(EDITOR'S NOTE: We are running two separate Quotes columns this month: this one dedicated to the death of George Floyd, and the piece you are currently reading, which covers everything else that happened in and around the NFL in May. Please keep commentary to the subject at hand in either case. Thank you.)
TWO STEPS DOWN FROM A COMEDY CENTRAL ROAST
"Of course, the tournament had to be in Florida, y'know, after Tom's B&E arrest. … He couldn't leave the state, so it had to be in Florida. Tiger and I talked to the sheriff in Tampa, he's going to be allowed to go to Palm Beach to play. I'll be honest, I've never played Tom very well on his home turf, so maybe this is considered a neutral site. I would've loved to have this tournament in a place where they don't like Tom very much: Indianapolis, Denver, Boston after he just betrayed them and broke their hearts. So Palm Beach is the best we could probably do. I think the teams are fair. Phil chose the right partner in Tom. Together they have 11 championships. Tiger and I have 17 the way I count it."
-- Retired quarterback Peyton Manning offers up his version of a tight five, trash-talking golf opponent Tom Brady in the lead-up to the only sports show that has graced our televisions outside of Korean baseball in recent months. (Tom Brady via Twitter)
ALL IN THE FAMILY
"At the facility and around the team, I mostly call my dad 'Coach.' It's kind of weird for your boss to be your dad. I refer to him as 'Zimm' in front of players. Players call me 'Zimm,' 'Coach,' or 'Adam.' As long as they don't call me a**hole, I'm good."
-- Minnesota Vikings co-defensive coordinator Adam Zimmer hasn't quite gotten used to having his dad, Mike Zimmer, also double as his boss. (Twin Cities Pioneer Press)
2020 JUST KEEPS GETTING WEIRDER
"The study found that the 'hand on knees' posture resulted in superior heart rate recovery and greater tidal volume (the amount of air inhaled into the lungs with each breath) compared to the 'hands on head' posture."
-- A new study has single-handedly disproven everything our coaches have told us about recovery when tired … and for some reason, we're receiving this news from M.C. Hammer of U Can't Touch This fame
"I have no clue where this study is from...
"I have no clue why we're getting this information from M.C Hammer...
"But mannnn, if this isn't a win for every athlete in history...
"We all knew that hands on head thing was bogus!!!"
-- Houston Texans defensive end J.J. Watt feels vindicated. (J.J. Watt via Twitter)
REAL G'S MOVE IN SILENCE LIKE LASAGNA
"Right now, it's moving in silence, which is fine with me. That's how I used to do it before getting on a bigger stage. Get back to the fundamentals to where I can accomplish the goals when the season comes around."
-- After an offseason of media interviews and lofty expectations, followed by a regular season of general disappointment, Cleveland Browns quarterback Baker Mayfield has turned down multiple interview requests in an effort to focus on improving his game. (ESPN)
THEY DON'T LET JUST ANYONE MESS WITH PERFECTION
"There are only two people in the world I trust with my beard and hair."
-- Miami Dolphins quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick has only improved on his luxurious beard during quarantine, but once salons and barbers open up he won't be letting just anyone fix his hair. (Joe Schad, Palm Beach Post via Twitter)
IF AN ATHLETE WORKED OUT BUT DIDN'T POST IT, DID IT EVEN HAPPEN?
"Someone's coming for that starting RB job"
-- Detroit Lions fan account @LionsFanReport posted this to Twitter attached to two images: one showing workouts from running back D'Andre Swift, and one of running back Kerryon Johnson.
"I assure you it's scientifically possible to workout and NOT post about it…I'm with thie ignorance tho if you wanna get started"
-- Johnson assured people that not every single workout has to be posted to social media for it to count. (Going Deep via Twitter)
"I'm basically four protein shakes away from being at my playing weight."
-- Tampa Bay Buccaneers tight end Rob Gronkowski seems to be right on the cusp of being able to return to football. Gronk mentioned that the lowest weight he dropped down to during retirement was around 240, while never having been under 260 since his senior year of high school. (CBS Sports via Instagram)
"Bro, we didn't have fans anyway."
-- Denver Broncos running back Melvin Gordon is ready to potentially play in empty football stadiums this year after playing in an near-empty soccer stadium for the L.A. Chargers. (B/R Gridiron via Instagram)
HOP TO THE TOP
"I know I'm the best … [Michael Thomas] know if I had Drew Brees my whole career what these numbers would be. Julio Jones know if I had Matt Ryan my whole career … he knows what these numbers would be."
-- Arizona Cardinals wide receiver DeAndre Hopkins firmly believes he's the best wide receiver in the league. (B/R Gridiron via Instagram)
DIDN'T SEEM TO LOVE THE PICK
"The general reaction at first was surprise, like many people. Not going to say I was thrilled by the pick, necessarily. But I understand the organization is not thinking just about the present, but the future and I respect that. ... He didn't ask to be drafted by the Packers. He's not to blame at all. I had a good conversation with him the day after the draft and I'm excited to work with him."
-- Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers opened up about his team's selection of quarterback Jordan Love in the first round of this year's draft. Rodgers famously sat behind Brett Favre for several years before taking over the job. (Adam Schefter, ESPN via Instagram)
LIFE WITH CHILDREN DURING QUARANTINE
"Why [won't they] let me buy the Trolls movie? I've rented it four times."
-- New England Patriots cornerback Stephon Gilmore laments over the fact he's had to rent the film Trolls World Tour on-demand four different times during quarantine.
"Man I told the kids Trolls don't work anymore"
-- Patriots safety Devin McCourty sympathizes with his fellow defensive back, offering up his ingenious solution. (Devin & Jason McCourty via Twitter)
THIS MONTH IN SOCIAL MEDIA
-- It's tough to celebrate a moment like being an NFL draft pick while in quarantine. Cincinnati Bengals linebacker Markus Bailey showed off how he shares the experience with friends and family.
— Le'Veon Bell (@LeVeonBell) May 9, 2020
-- New York Jets running back Le'Veon Bell showed off one of his hidden talents over quarantine by entering into an online Super Smash Bros. Ultimate pro tournament called "The Box," making it to Day 2 of the event. Bell mains Mega Man, one of the most technical characters in the game, and does so rather impressively.
ANDREW DICE CLAY-MASON
-- Clemson head coach Dabo Swinney knows how to relate to the kids: either through nursery rhymes or bad Andrew Dice Clay impressions.
THIS IS THE ONLY GOOD GENDER REVEAL
Bill's fans teach them young pic.twitter.com/D5fTFMWVe9)
— Quinn (@Ghost_Wave) May 1, 2020
-- I firmly stand by this statement. Bills Mafia makes everything a little bit cooler.