (Andrew Siciliano, NFL Network via Twitter)